WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[MrBond]

traveldane,

I only have a minute right now, but I'll go ahead and post my response on your thread so you don't have to flip flop back and forth.

[traveldane]

ok, thanks stuck. didn't mean to hijack the thread

[confusedinpa]

Is there any reason why you called her?

I'm sure I was able to "rationalize" it to myself this morning about calling her - ranging from "strategic" to see what she may let slip about contacting her lawyer to "if she was just a friend and we had a conversation like last nite what would I do" to "I so just wanted to talk to her". None are really good reasons, nor call I recall what was the reason that really pushed me to calling. It was against all "normal" judgement to call. So I'm not going to try and justify why.

I started the call by asking how she was doing with work. That was one of the things she had really been stressing about yesterday, and she spent a lot of time venting about it when we went to pick up my 7 year old to get his cast removed.

What I thought was really odd, that after a few minutes, I started to say that I was about to get off the call, when she interupted and said that she still had to finish getting ready for work.

I just saiid "Bye", in a very upbeat positive manner, like I would have for any other friend.

Then I had the barrage of text messages/pics about 5 minutes of hanging up.

Then tonite, around the time she would be leaving work, I got a call from her, but when I picked up, there was no answer. I tried to call her back, but it went right to voice mail. I then got a voice mail that just had her going "Hello, hello?". So I sent her a text just saying I saw she called, what's up?

She called me back about some car question. I thought very weird. So I answered it like I would with a friend and just said bye.

I was tempted to call her during the day as yesterday she had pointed out that a circus was in town Fri & Sat. I told her that I was planning to take the boys to the races on Sat as my buddy was driving in one. She asked for some details about it, which I answered, but I didn't invite her (she was never into racing before, so I didn't want waste my breathe).

I had thought about asking if she wanted to go to the circus with the boys and I tonite, but decided against it (I know - finally, the right move). My youngest had asked about playing baseball and my oldest had just gotten his cast off, so I thought it would be good if the three of us just got to enjoy our time doing stuff our home, rather than just taking them places all the time.

The sad part of tonite, was when we were in the shed, my 7 year old saw his "old bike" (it had training wheels) and said that he hoped that when we found our new home, that it was in a development so his little brother would have space to learn to ride the bike. I could see he was really sad about it so I just told him that we will find someplace great and we will pick it out together as we start a new adventure. He then said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore as it was making him sad.

I gave him a minute and got down my knees to get to his level and said that I understand being sad, but we will find a place together, the three of us, so that will be really exciting. He was stil sad so I just gave him a hug and kiss and went back to playing basketball.

My 3 year old asked what we were talking about and before I could say anything, my 7 year old said that we were running out of money so we had to sell the house, but daddy will do everything he can. My 3 year old didn't understand (no big surprise) so I just changed the subject by giving them chalk to draw on the driveway with.

My 7 year old then wrote on the driveway "Dad is the best dad in the world".

That reminded me why I was fighting to save the marriage. I took a picture of what he wrote with him and his brother sitting next to it.

Either way I know I will survive this madness a better person and build my closeness with my boys. Whether I will still be married to my wife or not is the question.

[givingitmyall]

Well done man. Focus on those little guys. They are the most deserving of your attention.

[confusedinpa]

Well done man. Focus on those little guys. They are the most deserving of your attention.

Thanks - I appreciate the support and encouragement.

It does bring a tear to my eye everytime I reread my post. It also gives me resolve to continue to do "the work" - although, I'm often trying to figure out what the work is....

I'm still struggling with Coach's question of "fair".

I didn't think it would have been that hard, but I think I've been really off base here (big surprise...)

[confusedinpa]

My 3 year old woke me up this morning at 6:00 AM (usually he sleeps in until 6:30 AM). I told him that I was still tired, so he went back to his room and brought me one of his blankies and a stuffed animal. He also brought a set for him. He threw them up on my bed and climbed in next to me and let me "sleep in" until 6:15 AM.

My 7 year old woke up around that time as well. I sent them both downstairs to play/watch TV in the family as I got ready to go to the races.

I came down and my 7 year old was reading a book to his brother.

I looked at the two of them and just smiled. It touched my heart, but I looked at it and said that this is going to be a good day.

I made breakfast and the boys and I played in the playroom until it was time to get ready for the race.

About 45 minutes before we were going to leave, my wife calls. I had really tought about not answering, but wound up answering it. My wife was in tears and asked if I could pick her up to take her to the doctors (she was having severe abdominal pain). I know a few may say I should have told her that she left so find someone else to help her, but that is not my character (for my wife, for my friend, for my neighbor, or for a stranger). Plus, I did not think that was the type of person that I would want my boys to be. So I told her that I would be over right away.

I told the boys to get dressed as we had to take mommy to the doctors. My 7 year old asked what about the race? I said, that there should be enough time for the race, plus there will be other races. Mommy needs help so we need to help family.

When I went to pick her up, she was downstairs waiting. She got in, in obvious pain and she started talking about it as we drove. She then started complaining about how her sister was in town and her mom and her was suppose to go to lunch with her. Of course she was all wrapped up in some drama about her sister and her mom. I acknowledged and validated.

Then she said that she couldn't sleep last nite as she kept getting up to pee and it hurt everytime that she had to. So she thinks it's either a urinary tract infection or kidney stones.

I joked that it could be a STD as well

She said that she hadn't done anything like that. (I couldn't tell if she was mad or offended, but she didn't really think it was funny so I dropped it)

Then she continued about kidney stones and her pain. A few times, it hurt so bad, she doubled over in her seat. I held her hand to try and comfort her.

