You may be right. I'm fascinated by your sitch, pulling for you, and really hoping you guys make it. Yours is the "pure DBing" path, right down to "being their best friend and helping them move to their new place," regardless of infidelity, and I'm anxious to see how it turns out. I have ALWAYS said that the main underpinning of my "hardball" approach is that most LBSs can't handle it -- especially men -- but that if you CAN, then it's a good way to go. You seem especially equipped, thru your humor, "mojo," introspection and self-confidence, to be able to handle going this way; I don't think most people are.
Puppy
That's high praise from the Pupster.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@Gypsy - I have to confess I don't understand your last at all.
@everyone - unfortunately my room wasn't ready, so I'm still on the tiny. I'm having lunch @ a place WAW & I used to come to quite a bit back in the early 90's. It was odd - I was walking down the street and just sort of drifted in, not really making the connection until I'd actually sat down and ordered. Bittersweet.
During the F2F night before last, I reiterated my rejection of Herself's reasoning on the D, but that I understood that from her POV it was the least-most-painful COA. @ lunch in her new home she repeated how she shouldn't have had kids, how she doesn't fit "in the box" of the SAHM standard in our area, how she has nothing in common with the Juicy Coture Moms @ the school, how she feels lost and directionless and without a purpose in life. I validated, etc., reminded her that our deal was she wouldn't [u]have[u/] to fit in with the Juicy Moms - I'd do the lion's share of the kid stuff, and she'd be free to pursue her professional Self. Lots of "I knows" and "I don't knows" and "I just want to give ups."
For now I'm focused on the kids - the banshee creeps ever-closer. But it's increasingly clear that Herself is flailing in the darkness and needs to know there's not an empty chasm below her. But how to communicate that without rescuing, insulating her from her own Reality, or glossing over the fact that there must be consequences for decisions we make -- that's a head-scratcher.
But it's increasingly clear that Herself is flailing in the darkness and needs to know there's not an empty chasm below her. But how to communicate that without rescuing, insulating her from her own Reality, or glossing over the fact that there must be consequences for decisions we make -- that's a head-scratcher.
That is, indeed, the toughest dance to dance. As a parent, an employer or a spouse, how you balance "being supportive" with "not enabling" and allowing consequences to their actions to kick in. It's agonizing.
But it's increasingly clear that Herself is flailing in the darkness and needs to know there's not an empty chasm below her. But how to communicate that without rescuing, insulating her from her own Reality, or glossing over the fact that there must be consequences for decisions we make -- that's a head-scratcher.
Indeed as Puppy points out. Maybe as long as you hold the fort with the door open and the outside influence (including but not limited to an OM) is minimal there is some hope she won't stray past the point of no return - like using a bungee jumping rope. But "Herself" herself mentioned "MLC" and she's in 'thick fog' so watch out for some crazy stuff down the road that may throw your mojo and/or "love of self" off track. Your taking responsibility for the children while she finds herself is an excellent move. You are very fortunate that she's not hostile towards you; it makes your job easy. Her moving out instead of you moving out is also very interesting - I wonder how that came about exactly - most of the time its the H that ends up moving out even while "DBing". [Your writing is good despite the 'tiny']
@ lunch in her new home she repeated how she shouldn't have had kids, how she doesn't fit "in the box" of the SAHM standard in our area, how she has nothing in common with the Juicy Coture Moms @ the school, how she feels lost and directionless and without a purpose in life.
I would run with this too. SP, Isn't one of the things you love about her are all her differences? Show her the things she sees as unlovable are the real things you love, appreciate and cherish about her. Let her know you will support her while she struggles internally - "how can I help?"
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
That is, indeed, the toughest dance to dance. As a parent, an employer or a spouse, how you balance "being supportive" with "not enabling" and allowing consequences to their actions to kick in. It's agonizing.
This is where I am at. It is so frustrating. Puppy where do you draw the line. How do I know the difference between making H responsible for his actions because they are morally wrong and in my case legally wrong and making him feel the consequences because it makes me feel good.
I am petrified of looking back at my actions and thinking I was emotionally charged not logically chardged !
My case is serious. Supreme court injunctions available, criminal charges for fraud. Once again who gets hurts - kids. As a mother I struggle with this kind of decision.
If you don't do anything then he won't stop. But what can it hurt to put a little fear in him? Or is he past all that...then it sounds like he is S.O.L.
That is, indeed, the toughest dance to dance. As a parent, an employer or a spouse, how you balance "being supportive" with "not enabling" and allowing consequences to their actions to kick in. It's agonizing.
This is where I am at. It is so frustrating. Puppy where do you draw the line. How do I know the difference between making H responsible for his actions because they are morally wrong and in my case legally wrong and making him feel the consequences because it makes me feel good.
I am petrified of looking back at my actions and thinking I was emotionally charged not logically chardged !
My case is serious. Supreme court injunctions available, criminal charges for fraud. Once again who gets hurts - kids. As a mother I struggle with this kind of decision.
One hint I would have at where to draw the line would be to not do anything PROACTIVELY to put him further in jeopardy, but also not do anything to STOP inherent consequences from kicking in.
Some examples of this from my own sitch two years ago:
1) After initially exposing my W's affair to her parents, I could see that it upset them terribly, and so I no longer called them up and proactively told them things. But I made a decision that if they asked me something directly, I would never lie to them to cover up my wife's affair, and I also told my wife at one point "I will no longer lie to cover up your affair."
2) When my D-then-18 told me she wanted to confront OM at the gym where OM and my W worked, and she also asked me if I had his phone number and would I give it to her . . . I told her that I did have it, I wouldn't give it to her, but that if she saw him she should feel free to tell him anything that's on her mind and on her heart.
3) Ditto for what she should say to her mother.
Not sure if this was "correct" or not, but it helped me.
Thanks - Sorry SP but i am at final hour and I need guidance. The consequences for H in legal matters, will be financial ruin to point of bankruptcy, stripped of directorships and removed as trustee of a trust. Chances are he will loose his business and consequently livlihood. He is in wrong but is prepared to defend it through the courts. He is cocky, happy and flaunting his girlfriend to one and all.
My option is to seek immediate settlement of matrimonial property and have him agree to no liability for me. This keeps the law out of it. He ends up smiling and haing gotten away with something that most feel is disgusting and very immoral.
