WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[volleydog]

If that's why, how does that help get her?

It helps YOU...You'll never be comfortable with yourself if you can't detach from her. You are way too focused on her and how to "win" her back you seem to be forgetting about you. If the only reason you are doing what you are doing is to get her back IF you get her back I highly doubt the changes will stick.

[Kittyfish]

Dark wouldn't have worked with me because at the point I left I just didn't care period.

I'm not sure exactly what would have worked with me after I had left.

Before- small lasting changes that I could notice- not just words of what he was going to do, affection, not being treated like a sex object. Him going to counseling one of the 25 times I suggested it.

[confusedinpa]

Kittyfish,

I appreciate the candor. As Volleydog pointed out, I see how Dark helps me, but recovering the relationship doesn't seem to be obvious

From your comments, I understand what my wife said before she left. She felt that my changes were just physical. Perhaps she didn't feel that it was coming from the heart but more just actions.

Sounds like your husband didn't even do Dark (from your nasty emails comment)

My wife has said that she had tried so long to get my attention, that she fells like she has just emotionally moved on. Her analogy was like back in HS, if you were interested in someone, eventually you just run out of energy to keep trying.

Is that how you felt?

Thanks

[Kittyfish]

Absolutely. Did she tell you at any time she was unhappy or wanted you to change?

I did tell my exhusband that many times. Perhaps that is the difference between me and a regular WAW?

He did try GAL I guess- he got more busy with his hobbies and even got babysitters on his nights with the kids to go out and do things. But since his hobbies were a problem to begin with in our marriage- GAL wasn't appealing to me.

[confusedinpa]

She tried to tell me but I didn't understand what the problem was. All last year when we went to marriage counseling together, I would tell her I loved her, I was happy and didn't know what the problem was. She would then say either she knew she loved me but didn't feel it or she didn't think I was happy. I told her I didn't understand what she was trying to say and we never got on the same page. This went on for a year. Until she dropped the bomb

Since then we switched counselors and I did my 180 right up to when she left. That's when she would say she sees the physical changes and feels that I'm such a better person but still didn't feel "that she could love me like a wife should".

It hurts that is the finality of this. I continue to go to therapy, but now it feels like its more grief counseling and working on forgiving myself

I know I need to keep working on myself and Dark can help protect myself emotionally.

Any suggestions on what may have worked for you?

[drew7]

[/quote]
I am just thinking like a female. You guys may be a DAM, but we are just plain crazy in how we think! Stop and think about this. If there is no other man in the picture, why would she want to D you? Oh, I know all those old excuses she is using, but I don't buy it. If you have not seen any of the MLC symptons in her (and I don't know that I have) then what is the deal with her? Women don't usually get a D unless there is another person, abuse, MLC, or just can't take living with no love in return. She may think you don't "listen" to her, etc., but she knows you LOVE her. So again, I ask you.......what is the real deal with her?

Talk later,
Sandi

[/quote]

Wow.. fabulous advice there.. it makes sense in my situation too as I none of those appear to apply. Anyway, I am relatively new to this (see I can't even quote correctly!) but I must say that is some of the best advice I've heard about WAW's so far..

Drew

[Kittyfish]

I'd stay Dark to protect myself emotionally right now.

[theroadback]

hey cnpa just catching up, I wanted to comment on this:

Me: Wait at least 30 minutes to respond, but thank her for the FYI. If there is a specific question (i.e. what time to pick up, etc), I will respond just to the question, but just strictly business, no chit/chat.

If you make a pattern of this she will she right through it. In fact I think she knows you are doing it on purpose right now. She is taking this as more pursuing.

In my book this is game playing, I understand why you think you should do it but Its very fake .... its not you.

To make things simple just treat her like a friend. Before you react to something simply ask yourself would I react this way towards a friend.

If a friend sent you a text would you wait 30min to reply?

just reply when you want.

I know this is a small issue but its kind of an example of how you handel some things...you seem to handle things based on you wifes reaction.
Forget about what she thinks and be you.
Dont be who you think she would want it does not work that way.

She wants you, the guy she married, its not the guy you are now and its not the guy who neglected her.

Every time you do things out of character it confuses her.

When she text you I bet she says to herself... well he is going wait to respond about a 1/2 hour to try get a rise out of me ... thats fine, just shows he is still thinking of ways tto try and get me back, trying to play hard to get when he is not......

I had an issue come up i wanted to share with you....

I was leaving for my vacation without my wife.

When I was leaving she left at the same time, she just got into her car and left.
She did not say anything; have a safe trip, bye, f@#$ you, nothing in fact she did not even look at me.
I would have said something before....I would have been pissed (well I was pissed )before and called her on it.

Instead I did nothing, I left on my trip. about 2 -3 hours into my trip she sent me a text.

HER Howz things?

ME: great almost there.

HER: I know you were in a hurry but it was rude of you to leave like that.

I said a few choice words to myself like wtf....but i saw the bait and i replied:

ME: I am staying at such such hotel (wanted her to know in case of anything)

HER: oh

ME well, I am going to eat now so I will talk to you later.

HER: ok.

[theroadback]

Oh and sandi...you crack me up... some of stuff you say I cant help it. I find myself; saying that is soooo true... but its the way you say it that makes it funny.....

[MrBond]

"It hurts that is the finality of this. I continue to go to therapy, but now it feels like its more grief counseling and working on forgiving myself"

Okay, you've had the problem all along which is why you're having such a hard time to detach. You have an all or nothing mentality which is holding you back. You feel that if you don't do anything, you've given up and if you actively do something (pursue) you're working on your marriage.

The thing is that when you don't do anything YOU ARE WORKING ON YOUR MARRIAGE! When you detach you are working on your marriage. When you go dark, you're working on your marriage. You haven't given up so stop thinking like you have.

You've gone dark for what...3 days and you complain that your M is over? C'mon. Try saying that to the people who were waiting for 3 years without a response from their spouse and who have just heard back from them wanting to work on the M.

You go to church, so you believe in God. Well, you can't see God, touch Him or hear Him. But you believe in him. That's what you have to do hear. You give all your burdens to Him and have FAITH that things will work out. You are having a very hard time letting go.

Since you saw the movie Fireproof, that's a perfect example. His W file for D, they didn't talk to each other even though they live together. But he detached and left everything up to God. It's scary to let go. But you have to get there somehow.

You can do it. Let her go emotionally and let the chips fall where they may. You are not her, you can't figure out what she's thinking. so stop saying "i don't know/understand why she..." Clarity will come soon enough when the time is right. You can do it.