Ok mc did not go well. Every week h has a gripe about something I said or did. Mc has asked him to communicate with me anytime he has a problem instead of holding it in until we get there & then complaining about it.
We chat a bit & mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wkd that has offended him. He said no. Mc says how did that feel? H says I didn't really notice bc I've disconnected. Nothing has changed with regard to my feelings for her. Mc asked h to look me in the eye & say that. Looks at me & says my feelings just aren't there for you, sorry.
I totally kept my composure! Completely confident & it felt so liberating! Mc says how do you think she feels. H says I can't tell. I said my dream is still that our m will survive & that our kids will have a family. In the meantime I am becoming the best me I can be for wherever this life takes me. I realize I am the only one that can make me happy.
H says she finally gets it - she's a strong person & no matter how things end up, we will all survive. I say survive implies just getting by. And I'm not okay with that.
We talk about other bs stuff. At the end I say I would like to ask you something. When you said you weren't feeling anything for me, do u want to? Are you trying to? H says to b honest, no. I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have.
Mc you will take baggage with you to your next r if you don't practice how you want things to be now. H says I already have been. I'm vein assertive. If I want to work late, I do. If I want to go out with my friends, I do. I said well even with you being more assertive, you still don't have any complaints about me so I think our worlds can coexist.
I feel like I've stripped all his complaints away & he's still not ready to look in the mirror & maybe he never will. He said people can't change & now there's no disputing that I am making changes. Maybe it just hasn't been long enough & he thinks it's fake?
Now what? I want to go dark, but we live in the same house!
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
"Every week h has a gripe about something I said or did."
This is a given. Of course he will blame you.
"Mc has asked him to communicate with me anytime he has a problem instead of holding it in until we get there & then complaining about it."
Now could the C have said the same thing to you?
Remember Communication is key.
"We chat a bit & mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wkd that has offended him. He said no. Mc says how did that feel? H says I didn't really notice bc I've disconnected. Nothing has changed with regard to my feelings for her. Mc asked h to look me in the eye & say that. Looks at me & says my feelings just aren't there for you, sorry."
If I took a gun and held it to your head and said.. say "this". What would you do? Would you say what I wanted you to say? Imagine him in the same place.
When you find yourself at the end of your rope and ready to let go.. you will do and say anything. That is where he is.
"Mc says how do you think she feels. H says I can't tell."
A little hint.. he could not tell how you felt long before you were sitting in that room with the MC.
"H says she finally gets it - she's a strong person & no matter how things end up, we will all survive. I say survive implies just getting by. And I'm not okay with that."
This his clearly his view on things. How can you overcome that?
"We talk about other bs stuff. At the end I say I would like to ask you something. When you said you weren't feeling anything for me, do u want to? Are you trying to? H says to b honest, no. I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have."
I have long pondered why people do the things they do. It has shown me that people do things cause the "options" don't seem any better. What "options" do you offer?
"I feel like I've stripped all his complaints away & he's still not ready to look in the mirror & maybe he never will."
I don't know that I really like that statement. It kinda says.. I win. It makes me ponder what he really see's in you.
"He said people can't change & now there's no disputing that I am making changes. Maybe it just hasn't been long enough & he thinks it's fake?"
People can change. At the very least I am an example of that. Some time ago I would have been really hard on you.
"Now what?"
"I forgot open minded."
Sometimes.. the things we forget.. are the most important things.
They seem small and petty. But sometimes they are the key.
The people that rise above all "this" are the people that I watch.
You are almost there. But I think you need to really look at what he is saying.. and what is going on around you.
Some questions..
Why is the man that wants to leave... not gone yet?
What kind of person does he think you are?
What kind of person are you?
Do you really know how to "Love" him?
How much are you.. willing to give?
I want your thoughts on these questions. You cannot answer with what you have heard from him.
"Prince William & you?"
100 miles South.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Now could the C have said the same thing to you? Remember Communication is key.
I guess so, but there is not supposed to be any R talk...and me telling him something that I don't like, would be taken as a criticism no matter how I phrase it. I guess I don't understand what I should be communicating to him that I haven't already.
"We chat a bit & mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wkd that has offended him. He said no. Mc says how did that feel? H says I didn't really notice bc I've disconnected. Nothing has changed with regard to my feelings for her. Mc asked h to look me in the eye & say that. Looks at me & says my feelings just aren't there for you, sorry."
