And P.S....please stop it with the hoodoo. You need to ride this storm out and see where it leads you. Do not try to change the course of it in THAT WAY. Instead, just use your heart.
SP: There's a difference between me feeling sorry for you and me acknowledging that -- whether you accept it or not, whether you're "really" alone or not, whether you drift from one man to another or become a nun or not -- I took you there. You had a home, and through my neglect of your needs and feelings I've chased you out of it.
MAN, SP, it sure seems like you're putting ALL (or nearly all) of the burden for HER deciding to be wayward on YOU!!!
Is this how you truly feel, or is this some sort of unilateral disarmament thing you doves like to do when confronted with an immutable force???
SP, Your W is very insecure. Think about that. Lot's of clues.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
SP, Your W is very insecure. Think about that. Lot's of clues.
Granted, so? If I had to "guess" (and that's all I can do) the WAW puts their "faith" in all sorts of "fantasies" starting way before the 'bomb' was dropped (I can get my own house, be rid of H, have an A with a romantic OM who will love me, I will have peace, I can do whatever I want, life is short, so-and-so did it and is better off, etc). The LBS has little chance of prevailing despite becoming the proverbial "emotional' rock after months of recovery from the trauma of the "bomb". This is especially true if the WAW has a very broken value system, including not viewing marriage and family as "sacred" and/or a "commitment", coming from a messed up childhood, etc. There are only a very few "sitches" that are savable despite the LBS saving themselves. In most cases the WAW will not take ownership of one iota of their behavior.
[quote]I admire your sense of resolution, and I'm not going to challenge your reasoning or your commitment. You're divorcing me. I know that. But insofar as alone-ness goes, I'll simply say this: you won't have to be either kind of alone, given time, honesty, openness, and perhaps just a dash of luck.[quote]
Beautifully felt and communicated...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Okay.....lots of things to reply to very early in the morning in Midwestern Regional Airport, with a rather tiny iPhone virtual keypad, so please forgive the misspellings.
1. @everyone - remember, you're coming into this conversation (which was via email, btw) 21 or so years in. Herself & I have discussed her feelings of unlovability many times over the years and, as you will see when I can tell the rest of the rest of the story when this nightmare of a hop ends and I can access the "real" internet, when E-convo turned into Face-2-Face convo, I didn't leave it hanging.
2. Upshot of F2F convo is that WAW is scared and feels alone. Told her she doesn't have 2 feel alone - I'll be here if she needs me. A lot of "that's ridiculous" and "you can't" and "everyone would tell you you're crazy" and "I couldn't" hand-waving to which I essentially replied that (a) I would consider it a favor if she reached out to me, (b) I don't care what "everyone" would say (by which I assume she meant the members of Team SP in the world), and (c) it does me no good and our kids no good for WAW to be lonely and sad, so anything I might do to alleviate some of that is really just selfishness on my part. So no matter the sitch, my door isn't closed though she's walking away.
3. @Gypsy(?)(can't scroll back up) - I'm not really doing HooDoo lol! Just (mis)appropriating the ideas.
4. Yesterday WAW started moving into her new home - locksmith, cable guy, a couple pcs of furniture. She asked me to see it, and I agreed. As she showed me around she cried a bit. Brought in some lunch from down the street, and as we ate she suggested / sort-of asked if I might come over for dinner once in a while when all is said and done, to which I was cautious-but-not-closed-off. And she cried a bit more, so I gave her a hug and told her it will be okay, one way or the other. She started bagging on herself - I'm such a piece of sh*t, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. She feels "invisible" and generally hates her life. Validated, asked her not to demean herself - we're all struggling, we all have a hard fight (@Greek!), we'll just work it 1 day @ a time. I won't let you fall too far, so if you need a hand you can reach out and one will be there.
Had to leave, thanked her for the lunch, told her I'd see her before I left.
@airport, I texted her: "Nice 2 see ur new home. It will be ok. As much as u want or need I will meet u 1/2-way whenever I can.". And I turned off the phone.
When I arrived at Midwestern Regional Airport a reply text was waiting: "Ur a good man. I dont no what my problem is. Must be midlife crisis. But its a crisis definitely."
@Puppy - right now WAW is doing a fairly good job (4 lack of better term) of attacking herself, & I dont perceive much value-added @ this time in rubbing salt in. There will be a time for recrimination, D or no D, but this doesnt feel like it. Patton in command of an inflatable army in England...
While reading through your posts trying to find mine then realizing your name is on a need to know basis and I don't know what it was.. your wife keeps saying.. "I don't know how WE got here... got to this place" and cries.
Two thoughts..
Have you done the "Five Why's"? A person makes a statement. You ask "Why?" They answer that question. You ask "Why?" and so on. Quick way of getting to a basic truth.
Ready2Change will 'force' behavior.. if he wants his kids to come close to him, he pushes them away; the opposite is true.
You have no control over how far she'll fall, you have no control over how miserable she feels about herself. Here's a concept.. develop your own boundaries. People make sacrifices and compromises in their marriage, for their family. Yet what I learned post-divorce after a 25 year marriage, that by compromising myself (i.e., feeling the marriage and family were more important than me, by not having the confidence to make demands, put my foot down, make waves) my actions helped erode what was most treasured in my life - my relationship with my husband and being a family. My discontent came out in passive/aggressive behavior, feeling overwhelmed then powerless.
Setting boundaries is a skill set I've had to learn (after having a childhood of serious abuse). Guess what.. they're GREAT! It's not something you can do for her. She has to learn it on her own. However, it's a gift you can give yourself.
It's not about having the perfect answers. It's about stripping the facade. You have a woman, who was the love of your life, in an extreme situation where she's doing what her reality tells her is the right yet painful step to take.
And who are you, person of wit? It's not a question to answer here. Peel away the covert, drop the humor, shed your defenses and look in the mirror. Be real. It beats the alternative.
@Puppy - right now WAW is doing a fairly good job (4 lack of better term) of attacking herself, & I dont perceive much value-added @ this time in rubbing salt in. There will be a time for recrimination, D or no D, but this doesnt feel like it. Patton in command of an inflatable army in England...
SP,
You may be right. I'm fascinated by your sitch, pulling for you, and really hoping you guys make it. Yours is the "pure DBing" path, right down to "being their best friend and helping them move to their new place," regardless of infidelity, and I'm anxious to see how it turns out. I have ALWAYS said that the main underpinning of my "hardball" approach is that most LBSs can't handle it -- especially men -- but that if you CAN, then it's a good way to go. You seem especially equipped, thru your humor, "mojo," introspection and self-confidence, to be able to handle going this way; I don't think most people are.
