WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Well, so much for dark

She text me to work out the time to take my 7 year old to get his cast off tomorrow. I text her back the time and she called me right away

I kept it strictly business

Then she mentioned she talked to her lawyer about child support. All along she has said she had never filed anything and that her lawyer said he hadn't. Today she said that her lawyer did just to get a date. Then she said that he wants to see what number my guy came up with so we can negotiate from there. I told her that I'm fed up with her guy. First he says he and she didn't file anything. Then she says he recommended against filing. Then he files something anyway.

I told her I don't trust him as he seems to be just running up billable hours. The number is strictly a formula. There is no negotiations. I gave her the numbers my guy used to come up with the number. I said if there was any issues, I will not deal with his BS as I don't trust him and I will get a lawyer to deal with his BS

I reminded her that I was going to treat her fairly and will take care of the boys. I don't feel like her guy is trying to be fair and I'm sure she wouldn't want to be unfair.

She started crying saying she felt like I was yelling at her. I told her that I'm very frustrated about the legal BS and don't trust her lawyer. If she should know anything by now, is that I will take care of the boys

She said if I was tired of it, why don't I sign the divorce papers and get it over with.

I told her I was frustrated about the legal BS but that doesn't change how I feel and what I believe. I want the legal stuff dealt with as we have enough stuff to deal with right now

At that point I just told her that she should call her lawyer before it got to late.

She then text me back about chit chat stuff. I responded as I would to a friend. I feel like my wall held up this time

[MrBond]

Great job. You see how she changed it to you "yelling at her". She again turned to assume the role of the victim. She totally doesn't see it.

I don't know, maybe you should be upfront and just tell her what her issues are if she's not going for help. Not necessarily now, but soon. My W wasn't getting help either for her issues, just kept heaping them onto me. So I stopped her and put my foot down on HER problems. But rather than saying that they were random problems, I had facts and events that backed them up. She actually listened then.

[confusedinpa]

hey cnpa just catching up, I wanted to comment on this:

Me: Wait at least 30 minutes to respond, but thank her for the FYI. If there is a specific question (i.e. what time to pick up, etc), I will respond just to the question, but just strictly business, no chit/chat.

If you make a pattern of this she will see right through it. In fact I think she knows you are doing it on purpose right now. She is taking this as more pursuing.

In my book this is game playing, I understand why you think you should do it but Its very fake .... its not you.

To make things simple just treat her like a friend. Before you react to something simply ask yourself would I react this way towards a friend.

If a friend sent you a text would you wait 30min to reply?

just reply when you want.

I know this is a small issue but its kind of an example of how you handel some things...you seem to handle things based on you wifes reaction.
Forget about what she thinks and be you.
Dont be who you think she would want it does not work that way.

She wants you, the guy she married, its not the guy you are now and its not the guy who neglected her.

Every time you do things out of character it confuses her.

Theroadback,

That's a very good point you brought up. Dark is so out of charachter for me. I can see it being applied relative to me not initiating calls/contact right now (although it is definitely not in character for me prior to her falling off my radar).

People are saying that Dark will protect/help me with detachment, but when I started dating, we talked or were together all the time. Perhaps it was an unhealthy way to start our relationship, as I can see it created a significant dependency issue in our relationship. I think she started seeing it a few years ago and I am just starting to see it now. The book Love Without Hurt really helped me understand it better.

I really like the strategy of how I would respond/react if it was a friend - relative to responding to text/calls. I would respond when I had time. So if I was at my desk, I would respond right away. If I was in a meeting, I would wait till the end of the meeting to respond (unless it was a boring meeting, then I may text right away).

Not sure if that would really work/help in my situation though, but feel that would be more in character/normal for me.

Anyone else have comments on this?

[confusedinpa]

"It hurts that is the finality of this. I continue to go to therapy, but now it feels like its more grief counseling and working on forgiving myself"

Okay, you've had the problem all along which is why you're having such a hard time to detach. You have an all or nothing mentality which is holding you back. You feel that if you don't do anything, you've given up and if you actively do something (pursue) you're working on your marriage.

The thing is that when you don't do anything YOU ARE WORKING ON YOUR MARRIAGE! When you detach you are working on your marriage. When you go dark, you're working on your marriage. You haven't given up so stop thinking like you have.

Stuck,

I guess I really have been posting alot and you have really been the rock and consistent supporter for me. What you pointed out (all or none mentality) has always been an opportunity for me. I typically living in the extreme ends of spectrums. My "gray area" skills are very learned so that they are not very natural for me. It works well for me during business negotations as those are very tactical and analytical, so there is very little stress for me in my mind so I can manage them extremely well.

This is where it fails me as, like most people, under stress they resort to their natural tendencies - which is at the extremes. I keep trying to remind myself through reading/posting/prayer of what I need to do, but it is so hard as it does not come natural to me.

I do know that doing nothing is something. And working on me is working on the relationship as I need to be the best I can be to be in the type of relationship I want to be in. I just want it to be with my wife.

I just want it all back to "normal" so bad, as do all of us here do.

Thanks for being there for me

[MrBond]

Hey no problem. I and others can see the hope you have in your M which is why I'm here.

You should check out the convo going on in my thread now. I've got the tag team of Mr. and Mrs. Coach giving input which is very cool of them.

We'll get our D's busted yet my friend!