If I took a gun and held it to your head and said.. say "this". What would you do? Would you say what I wanted you to say? Imagine him in the same place.
I don't understand - he already said it before she asked him to turn & say it to me.
"Mc says how do you think she feels. H says I can't tell."
A little hint.. he could not tell how you felt long before you were sitting in that room with the MC.
I forgot to mention something here. First he said (trying to be funny) - she's probably cussing me out in her head. Then he said I can't tell. I think he was EXPECTING me to be angry, but when I kept my composure & wasn't AND I wasn't even looking sad, it threw him off.
H says she finally gets it - she's a strong person & no matter how things end up, we will all survive. I say survive implies just getting by. And I'm not okay with that."
This his clearly his view on things. How can you overcome that?
I don't know - any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Sometimes I feel like this whole thing is one big riddle & I'm not good at riddles! "We talk about other bs stuff. At the end I say I would like to ask you something. When you said you weren't feeling anything for me, do u want to? Are you trying to? H says to b honest, no. I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have."
I have long pondered why people do the things they do. It has shown me that people do things cause the "options" don't seem any better. What "options" do you offer?
I've tried to offer the option of staying married to me & me making changes. I don't know what else there could be??? Once again, any suggestions or examples?
"I feel like I've stripped all his complaints away & he's still not ready to look in the mirror & maybe he never will."
I don't know that I really like that statement. It kinda says.. I win. It makes me ponder what he really see's in you.
I was just happy that I achieved my goal...this does relate to THE VERY FIRST THING he said in MC back in Feb - H thinks I ALWAYS have to get my way.
"I forgot open minded."
Sometimes.. the things we forget.. are the most important things.
I agree
Why is the man that wants to leave... not gone yet? I don't know - sometimes I think it's only bc I asked him for 6 months to work on our R in MC & that timeframe will be up in Aug, sometimes I think it's bc he knows deep down that this is the wrong thing to do & there is alot at stake, sometimes I think he hasn't REALLY thought through the ramifications of a divorce
What kind of person does he think you are? He has said he knows I love him & would do anything for him...on the other hand, controlling, inflexible, probably selfish, condescending, cold
What kind of person are you? Loyal, honest, loving, compassionate & trying to change the inflexible, opinionated, selfish part - I think I'm doing a pretty good job now.
Do you really know how to "Love" him? I think it starts by acknowledging that my dreams were not "our dreams" - they were mine & I didn't bother to find out if they were "his" bc I made assumptions - any thoughts?
How much are you.. willing to give? I'm willing to sacrifice alot, I'm willing to give 100%
I also wanted to mention that when he said I am more assertive now, if I want to work late, I do. If I want to go out w/my friends, I do. BUT...when we are at home, he doesn't flex his muscles like he acts like he does in C. For instance, he said he wanted to go to a cookout w/his baseball team so he says "Do you care if I go?" I said nope - go ahead. He said - no I think you'll be mad. I said I won't be. Things like that - he doesn't act like mr. tough guy at home.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Now could the C have said the same thing to you? Remember Communication is key.
I guess so, but there is not supposed to be any R talk...and me telling him something that I don't like, would be taken as a criticism no matter how I phrase it. I guess I don't understand what I should be communicating to him that I haven't already.
No R talk ? Actually R talk is not bad, it is R talk that is started by you that is bad, if HE WANTS to talk about it, then you should listen and validate.
"We chat a bit & mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wkd that has offended him. He said no. Mc says how did that feel? H says I didn't really notice bc I've disconnected. Nothing has changed with regard to my feelings for her. Mc asked h to look me in the eye & say that. Looks at me & says my feelings just aren't there for you, sorry."
If I took a gun and held it to your head and said.. say "this". What would you do? Would you say what I wanted you to say? Imagine him in the same place.
I don't understand - he already said it before she asked him to turn & say it to me.
Hope, this is MAJOR pressure for him. To him, it feels like having a gun to his head to make a choice, and he is incapable of making the one that YOU want him to make right now. His confusion says to run, and that is what is driving him.
"Mc says how do you think she feels. H says I can't tell."
A little hint.. he could not tell how you felt long before you were sitting in that room with the MC.
I forgot to mention something here. First he said (trying to be funny) - she's probably cussing me out in her head. Then he said I can't tell. I think he was EXPECTING me to be angry, but when I kept my composure & wasn't AND I wasn't even looking sad, it threw him off.
H says she finally gets it - she's a strong person & no matter how things end up, we will all survive. I say survive implies just getting by. And I'm not okay with that."
