Hey Kat, Mish..it seems wierd, but I do seem to have quite alot of power and its ok if I say things, or show emotion, he is always super supportive, flings his arms around me. So perhaps I could chance some questions?? Its wierd.. I keep looking at him thinking, but you didnt even phone me for 3 months and now, its like we were never apart. I guess its becuase men can comparmentalise??
I am very broke, I am trying to find work and I am shocked that all the temp agencies have only 1 or 2 jobs online, its the credit crunch. Last summer, there were loads of jobs available, its really shocking.
We are spending every night together now, he even wanted to see me after Tang Soo Do last night (I am grading on Sunday for my yellow belt!), so I dont think it will be long before we live together again.
I dont have any answers, but I just feel relieved that life is back to normal again. It occurred to me today "I have a boyfriend", like, I am allowed to think that now and tell people. We got back together on 16th May...the day Saturn went direct and 18 months to the day since he left me, but its taken me this long to get used to the idea! This morning was like we have rewound 2 years and its a normal morning, except, I am up and about too (less lazy) and he is more attentive and relaxed (less depressed).
I'm dying to ask him lots of things. I did take her numbers out of his work phone, for future reference, but no evidence of her. He happily goes through his camera and phone in front of me and shows me things and scrolls through his inbox.. so I dont think they have stayed in contact at all. He is not in contact with her at work as far as I can tell. I'm not threatened by her AT ALL, she is 100% history, but I am naturally curious!
He just hugs me ALL the time.. constant arms wrapped all around me. I wonder how much of an idiot he feels for leaving me in the first place?? I'm dying to ask him that too.. how he felt being apart, at what point he realised he wanted me back, how it felt ML to her when he didnt love her and thought about me every day.
I want some answers because we are in a bit of a numb zone right now, things are VERY back to normal, but theres lots of underlying unsaid things that need to be bought into the light and then laid to rest, forever. I dont intend to throw it back in his face or hold it against him, ever, I'm just not like that. We need to talk it through though, one example.. at the weekend, BMF cooked some pizza, my bf started saying how great this make was and how they sell them in his local shop and turned to me and said, they're really good arent they, remember we had one of these... and then trailed off, looked confused, then a bit troubled. I have never eaten this pizza before, so he must have confused me with Helen in his mind for a split second! I kind of felt sorry for him! We need to lay these ghosts to rest though.
You both need to be reassured but it appears to be in different ways. He needs to know that you are thrilled to have him back and you need to know that Helen didn't mean anything but then also why he stayed away. I don't think that you are at a point for a heavy conversation but maybe you could bring up somethings in a light sort of way.
The work has only begun, don't let it just stagnate because it is easier. However don't try to put it all out there at once. You may mention that you do need to talk sometime soon and go with that.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat, you have made a good point... he needs reassurance too. Things are starting to leak out from him.. he seems to be under the assumption/fear(?) that I had someone else whilst we were apart !!!!!!
Last night he came over and fixed my car radio, fixed my bike, did some plumbing and took the front of my bath to mend something and fixed a light fitting in the hallway...(Acts of service, lovely, but still no goddamn flowers!!) I was appreciative but a bit quiet, he kept asking if I was ok and kissing me, but I was trying to find a way to say, its great you are doing all this, but its too late, I cant afford to live here anymore! But I couldnt say it and he wrongly interpreted my demeanour as not comfortable with what he was doing.
I forgot to say he asked me at the weekend if I wanted to be his gf.. did I want us to be together (he didnt add "again") and could he be my bf? I said yes of course.. but he suddenly said last night.. I DID ask you to be my gf the other night.. all insecureish, which surprised me! I didnt think HE would feel insecure. Its been nearly 4 weeks and I can see issues starting to emerge, after the initial excitement of being back together.
He has a bad rash which he assumes is exzcema and I have mouth ulcers... so I finally bravely asked him...
..are you worried about that rash?.. could you go get checked out? ..I mean.. generally, checked out..??
He was very good about it and said, yes, yes, of course, I'm more than happy to do that, do I go to the GP for that? I told him to look up GUI clinics in the phonebook. He kept saying calmly and looking quite serious, yes, of course I will..I asked if he minded me asking him to and he said, no, not at all..I told him it had been difficult to ask, I am sure everything is fine.. or perhaps I could get checked after him. He looked worried and joked.. what have you been up to? I said deadpan.. I havent been up to anything at all.. and he looked very guilty and said, OH sorry, sorry, I shouldnt make a joke like that and hugged me alot. I absolutely need to know that she didnt give him anything, to help draw a line under it.
