WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Kittyfish,

I had heard that saying as well

What, if anything, would it take to win back your trust in this type of scenario?

[Kittyfish]

This is going to sting- but to be honest I think she's feeding you a line- the more this goes on and due to the divorce filing- talks about CS. I think she knows it makes you feel guilty and she says it to make you feel that way.

It's either that or she's an extreme drama queen. I honestly can't say what else you can do that you haven't tried.

[confusedinpa]

Kittyfish,

What do you mean she is feeding me a line?

I do appreciate your candor. Thanks

[Kittyfish]

Well, I'm saying she says those things to get a reaction out of you- to get your pity- your attention etc. She wants you to feel guilty again.

She needs a fix- she makes you feel bad- she feels good. Make sense? When you feel guilty it's like she's getting a shot of some drug she needs.

Have you researched personality disorders?

[PMA_Baby!]

Well, I'm saying she says those things to get a reaction out of you- to get your pity- your attention etc. She wants you to feel guilty again.

She needs a fix- she makes you feel bad- she feels good. Make sense? When you feel guilty it's like she's getting a shot of some drug she needs.

Exactly. That is why you follow Sandi, Stuck, Coach, PDT, mine and other's advice and set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't let her manipulate you into a R talk about the past. Just do what you have been doing and say "that is the past if you don't want to let go of it that's your problem" and move on...

You're doing great! Keep enforcing those boundaries. She will eventually realize that you're not willing to "get in the mud".

PMA

[confusedinpa]

Had a good time while my wife and I took our 7 year old to get his cast off. We laughed and talked and I did the eye contact thing that was covered in Stuck's thread

Good interaction until I got home

There was a letter from her lawyer requesting a hearing for custody

It was a WTF moment

I know I should have calmed down before I called but I called her to ask what was going on. She said that was sent out before she talked to him yesterday. I told her it was dated yesterday

She said that her lawyer now understands what we are trying to do so she's got it under control

I told her that I don't trust her lawyer and feels like he is taking advantage of her and I.

She said that she didn't trust me. I cut her off and said that we talked about that already but what we are talking about right now is what her lawyer is doing

I don't know what he is trying to do but I had thought she said she was going to be fair about this but I don't feel like I am being treated fairly.
If she can't get him under control I will get a guy to get this straightened out

She said that she doesn't want me yelling at her. I said was frustrated about her lawyer and wasn't yelling at her. She said it felt like it.

She then said she had enough stress from work and this situation that she doesn't want to deal with all this

I told her this is stressful for all of us

She said that she can't take this anymore and is hanging up

I think it is truly over. I held onto my NUTs but think I lost the war

Right now I don't care

I'm mad and angry that this situation spiraled out of control so fast

I will have the boys call her to say goodnite as I do not want to punish the boys over it. It will be tough for me to stay friendly but I will try

[MrBond]

You should have called her out on it and told her to tell you the truth. She was retreating into the "you're yelling" mode. When she said she was hanging up, tell her that it was in her best interest that this L doesn't keep taking away money that is hers. Maybe try spinning it to see how she could benefit.

I would get your L to protect YOU first and foremost though. Your W isn't even thinking straight. She just wants to stay in her land of make believe and is probably just trusting everything this guy is telling her. He can probably see that she's easy to take for a ride.

Do what you need to do.

[confusedinpa]

Well, I'm saying she says those things to get a reaction out of you- to get your pity- your attention etc. She wants you to feel guilty again.

She needs a fix- she makes you feel bad- she feels good. Make sense? When you feel guilty it's like she's getting a shot of some drug she needs.

Have you researched personality disorders?

Kittyfish,

I haven't researched personality disorders, but I think from tonite's conversation with her, I don't think that she will be able to make me feel guilty any more.

One of my boundaries has always been if I'm being treated fairly. I had always thought she had, right up to dropping the bomb on me. Although in hindsight, I had some resentment building up in me over the last few years. I had noticed everytime there was something that was wrong or if I made a comment asking why something wasn't quite right, it was always my fault. I actually told her at one point that I felt that she always twist things around to my fault so I felt that there was no point in even me making a comment.

In retrospec, I should have quieted the little boy in me and we should have talked that one out, instead of "pouting" and not making any comments/talking for a while.

Anyway, I know I made a mistake of not waiting till a little later before calling her. I was just floored as I felt like she had lied to me in yesterday's conversation about what was going on relative to the divorce legal stuff.

I'm sure she is fuming right now and really wants me to just sign the paperwork to get this over with. I had thought about calling her, but know that there really isn't anything to say while we are both this worked up.

I'm sure she will call her lawyer tomorrow to get this straight. I asked her that I do want a copy of his request to the court to cancel the hearings as we had agreed.

This is exactly why I tried for the two of us to reach agreement on custody and child support before she moved out. I didn't want this muck to keep us at opposite ends. A divorce is about distruction and confrontational. I knew that we can't rebuild a relationship that way. I tried to be respectful and straight forward, but I do have to draw a line when I feel like I'm not being treated fairly. I will NOT compromise my NUT.

I had the boys call her tonite to say goodnite. At the end, I got on the phone and just said "Have a goodnite". She just hung up without saying goodnite.

What's the real shame about this is that we were on a speaker phone, so my 7 year old said why didn't she say goodnite. That wasn't very nice. I just shrugged and said, let's watch our show so we can get ready for bed.

Another thing that my 7 year old mentioned was how he and my 3 year old had been asking about coming back home early or visiting me, and she kept saying no. I asked him how it made him feel. He said sad. I told him that I would love for him to visit/see me anytime and he shouldn't be afraid to ask because he is worried that the answer may make him sad.

I guess Stuck was right, it does get worse....

[confusedinpa]

You should have called her out on it and told her to tell you the truth. She was retreating into the "you're yelling" mode. When she said she was hanging up, tell her that it was in her best interest that this L doesn't keep taking away money that is hers. Maybe try spinning it to see how she could benefit.

I would get your L to protect YOU first and foremost though. Your W isn't even thinking straight. She just wants to stay in her land of make believe and is probably just trusting everything this guy is telling her. He can probably see that she's easy to take for a ride.

Do what you need to do.

I did tell her how I felt the lawyer was just trying to rack up billable hours to blow through the ratiner. She said that there wasn't anything that she could do as it was non-refundable. I told her that I talked to a lawyer about that and it was not true. Non-refundable retainers are under review in our state whether it is enforceable so there are ways to get the money back.

I do have a lawyer that is going to protect me - he actually mentored her lawyer (they are in different firms).

I was tempted to call my lawyer to just deal with it, but still didn't want to let her know I retained someone. I want her to think that I'm still trying to work with her because I trust her. If this doesn't play out over the next couple of days, I will throw that out on the table.

I think she is afraid that I will retain someone as she knows that I have the means to really drag this thing out. I won't though, as I don't want to spend all the money just to make it hard. I just want it to be fair for the boys in this totally unfair situation.

Craziness...

[confusedinpa]

I've calmed down a bit now. I just realized that I need to stick with my original strategy - get through the legal/financial mumbo jumbo relative to her filing for a divorce.

I will maintain my NUT that if I don't feel like I am treated fairly, I will "man up".

I will not be continued to be dragged into the past blame game.

I will continue to be a friend when we are in contact (although with this most recent interaction, it may be never).

I will remain Dark - will not initiate contact unless its related to the kids.

The issue I need to think through is how do I regain trust? I've read in a number of post, it comes down to consistent changes. She has lost trust in me, relative to, trusting me with her heart. How the heck do I regain that type of trust?!!??!