This his clearly his view on things. How can you overcome that?
I don't know - any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Sometimes I feel like this whole thing is one big riddle & I'm not good at riddles!
Stop focusing on him, and do right by you.....stop wondering what he is thinking. If you really have the qualities listed below, they should shine through. Hence checking the list EVERYDAY to re-evaluate your actions.
"We talk about other bs stuff. At the end I say I would like to ask you something. When you said you weren't feeling anything for me, do u want to? Are you trying to? H says to b honest, no. I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have."
I have long pondered why people do the things they do. It has shown me that people do things cause the "options" don't seem any better. What "options" do you offer?
I've tried to offer the option of staying married to me & me making changes. I don't know what else there could be??? Once again, any suggestions or examples?
How appealing is that option for him ? Could you live with someone like you have admitted being ?
"I feel like I've stripped all his complaints away & he's still not ready to look in the mirror & maybe he never will."
I don't know that I really like that statement. It kinda says.. I win. It makes me ponder what he really see's in you.
I was just happy that I achieved my goal...this does relate to THE VERY FIRST THING he said in MC back in Feb - H thinks I ALWAYS have to get my way.
YOU feel that way.......Does he ?
"I forgot open minded."
Sometimes.. the things we forget.. are the most important things.
I agree
Why is the man that wants to leave... not gone yet? I don't know - sometimes I think it's only bc I asked him for 6 months to work on our R in MC & that timeframe will be up in Aug, sometimes I think it's bc he knows deep down that this is the wrong thing to do & there is alot at stake, sometimes I think he hasn't REALLY thought through the ramifications of a divorce
What kind of person does he think you are? He has said he knows I love him & would do anything for him...on the other hand, controlling, inflexible, probably selfish, condescending, cold
What kind of person are you? Loyal, honest, loving, compassionate & trying to change the inflexible, opinionated, selfish part - I think I'm doing a pretty good job now.
Those two are VERY confusing to me....Because those two descriptions are very hard to confuse. Which one ARE you and which one do you WANT to be ?
Do you really know how to "Love" him? I think it starts by acknowledging that my dreams were not "our dreams" - they were mine & I didn't bother to find out if they were "his" bc I made assumptions - any thoughts?
Uhmmmm, STOP assuming ? Assumptions are killers...
How much are you.. willing to give? I'm willing to sacrifice alot, I'm willing to give 100%
IMHO ? Not 100 %......YOU are too high a price to pay for this....
I also wanted to mention that when he said I am more assertive now, if I want to work late, I do. If I want to go out w/my friends, I do. BUT...when we are at home, he doesn't flex his muscles like he acts like he does in C. For instance, he said he wanted to go to a cookout w/his baseball team so he says "Do you care if I go?" I said nope - go ahead. He said - no I think you'll be mad. I said I won't be. Things like that - he doesn't act like mr. tough guy at home.
100 miles should put you pretty close to me Forrest.....
"He said people can't change & now there's no disputing that I am making changes. Maybe it just hasn't been long enough & he thinks it's fake?" People can change. At the very least I am an example of that. Some time ago I would have been really hard on you.
Forrest, Was it the unicorns?
Feeling a little froggy. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
No R talk ? Actually R talk is not bad, it is R talk that is started by you that is bad, if HE WANTS to talk about it, then you should listen and validate.
He doesn't talk about it. Only in MC.
How appealing is that option for him ? Could you live with someone like you have admitted being ?
I would think not the way I WAS acting, but now I am making changes. I guess the only option is for him to see the changes consistently for a longer period of time.
I was just happy that I achieved my goal...this does relate to THE VERY FIRST THING he said in MC back in Feb - H thinks I ALWAYS have to get my way.
YOU feel that way.......Does he ?
I'm sure he doesn't - once again don't know what he thinks, but he probably thinks I'm just making changes to try to get my way. He said in MC that I "played the part".
Those two are VERY confusing to me....Because those two descriptions are very hard to confuse. Which one ARE you and which one do you WANT to be ?
I know it seems confusing, but I believe I am/was both. I think I could be seen as inflexible, opinionated, selfish part , selfish in the sense that I made assumptions bc H didn't assert himself so I thought I was doing the best things for "us". Inflexible & opinionated in the sense that I can be aggressive & strong willed when it comes to something I believe in. But I am also a very tender person, a very loyal person - I am described as doing anything for my friends, always being there, etc.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