When we got to the doctors, she was signing in and said that the boys and I should just sit down as she had to fill out some forms. When she was done, she sat at a set of chairs opposite of me and then complained about how cold it was. I said I didn't have a jacket this time (when we went out to lunch on Thurs, I gave her my jacket when she said she was cold) but she can sit next to me if she wanted me to warm her up. She got up and snuggled next to me. I warmed her up until my 3 year old found a book that he wanted me to read.

Once she saw the doctor, she said it was a urinary tract infection and got a script. I took her to the pharmacy. On the way there, she asked what time was I planning to leave for the race with the boys. I looked at her and said 15 minutes ago.

She then said that now she felt bad and guilty. I told her that that there will be plenty of races, and that I knew she needed help. Then my buddy called me to ask me if I was on my way to race. I told him that I'll be about an hour behind so I would just meet them there.

When I drove her back to her apartment, I asked that if she had a chance, could she call me to let me know how she was doing. I told her that I didn't want to call as if she was sleeping, I didn't want to wake her. She said that she would, even though she still hadn't. It doesn't really bother me as I had an awesome time with the boys at the race.

The only bummer was that I had bought a ticket and when I saw my buddy, he asked if I got the ticket if he left for me. DOH - wasted $28 bucks.

The boys loved the motorcycle stunt show and the car race. We got to go to the pits and meet all the drivers. The boys even got to sit in the race car.

One thing that made me sad was one of the pit girls had asked my boys where was mom, was daddy giving her a break. My 7 year old just said to her that mommy and daddy are divorced. I nearly fell over as I didn't even think he knew that word. The pit girl then said she was sorry to hear that to me and started chatting with me about how cute my boys were and joking around with me. I tried to stay positive and upbeat, but I was a little distracted by what my 7 year old sad.

After the pit girl left to do take care of something, I asked my 7 year old where did he hear that word. He said his friends at school talk about it. I told him that mommy and daddy are not divorced yet, but daddy is still trying to work things out with mommy. He just said oh.

I then changed subjects as the pit crews started to clean up the cars after the race, so there was a lot of action going on in the garages

So overall, great day with the boys. My wife had asked if she wasn't feeling well, if I could help her with the boys tomorrow (they normally leave with her in the morning). I said absolutely, I would love to have time with boys anytime, but with her not feeling well, it will definitely not be an issue.

I had thought about heading back down to the races tomorrow, but I know that will be too much "car time" (it's a 2 hour drive each way) for the boys in one weekend. I'm not going to get my hopes up too high of getting the boys for an extra day, but that would really make my weekend.



My buddies and I went out for dinner afterwards and the boys had a blast as well.

[MrBond]

You did well in your interactions with her. She really is pretty needy.

Just remember to keep all your interactions with her light and fun.

[confusedinpa]

I felt bad when my my wife text she was still struggling this morning, but she asked if the boys could stay with me another day. I called her and asked how she was before I said absolutely.

I told the boys and they both cheered hurray (literally, that's what they did)

We ate breakfast and then went bowling. We had a blast

While my 3 year old took his nap, I played video games with my 7 year old

Once my 3 year old woke up from his nap, we played baseball and soccer in the yard and they rode their electric ride ons.

It's a great day. We wound up at McDonalds for dinner and the kids are playing on the climber

I know I will be missing them tomorrow, but tomorrow is another day. Today is now and we are having a blast.

[volleydog]

Good for you cipa...fwiw I think u did the right thug in taking your a to the dr.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck and Volleydog,

Thanks for the encouragement and validation with my interaction with my wife. I think the hardest part of the interaction was when I dropped her off at her apt. She had gotten out of the car without looking at me nor saying goodbye to me directly. She got out of the car and then open the backdoor to give the boys each a kiss goodbye and then said "Thanks boys for taking me to the doctor's"

I had made notice how she didn't say bye to me directly nor thanked me, but I shrugged it off as I didn't want to let that ruin the day I had planned with the boys on Sat.

I was doing fine all day today, but now that I put my boys to bed, I'm getting that aching feeling in my gut again (I've had it since the bomb in Jan). I think part of it is that before I put my boys to bed, my 3 year old had found a bunch of books and asked if we can read them together tomorrow. I said yes at first, but then said "Opps". He asked why I said "Opps" and my 7 year old jumped right in and said "We're not going to be home tomorrow". I noticed a hint of sadness in his voice, but by 3 year old didn't say anything.

The other part is that the last time my wife had this problem, I remember how she was hurting so bad with her urinary tract infection and kidney stone was right after my second son was born. I had just started a new job where I was driving almost 2 hours each way, so I was hardly home to help with the boys, let alone her. I would leave just before 4AM and wouldn't get home till almost 8:00 PM. After she had dropped the bomb, she told me that the 6 months I was working that job, she felt like a single mom as she felt so alone.

Her mom was over every day to help her. I think that was really the start of the death spiral to our marriage.

I know after that job, I wound up working about 15 minutes from where I lived, but then I traveled frequently and worked very long hours when I was home.

I know I can't fix the past, nor should I live in the past nor beat myself up for the past, but it's really hitting me tonite.

It keeps crossing my mind as I'm thinking about Coach's challenge/post on fairness.

"How do you decide if you are treated fairly? Do you treat everyone fairly? Who judges you? Define fair. Do you think the world treats you fairly?"

Even though I'm still struggling on how to define fair (surprising, even an internet search didn't help), I know I can't say that I treat everyone fairly. I know my wife feels I haven't treated her fairly in our marriage.

After a great time with my boys the past 5 days, the hurt is really coming back strong tonite.....