Jumping in (1st post)

[stillloveshim]

In the beginning when my H left I was about 123 pounds give or take. I'm 103 pounds now. It can take it's toll on you, but you have to stay positive. I had days when I couldn't even think. I had to leave work and go home and just do God knows what.
BUT I am much better now and to be honest, I recognize the potential for us to divorce and it scares me, but I'm still taking care of me first and foremost. I figure taking care of me allows me to take better care of my S and my relationhips and my job.
I won't tell you to stop thinking about her and the situation, but I will say keep it all under control. If you feel antsy or anxious, don't call her. Calm down first. Only make decisions when you are calm and collected. You'll be grateful you did.
She is in a lot pain too. Maybe when the time is right, you let her know that in a very caring way.
I did for my H, when I was finally able to get past the angry "How dare he do this to us?" and it went a long way.

[Gardener]

And still more wisdom from stilly.
Thank you.

[Gardener]

Mornin', group,

I have a question/assumption I need an answer/some clarification on. From all my forum reading, I've reached a tentative conclusion about WASs.

It appears to me:

1) That the majority of WAHs WA either because of or shortly after there is an OW/PA (post hoc ergo prompter hoc on my part?) and,

2) When a WAW WsA, there is often an OM/PA shortly after she WsA.

Am I right about this?
Should I have made this a New Topic?
Thanks,

[Gardener]

I dunno....bad day.

Went for my newly-mandatory Sat/Sun a.m. hike (the woods are full of answers).
Some insights, cleared my head a bit, but I let the day go downhill from there. Didn't tackle any of the many things around here I've fallen behind on (bills, business, lawn, laundry, you name it). Vegged out. Didn't mope, didn't obsess, just...nothing.

W called once this past week. I answered, she asked a family finance question, I answered, cheerfully, she asked a couple of benign questions (each time right after I said "OK, I gotta get going right now, talk to ya soon"), so it felt like she might've been trying to keep me on the phone, so I guess that's good. She was here three times in the last week. I wasn't here first time (making myself scarce), Here for her arrival second and third times, hello, few short pleasantries then I left first. I was upbeat, friendly, different clothes style, some obvious changes around the house, but how do you db (make yourself scarce, leave first, end conversations first, not always be there and showcase one's changes at the same time? I keep struggling with that contradiction.
Well, gonna put together some notes for tomorrows TeleCoach 2 session but not before apologizing to all for lethargically venting a no-content bummer post.

[stillloveshim]

I think statistically speaking: a lot of men do leave when they have another person lined up. But this is not the hard fast rule. Also many men leave with the mentality that "if this doesn't work out, I'll just come home." And leaving is sometimes a relatively quick decision.

But for WAW's there is a lot of thought and anguish that goes into it and women are less prone to have someone else waiting for them, but again, not the hard rule.

I read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and that's where I learned a lot about that, per my DB Coach.

[stillloveshim]

It's a fine line between the two. For now you need to give her distance, let her contact you unless you really have a solid reason to reach out to her. Let the dust settle.
When she does see you or call you, then you let her see your PMA. You let her notice the changes in you. It will happen. The number one thing you need here, patience. You can do it.
Listen to your coach and take it all to heart. And put it all into practice and be diligent. It's hard, but gets easier as you turn these practices into habits.

[Coach]

but how do you db (make yourself scarce, leave first, end conversations first, not always be there and showcase one's changes at the same time?

How much do you try to read into every word and action your wife makes? Your every move is being watched by your W. You won't get any feedback from her for a while. You are making the changes for yourself so enjoy learning and thriving under tough conditions. You can handle it.
Cheers

[Gardener]

[quote=But for WAW's there is a lot of thought and anguish that goes into it and women are less prone to have someone else waiting for them, but again, not the hard rule. [/quote]

I'm sure...this has really begun sinking in only recently. Another reason I feel for her anguish...and, frankly, admire her courage.

And, funny, I also picked up [u]How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It[u]yesterday when I bought the other two I mentioned earlier. Just skimmed it so far, but it seems to be yet another treasure trove, especially the sex section (we started to have HD/LD issues in the last year or so).

So many (R) books, so little time
Thanks.

Hope I did the Quote/excerpt thing correctly (first time)

[Gardener]

Coach, I don't know how to do the quote/excerpt thingy, yet,so re: your "How much do you try to read into every word and action your wife makes?", I really don't anymore. I observe, but I don't try to divine anymore. Is this good?
Also, I don't know exactly when I stopped doing it for the marriage/her and started to do it for me but a subtle and powerful shift sure accompanied it.

Thanks.

[Gardener]

I'm all over it, stilly. All the distance she wants, really. And I'm slowly but surely becoming Mr. PMA As-iffing lake all hell, and it's starting to take hold slowly (as in Plate-Tectonics-slowly,) but it's happening.

Great 2nd TeleCoach session (redundant) tonight w/Dottie. I'll skip all the details, but suffice it to say that after a recap of my two weeks since the last one she said I'm doing great! Doin' it right on virtually every count.
She agrees with you that despite already leaving and asking for D 4 weeks ago (and never mentioning it again/moving towards it, yet), this is not a TLR sitch yet. Coach sees tons of ambivalence, confusion, mixed signals. (MC once told me W's mixed signals were less yes/no mixed signals and more like a short-circuited traffic light: red-yellow-yellow-red-green-yellow-red-red, etc.).So much more transpired telecoaching, all of it good and several really great ideas/actions for next few days, etc. Since S and DIL are living with me (and DIL talks frequently to W), I even went so far as dressing to the nines, driving off in my car to park and call coach, then going to dinner and a movie, coming home some 4+ hours later. Be a bit mysterious, right?

Uh oh. Just remembered that wife pays cell phone bill online (I pay land line), so she'll see telecoach session phone #s (Dottie's in Michigan). Oh, well, more mystery.

Thank you, all. As my own dust begins to settle and I become accepting and focused, I will spend more time (and two-centsing) on others' threads and become more of a contributor and less of a taker. But please know you have made the difference these past two weeks or so.

And, please forgive the jumping around writing style (I tried to write a paragraph once without parentheses; I passed out).