K I think a lot of these guys act the same during limited contact they perceivr it as we are angry at them so they return the anger they dont realize we are just tring to get on with our lives It hurts them that we are UNavailable they react thats my take peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
VENT!! To people who actually understand the ups and downs of this crazy train.
My life is not bad. I keep moving along.I have learned to live
happily for the most part with this handicap. Oh, guess what??
IM NOT DIVORCED YET!!!! WE had a final court date on June
24th(that is the day he left 4 yrs ago) but it had to be moved
for a more important trial to July 22nd. Funny, its like we
are not meant to be divorced..It's only been almost 5 yrs.
On the H front: Well since my last post back in March, H is
still acting like his hormones are out of whack. There was a
bit of silence after that last episode. THen on Easter, he
called. WE were away he was questioning D8 where and who we
went with. H was still a bit quiet after that. In May, H called
me twice around 3 in the morning to ask me something about D8.
I found that odd but then realized he must have been thinking
about me( Why wouldn't he be :)) He came one day to my
classroom and started hugging me and made advances. Saying if
we had sex we would feel better about each other. And all the
anger would be gone. Umm, I didn't take him up on his offer.
So the following week , I had a friend at my house. He didnt
recognize the car. Normally he just has D8 walk up. But this
time he got out of the car. But instead H came up. Asked me to step outside. Talked to me about D8..asked who was
here..grabbed me..tried kissing and grabbing me. I told him no
and it wasn't appropiate. H then asked me......Why are you
being this way? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU???? I was floored. I told
him nothing. Then he said he wanted to say hi to the dogs
inside and see D8's room. He basically was looking for the
person in my house. I told him I was busy and had to go. He got
irritated and said he was mad because I was telling him he had
to go. I was busy!
So an hour later he calls asking about my sister(who he hates) and trying to have a conversation. I cut it short because I had a friend over . He didnt like that.He hung up.To be continued.....
sooo...Again H becomes quiet. When I see him he looks miserable. Whatever, not my problem..right?
So the last week of May, H comes to pick up D8. Now, D8 told me daddy sleeps while she is there and she doesnt like going with him when he does. My biggest concern of what she told me was that daddy tells me to go ride bike outside and he will be out in a couple of minutes. Well, when she did , she got scared and went back in because there was a strange man outside. When she told me this, I DID ask H . My daughter is 8 and should never be riding a bike on the street by herself. I would never! Ok, so I told H as nicely as possible because he is very sensitive at this point.
He basically said his daughter is a liar. He didnt sleep and blah blah blah. Now, I know My H and he was sleeping. He sleeps alot H said D8 was outside alone for a couple of seconds. Well, I believe D8. He said he would TRY to be outside with her. I said well if he cant make sure, then she wont go. THen he said he would.
So when he came to pick her up, he was with attitude. D8 sensed it. When they left, they returned quickly. D8 did not want to go with him because "Daddy is mad because you believe me and not him" Poor D8. I spoke to H, he said believe whatever you want and stormed out. Left D8. I went after him. He again said I can't believe you don't believe me..I said ..oops..HOW COULD I, YOU HAVE LIED TO ME FOR 4 YEARS" probably not the best thing to say. He then gave me the middle finger.
So this past week he was supposed to pick her up..He send s me a text that he won't pick her up until this is resolved. So he sent me the following email:
Quote:
Kiki, first off I'm not angry at D8 or you, but I am very disappointed in both of you. Although I don't understand why D8 lies about me, I understand that she might be doing it to somehow garner some affection or something from you. I don't think you really want to hear about all that so I'm just going to move on to what my concerns are for the future.
I am D8's father. As her father I am just as concerned for her safety and development as you are. I can, without reservation, be trusted to protect her and provide for her. I go out of my way with her to not only show her love and affection, but help her develope as a child. I teach her things and spend time building her self esteem so that she can do things that she otherwise would say "I can't do that."
