I think these "they'll be fine" folks equate survive with "thrive," and I find that to be problematic in the extreme. Even folks who "survived" can't know that they've thrived because they don't know what their lives would have been like otherwise.
They might well be living their "best lives" (to use a bit of Oprah-ese), but it's their best life given the fact of divorce, which is a different thing altogether.
This stuff tortures me too. I really relate. I have, however had to make peace as best I can. We already had that conversation once with the kids in tears and now, because H is sort of half in, we'll have to hit them again with D and him officially moving out. It is cruel.
Still, SP, I know people whose parents stayed together for 30+ years in a seemingly perfect household and ended up drug addicts, or divorced themselves etc.
It is straight up retarded to say that D doesn't traumatize, it does. And the lifestyle is tough. BUT, there are so many ways to suffer in this life, as you know...
I tell you this as the woman who has pissed people off with my insistence that this is scarring my kids. I am with you. I just want you to be able to see them as just as whole after as before...it will impact the way you treat them and handle their pain.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
It's the same thing as those people who justify smoking by saying, "Yeah, I had a grandfather who smoked two packs a day and lived to 90."
And that's the great thing about anecdotal evidence. It can be whatever you choose.
Of course, but, the WAS doesn't have to justify it and this is the motherf*cking sh*t a** f*cked up, worse than getting my eyes gauged out reality. AND, why, just GAL and letting go and blah blah blah doesn't quite alleviate the pain.
So guys, we live with the pain, we love through it, we inspire our children and we stay true to who we are and THAT is something many children don't have!!! Especially from their dads. You have so much value in your sitches. Please know that.
Maybe I'll share this one w/ my W who likes to tell me how bF got divorced but she turned out OK... grrrr..
Children of divorce in the 1990s: An update of the Amato and Keith (1991) meta-analysis.
Amato, Paul R.
Journal of Family Psychology. Vol 15(3), Sep 2001, 355-370.
Abstract: The present study updates the P. R. Amato and B. Keith (1991) meta-analysis of children and divorce with a new analysis of 67 studies published in the 1990s. Compared with children with continuously married parents, children with divorced parents continued to score significantly lower on measures of academic achievement, conduct, psychological adjustment, self-concept, and social relations. After controlling for study characteristics. curvilinear trends with respect to decade of publication were present for academic achievement, psychological well-being, self-concept, and social relations. For these outcomes, the gap between children with divorced and married parents decreased during the 1980s and increased again during the 1990s. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2008 APA, all rights reserved)
Total sample size of the original meta-analysis was 19,000. Anecdotal evidence be damned!
Last edited by orangedog; 06/13/0912:14 AM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Yes, we know why were here. Enough evidence. Back to work.
(Sorry Orangedog has a thing for research and hard facts)
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
(Sorry Orangedog has a thing for research and hard facts)
Me too!!! And I showed some of it to H and he said I was projecting and my family and some friends say the same...so, I try to stop torturing myself...it is beyond our control.
Logically it makes sense that children or adults of Divorced parents dont do so well. They have to deal with issues, compete for love and time from Parents that are no longer together.
Their secure world is torn apart. There future expectations of family life is destroyed. They ahve to make decisions on almost a daily basis that children of committed parents dont, regarding juggling possible hurt feelings of parents, the need to protect a hurt parent. Often more reponsibility is placed on them as finances change, less available time from separated parents.
They have to share their time, be sure that they communicate not once but twice with parents, decide who is attending what family gatherings, deal with negative comments from well meaning dumb family members.....and so it goes on.
The only good thing possible that might come from this for them , is that as they deal with adversity in their adult lives, better than those wjho have not gone through it as they will know that you can survive, as they see their parents survive.
Remember SP that every feeling you have felt since D Day they will experiance but 10 X worse. They will be torn and will need support and room to grieve an any way they need. As small children that ay manifest itself in any form.
Yea, I don't get that. We want to try, exhaust all efforts right? But my W says she can't anymore and yet I'm supposed to be supportive of her and her decision and put a smile on her face.