His Mum phoned Monday night after we got home.. she DIDNT MENTION me at all, or me and him staying with her or being back together. Nothing. Thats astounding she has made no reference to it and I want to talk to him about that.. its so shocking she would say nothing after such a big seachange in his life, its absolutely indicative of the way he has been bought up and why he is the way he is.
Thats astounding she has made no reference to it and I want to talk to him about that.. its so shocking she would say nothing after such a big seachange in his life, its absolutely indicative of the way he has been bought up and why he is the way he is.
Family of origin issues are the most prevalent type of disorder effecting R's. You and he will need to work through those if you feel they are hurting you, as I suspect they are since he stuffs his emotions and you want to express yours.
He has a rash and you have mouth ulcers? YIKE! Could they both be stress related? Quite possibly. Definitely have them checked though!
Ahhh....AOS....the WAS language of contrition. Gabe still does AOS for me, I assume out of a guilty conscience. I let him...heck, I'm not one to turn down help due to my stubborn pride. I say let him do it, even if you aren't going to be able to stay there. Did you have a security deposit? Having those things fixed would get the deposit back then, right?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I know that to you it was a long two years. I'll bet he has no clue how long it was, without thinking about it. If he had to guess, without having time to think about it, he'd probably say it was 20 minutes. OK, maybe a bit longer than that, but you get the idea. What I am saying is that I think you had better be prepared for him to never really understand what you are feeling about this. In the cloud he was in I don't think he ever felt it the way you did. That doesn't make it right, but there it is.
Jeff expressed precisely what I was thinking. When he left it was mainly because of his issues and he went along his own journey. The consequences of this on you were huge but a by-product all the same (isn't it horrible to think of that). He will be aware that he's hurt you and given you a pretty raw deal but he will have no idea to the extent of which you suffered, for want of a better word. I think if he did realise this at the moment it would send you both backwards so much. Choose the right time and for now put it on a shelf to be dealt with later - crap as that is for you!
Hey guys, thanks for reading my ramblings ! I know that sounded bad, I meant he DOES have exzcema and I have a mouth ulcer, but it was a way of me broaching him getting checked out. Its a mental thing really, I'm sure theres nothing wrong (although chlamydia is prevalent in the UK, so you never know!)
Mish.. absolutely, it was clear as day to me JUST how incapable she is of talking about emotions.. he even said he tried to talk to her about her being depressed and she firmly changed the subject like she hadnt heard him.. like 3 times!! He says he is going to write her a letter. We'll see. And yes, I am very expressive normally! Ahh, so AOS is guilt too? Well yep, would help me get the deposit back, thats true !
Hey Jeff.. thats a good point, I guess its hard for me to see it as he does, because I wasnt the one that got all foggy headed! I'm off over to his now, he is cooking me a roast dinner (yay!) and I wish we WOULD talk..
Hi Julia! Well it is a bit pants for me, I just want to clear the air and us to start afresh and forget what went on.. but theres so much air to clear, its like someone set fire to the curtains and forgot to open a window. But, he doesnt seem to want to talk about ANYTHING. Not yet anyway! We do need to talk about living arrangements at least. We seem to be together every night now and I cant imagine that will change...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
If you are set on flowers, I think you will have drop the poor guy a hint. He isn't used to them meaning something and now that they do, just say it.
I know I dated one guy who gave me flowers all of the time. They quickly lost special meaning. They mean so much more when it isn't a special occasion behind the thought. My ex actually bought me a dozen long stemmed roses after our first argument! Could have saved a bundle if he knew my favorites were tulips. No I gladly took them and didn't mention my favorites.
Drop a hint and if that doesn't work...knock him on the head. LOL
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think that he thinks that be being back, the air is cleared! If you want more than that, you are goingt to have to push it. And you might not really like the result. Instead of getting the closure you are after it might make him think again of all the "reasons" he left in the first place. And that might not be a good thing.
Do you want to "fix" the old R, or build a new one? You might have to let go of the past.
There is no "you might want to let go of the past", there is YOU MUST LET GO of the past.
You've been saying all along you had a very good relationship but... you got here, so obviously something wasnt so fantastic and you had enough time to figure out where you both went wrong. Try to avoid mistakes of the past and even though you feel so "comfortable" with each other, at this point treat this as a new R and you will lead him to do the same. Flowers may then follow... K
Gabe still does AOS for me, I assume out of a guilty conscience. I let him...heck, I'm not one to turn down help due to my stubborn pride. I say let him do it, even if you aren't going to be able to stay there. Did you have a security deposit? Having those things fixed would get the deposit back then, right? 