[confusedinpa]

Great job. You see how she changed it to you "yelling at her". She again turned to assume the role of the victim. She totally doesn't see it.

I don't know, maybe you should be upfront and just tell her what her issues are if she's not going for help. Not necessarily now, but soon. My W wasn't getting help either for her issues, just kept heaping them onto me. So I stopped her and put my foot down on HER problems. But rather than saying that they were random problems, I had facts and events that backed them up. She actually listened then.

Thanks Stuck,

This is one conversation, even though it was about a really difficult subject (child support), I feel good about it. I think I held onto my NUTS (I will not be treated unfairly).

I do have to be careful how I do handle it, as she had, in the past, said that she felt that I was lecturing to her or trying to "beat her into submission" with my words. I tried to be careful to not repeat myself (I will NEVER forget how Sandi beat that into ME!) and if I felt that I was heading down a path in the conversation that I was repeating myself, I would say something like "I don't have to explain how I feel about it any further as I've already told you how I feel about it".

When she started to get quiet/sad, I did notice this time as I notice she has done this before when she felt I was just hammering her with my words again. I would just stop talking and wait for her to say something.

When she tried to bait me with stuff from the past a couple of times, I would either say that we had discussed that stuff again and going over it again really won't be productive. Or I'm not going argue with her about that stuff as I don't see how it really helps resolve the issue that we were talking about.

I don't think I have to call her out on her issues again (not letting go of her hurt) as I had done that before and she even brought it up on Sunday during our conversation about how I said that before. I don't think she believes it, but I know she remembers.

I did think it was intersting how after that call, she text me about chit chat stuff (complaining about work), where she hadn't initiated anything like that in a couple of days. Not sure if she was feeling bad, or was trying to play me or what.

I did follow what was suggested is respond to her like I would respond to a friend.

One thing was in one really long text, the tail end of it got cut off.

I then sent her a text message telling her it got cut off, but guessed at the ending.

She said that I got/guessed it right

I told her that I guess I must be getting better at reading her mind

She the responded maybe

I think this is the balance that I am going to create. Dark (no initiation of contact). If she initiates, respond like a friend. If she starts rehashing the past/blaming, I will take the position that we had talked about all that all ready.

I will see her tomorrow when we take my 7 year old to get his cast off (he broke his wrist 3 weeks ago). I will be the upbeat/positive and the best CIPA I can be. I don't know if I should just treat her like a friend or continue to be warm/affectionate limited to non-sexual touching like I had been the last 3 weeks.

Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

We'll get our D's busted yet my friend!

Stuck,

From your lips to GOD's ears!

I'm actually heading over to your thread now as I've see quite a bit of traffic on it of late!

[Kittyfish]

You know your wife really gets me in her victim mode.

Ok, so I get that her sister and her dad hurt her- and that you hurt her in the marriage but geeze, can she get over herself??

I suffered some bad stuff growing up- mental, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse- and I certainly don't think I sound like a victim. I do talk about it from time to time- but I don't wear it like a badge or stone around my neck.

She really needs some help- have you considered that she just might be a narcassist?? Because everything is about her!

Let me tell ya- all that bad stuff? Made me strong- and as wierd as this sounds- I am really okay with who I am right now- and that stuff turned me in to the KF I am today.

[confusedinpa]

Kittyfish,

I'm really sorry that you had such a burden to live through as you became you.

Its really remarkable how differently people handle their life experiences. You sound like you have really gathered strength and charachter through yours

I am seeing more of how my wife, externally would portray a very confident, independent woman but inside she was a very scared little girl. I know that she wanted to be loved, but who doesn't. She was also very insecure, but refused to acknowledge it.

I remember how a week or so after we started dating, she had drank too much and gotten sick. She then started crying that I won't call her again and would leave her.

I think that touched me as I know my fault is that need to feel needed to take care of someone. In a sense, that's where my wife was perfect. She was from a small town in the country. She just moved out on her own for about 6 months (first time) when I met her. She had not really experienced the variety of life like I had (I had been on my own since 18, when I left for college).

When I wound up neglecting her (giving her things, instead of feeding her heart), I think she started to feel abandoned again, like when her father left. In this case though, she tried to do something about it. However, she couldn't get me to understand, until she felt it was too late

I know she has some father issues as she had said that one of the reasons why she wanted to marry me was that she felt I was stable, responsible, ambitious and would make a good father. She says I'm still those things but just doesn't trust me anymore

So this is brings us back to where I'm at

I do love her but don't know how to get her trust back. Every time we deal with the divorce legal BS, I feel it drives us further apart.

I feel that if we can just spend time on us, without the distractions, we could find us again.

So, while I'm waiting, I know I need to make sure I am the best CIPA I can be. For me, for my boys and hopefully us.

She didn't call last nite, nor did the boys call her. They didn't ask and they were having so much fun being home again that I didn't want to take away from that experience

I will see her today as we will take our 7 year old to get his cast off. I know I will be the best CIPA I can be when I do see her

So for know, I will continue Dark, but be friendly when we are together

[Kittyfish]

I still have daddy issues, don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm a victim or that I portray that image, but yet I do still have those issues. Wanting to hear words of affirmation from my spouse.

Dr. Phil says it takes 1000 attaboys to make up for one "You're an idiot" and I think that's somewhat true.