GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

Actually I did confront the OM. I left him several messages to meet me to talk as I didn't want to make a scene at the clinic they work at. Of course he didn't return any of my calls.

So the last message I left him was that if he wasn't man enough to meet with me, then he wasn't worth my time.

All this time while she worked with him, he kept bragging about how he was a former Navy Seal, blah blah blah. Well funny thing is that I just saw a posting on a military board asking about his credentials. And wouldn't you know it? There has never been a Navy Seal with his name.

What a loser.

[MrBond]

Hi CG,

Thanks for the thoughtful post. Trust me, it definitely wasn't too long. You're right about me not thinking about the OM. It is my W I'm married to. Not him. It is her decision whether she wants to put any effort into the M or not.

As for the drawing the line of her seeing the OM at work and pushing for something legal or a real separation, I am hesitant about doing so because she will see that as an ultimatum and she'll head right out the door.

I definitely agree about me doing things for myself and not because it might better our sitch. I am making myself a better man physically and emotionally to build back my self-esteem and become a man of worth. In this case, I think I'm going to go with Coach's route and continue to better myself. If she notices great, if not, then oh well.

I remember fighting fit and others saying that it takes at least a year to get over an OM anyway if he's completely out of the picture. So since I can't control her feelings, I'm going to continue to concentrate on myself.

She already knows how I felt about the OM after I kicked her out of the house the first time.

IMHO, I really think my W's more confused rather than cake eating. To her, the home is comfortable/safe (yes it was only after I did major DBing that made her comfortable enough to come back which was my first goal) and may be the only source of stability in her life right now.

She's not hostile anymore unless the R is brought up. And even then, she's much nicer than she was a few months ago. She's opened up more and isn't physically retreating as much as she had been since the bomb.

For my W, feeling safe and trusting with someone is a big thing. I asked her once when we were separated how long she would date someone before she actually kissed them. She said about a month. And she's dead serious about that. She's really...i don't know... immature? Whatever.

I do know though, that I'm detached enough that if I found out she was dating someone else on the sly, she'd find her stuff packed and ready to go before she got home.

That's one boundary I'm not going to have crossed again.

[MrBond]

Hi Greek,

"Maybe the lesson there is that she wants to be so special, so cherished, that really, no one else could get on the radar screen. This is great intel for you!"

I think you're right to a degree about this. This may go back to her dad walking out on her family at such a young age. Someone else posted that it's something you don't forget and you want to be given those positive emotions that you didn't get when you were younger.

I just don't want to overdo it right now. I'm nice and keeping all interactions friendly and fun to draw her closer to me which I think I have been doing. It's almost like getting a wild animal to come closer to you. I make things positive, shrug off the negative (this is something I had to learn because I had a bit of a temper) and keep them going.

I'm going to take yours and Coach's advice to keep making myself better while she works her way through the fog. If she comes out of it and notices me standing there all buff, confident and successful, its her choice to take it or not.

[MrBond]

Hi Kittyfish,

The one thing your XH had in you that he really missed out on was that you actually talked to him.

That communication is so vital and I think my W and I really let that part go after we had kids. We were talking to each other through our kids before we realized it. We started referring to each other as Mom and Dad rather than each other.

I'm glad things are working better in your current M.

[MrBond]

Actually, after posting to Kittyfish, I realized an important thing about my sitch.

After the kids were born, we stopped referring to each other as H and W. We became "Mom and Dad". That is one thing that I think helped the OM get in with my W. He saw her as an individual woman where I started seeing her as Mom and associated all the domestic things that went along with that title to her.

Any thoughts on what makes a woman feel like a WOMAN?

[Coach]

He saw her as an individual woman where I started seeing her as Mom and associated all the domestic things that went along with that title to her.

Any thoughts on what makes a woman feel like a WOMAN?

I think you know what your homework is this weekend. Narrow your focus a little further once you get rolling - What makes your wife feel like a woman?

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

I had a quick question. When you were sorting out your own thoughts coming out of the fog and the high of the OM, aside from space, was there anything else your H did that you appreciated?

[MrBond]

"What makes your wife feel like a woman?"

Now that's a tough one. There's a scene in the movie "What Women Want" when Mel Gibson puts on makeup and high heels to get an idea of how women think and feel.

I hope that doesn't mean I'll have to put on one of her dresses! LOL.

I'll definitely be thinking about that one. I guess it goes along the lines of putting yourself in your partner's shoes to understand where they're coming from so you can show them the right type of compassion when they want to engage.

[Coach]

I guess it goes along the lines of putting yourself in your partner's shoes to understand where they're coming from so you can show them the right type of compassion when they want to engage.

[Coach]

Now that's a tough one. There's a scene in the movie "What Women Want" when Mel Gibson puts on makeup and high heels to get an idea of how women think and feel.

I hope that doesn't mean I'll have to put on one of her dresses! LOL.

hey if that's what it takes for you to GAL!