WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Confused, I think you are too hung up on going "dark" and do not fully understand the concept. Being dark is not having contact with them. How can you listen and show compassion if you are going dark? I think it would be better for you to think in terms of being emotionally detached. JMHO.

Sandi - I pulled this back from Stuck's thread as I didn't want to wind up hijacking his thread.

I think I'm starting to understand better now. I should not initiate any contact with her (Dark), outside of things related with the kids. If we do have contact because of the kids, keep it strictly business.

This doesn't mean don't be cordial and polite (saying Hi and Bye). Also, being upbeat and positive is ok as well.

If she starts attacking/blaming stuff from the past, that's where I should draw my boundary and can say "I've appologized for those in the past and I've am drawing what I've learned from them to work on me" (or is that too much). Or should I just cut it off to "I've already appologized for those in the past.". Or do I add some validation "I can see how you've felt hurt by those things in the past and I've already applogized for that" Or "????"

I know that I should try to be the one to break off contact/call

You are right, I think I've really missed the concept/point of Dark.

[Kittyfish]

I don't know everything about DB but it seems to me that Dark is Dark. No contact. Since you have kids that's not possible so I would say dark except to do with the kids. But that's just my opinion. Sandi knows more than I do about this stuff.

[confusedinpa]

Kittyfish,

I agree that Dark is harder when there are kids involved. I don't think exposing the kids to a no contact scenario is very good for them - (ie having the kids go out to the driveway by themselves when she shows up to pick them up). So when we are "together", I plan on being the warm, caring, attentive person I want my boys to be.

That's my opinion but I'll wait for Sandi and others to chime in on that

[volleydog]

I agree that Dark is harder when there are kids involved. I don't think exposing the kids to a no contact scenario is very good for them - (ie having the kids go out to the driveway by themselves when she shows up to pick them up). So when we are "together", I plan on being the warm, caring, attentive person I want my boys to be.

I think that's the way to go.

[confusedinpa]

Volleydog,

Thanks for the feedback and support. The last 3 weeks have been particularly tough on me (not that the first 5 months wasn't rough).

I think I'm getting a handle on my approach but am definitely open to more feedback

I'm trying to get back to DB/DR basics. I had outlined goals earlier but will reread them to make sure they are still appropriate

Another element I have come to terms with, that I recently realized, is trying to forgive myself for the hurt/pain inflicted upon my family. I've talked to my therapist on this as well as my friends. Last Sunday, the church service was about divorce and also talked about forgiveness. My therapist tells me that I should start each day by saying out loud that "I choose to forgive myself". My friends have been very supportive as they say I've done/doing all that I can do but she is choosing to close the door.

I'm really struggling with letting go of the guilt to forgive myself. Perhaps that the same issue my wife is experiencing in letting go of her hurt. Maybe she's doing that so she won't feel the guilt. But that's what she needs to work on.

Part of my struggle with letting go of the guilt is when I see the boys. When they are upset about the situation, I'm reminded of the guilt. When they are happy and carefree, I feel guilty that they can't be like that all the time.

But I guess that's why my therapist talks about forgiveness as a choice. I'm working on it but its a tough choice to live

[confusedinpa]

I don't know everything about DB but it seems to me that Dark is Dark. No contact. Since you have kids that's not possible so I would say dark except to do with the kids. But that's just my opinion. Sandi knows more than I do about this stuff.

Kittyfish,

In your opinion, how would you have reacted to Dark. In Stuck's thread, you sound alot like what my wife has said.

It's now the second day that I haven't talked to my wife. She had the kids call me last nite and tonite to say good nite, but she didn't get on the phone like she used to.

I'm so torn as she has told me twice in the past couple of weeks that if I want to call her I should. But this is so anti-DB/DR Dark.

I know one of the issues we had in the past is that she would say something and I would twist it around in my mind to mean something else and we would be completely on the wrong page.

Right now, my goal is to make it until Thurs without talking to my wife (I will see her on Thursday when we take our 7 year old to get his cast taken off).

Thanks for your support

[aliveandkicking]

Confused, I think you are too hung up on going "dark" and do not fully understand the concept. Being dark is not having contact with them. How can you listen and show compassion if you are going dark? I think it would be better for you to think in terms of being emotionally detached. JMHO.

Looks like you missed that she seems to have been telling you to work on emotionally detaching, not going dark. They are very different.

[confusedinpa]

Confused, I think you are too hung up on going "dark" and do not fully understand the concept. Being dark is not having contact with them. How can you listen and show compassion if you are going dark? I think it would be better for you to think in terms of being emotionally detached. JMHO.

Looks like you missed that she seems to have been telling you to work on emotionally detaching, not going dark. They are very different.

Ack!

Did I get that wrong? I thought she had suggested going dark

I think her post in page 16 said that. I reread it and now I'm not so sure

Hopefully Sandi can clarify

I'd you get a vance can you take a look at it and see what you think?

Thanks

[MrBond]

sandi meant to go dark and not call your W when you felt like it and you not answering her back unless it involved your kids.

Simple.

Only when you're face to face, keep things upbeat, friendly and lively.

This was so that you wouldn't get suckered in to your W's blame game.

[confusedinpa]

sandi meant to go dark
....

This was so that you wouldn't get suckered in to your W's blame game.

If that's why, how does that help get her?

I really don't see her missing me as she felt so alone over the last 3 years that she is used to not being with me (especially since I travel for work so much)