With that being said, this past week was extremely hurtful for me from both you and D8. I don't blame you for wanting to believe her, she is your daughter and you love her. However, what I do expect from you is your 100% support in front of her. When she complains or says something that she didn't like, you should tell her that I love her and that what I say goes while she is with me. I NEVER go against anything you say with her. I am 100% supportive of you with regards to her. I want to see her, but I am tired of how this is going. I don't need you questioning me and then laying down your rules on me "or else she isn't coming over." For you to insinuate that you cannot trust me with her safety is aboslutely rediculous. I carry a gun for a living and take care of people all day, every day. I know what is safe and what is not. I also know when someone can be given a little lee-way and when they cannot. I guess the bottom line is this - I am not interested in parenting D while you attempt to tie one of my arms behind my back. If you think you can do it so much better than me, then maybe its best for her if I just step aside and offer my financial support. This is not what I want. Whether you want to agree or not, D8 needs me in her life. I offer her alot of support and exposure to different things. She has learned and grown so much in the past two months its amazing. I want to continue to be a father to her. But, I will not do it while I have to worry about her saying something to you and then me having to justify it. I need you to tell me that I have your 100% support and that my rules at my house are fine. I need to know that when she is with me that you trust me with her and that no matter what nonesense she tells you, you will support me. I need you to tell me that your sorry for undermining me in front of her. I need you to tell me that when she is with me, I have 100% control of what is going on and that your ok with that. If you can't do this for me, then I don't really know how things are going to go. Obviously I miss D8 and want to see her. I will see her still. But my feelings as a man and a father have been seriously hurt Kiki, by both of you. I really do, whether you want to believe it or not, sacrifice so much and give my heart to her. I know you probably don't realize how big of a deal that whole scene was for me, but it's as big as it can get. I haven't been hurt like this since we separated. I really want you to tell me that things are going to change.
I hope this came off the way I intended. I'm not angry, just hurt. I hope you understand and can put yourself in my shoes and see things from my perspective. I love her very much and want to be her father. But you know me, and I need to be the kind of father I want to be. I felt, and feel, as though all the wind had been taken from my sails and that I really dont matter that much to either of you anymore.
So I responded saying I wanted to talk to him about it. He said
we would this past Sunday, but never did. D8 and I went to
Disney and on Sat. while eating ice cream in the middle of
Disney, she had a breakdown. She started crying and said MY
daddy doesnt want to see me. I was furious. she should never
have to deal with that. So I texted him and explained to him
what was happening.. He says he can't do anything
right..everything is his fault..we need family counseling and
he will pay for it. I thought that was great...PROGRESS!!
WEll, the next dat he texted and apolized to D8 and me for
being so difficult. Not to worry, he won't be like that again.
I said thank you and will make the family counsling appt. He
said..drum rolls please...No, we don't need it. It was me. I
SOOO, I tell H to come by and see D8 Sunday because she hadn't seen him in almost two weeks and needed to.
D8 waited by the window for an hour. H shows up at 845pm. And he was not smiling. I told him D8 was thinking he wasn't coming and he snapped at me and said WEll, I'M HERE AREN'T I?! I asked him what was wrong he said, you don't even say hi..I said I was sorry but was trying to make D8 feel better.
So he stayed for 30 minutes. He was quiet. He stared at me. Asked me who watched the dogs. Stared at me. Then he had to go. so he seemed like he had a chip on his shoulder. He is supposed to pick up D8 today. I asked him to pick her up at my moms but he says its too far and wants me to tell him when she is here.
My crazy train continues..this month it will be 4 yrs..FOUR YEARS!!!!
Kiki, you really and truly are in the Twilight Zone. Your h has some major issues. Just get out of the way, because I think the train wreck is coming. Or you could just pull up a lawn chair.
wow kiki, I dont know much about your sitch, but that email from your H was something else....Some of these men just wanna go on with life and act as if nothing has happened, but then let their feelings get hurt and its a whole different story! I agree with beginnersmind, he does seem to have alot of issues right now....dont let him get to you...just reassure your D that you both love her and that he is just having a hard time right now.
Take Care.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Hey Begginersmind and kissak. Yes, he really does have issues. I have stood and watched him go up and down. And then when I do want to talk about how he feels he avoids it. That letter really stumped me. I didn't even know he was hurt when we separated?!?
As far as I can tell, this is fairly normal for a MLC'er to react this way.
It is the part that is still not sure the right decision was made and they try to cling.
There MAY be a part of him that is starting to know that what happened was wrong. And not neccessarily what he wanted all along.
I also think that you were right to tell him that you cannot believe him. He has given you NO reason to do so.
He needs to reap what he has sewn for it to hit home.
Is it too late ? Probably so. Only you know that....
And although I don't agree with his tactics and superiority complex, I agree that D8 needs to be a priority to BOTH of you, and I know that she is for you.
I know it is hard, but that relationship between them is one that HE needs to find.
In a idealistic setting, he is right. 100% backing is usually required. But that is assuming that your D's best interest is at heart for him.
Trust has to be earned....Find a balance with this.
If he wants his parenting skills backed 100 % ? , then he needs to show you he is 100% commited to doing the best for her at all times......
But you know this.....
Just be careful of the bats flying out of his head.....:)
You are absolutely right..I WANT to trust him and believe him. I really do. But he hasn't really given me any reason to. Only time can tell.
It is so hard to deal with someone who you have no idea what is going through their head. It's hard. But I get through it. I have learned to back away from his drama and let him diffuse. THat is good!
