It is kind of like having sex when/where you could be caught. It heightens the excitement.
I believe that both of you got so bogged down in everyday burdens of "life" that it took all the fun out of things between you. It all becomes about work, kids, material things, and little time for intimacy. If the only time you have for each other is after the kids are in bed and both of you are exhausted from the activities that day.....chances are that not many "new" activities are going to be added to the menu that night. Things get stale and dull and that is why a lot of spouse opt to walk away. They was excitement in their lives. Only you know if that describes your case or not, but something sure seem to turn her on when she saw you. Just the thought that you were "suppose" to be hands-off since the two of your were separated might have been exciting for her. It just works like that for some people. Whatever they consider to be "taboo", excites them.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok, so I got pretty wound up after the dinner and secret date last week. Now nothing. She's back to nearly no contact, and was quite standoff-ish when I picked up the kids.
It's clear to me that us spending time alone together is the magic that builds on the connection between us. I don't want to pursue, but there just aren't really any opportunities for us to be alone. The baseball games are ok, we're sort of alone, but it doesn't have the intensity we had sitting in that bar just the two of us. Should I eventually ask her out? Should I wait for her to ask me? I'd rather do the latter, as then she's the pursuer, but I don't know if she will. How long should I wait? She did the asking last time though, sort of, so is it my turn? What kind of time frame should I be shooting for? Wait another week or two? I feel kind of pathetic asking all this. If she was just a normal woman I was interested in, I'd know what to do, but as Sandi very LOUDLY pointed out, she is NOT a normal woman. I think time is my friend. I should just bide my time and wait for an opportunity, like I did last time. I have to accept that NOTHING is going to happen fast.
Unfortunately, I think she has plans to meet up with OM at some point soon. I don't really know the details, and I don't want to snoop. Like others have said here, I think I should just treat her like a single woman, see if she wants to spend time with me, and ignore OM.
I have to admit, practically every baby step I've worked toward has been successful.
I wanted her to respect me again. Check. I wanted her to be attracted to me again. Check. I wanted her to start flirting with me. Check. I wanted her to ask me out. Check. I wanted to go out just the two of us and validate that the connection is still there. Check. I wanted to increase physical contact between us. Check. We're always touching each other in non-sexual ways now.
I have a big step in mind that is a real long shot. She's going to take the kids to visit her brother's family at the end of July. We've gone down there many times before, and we always have a great time. I'd love to be invited to go along. Man, that's a long shot. I'll keep doing what I'm doing, and we'll see. That would be a very bold move on her part. I'm not getting my hopes up.
Yeah...it can be a let down when it is a quiet week and nothing to look forward to. That is the reason why patience is so important but SO difficult when you are in the think of it all!! What makes you think she is going to hook up with OM soon?
You are better off than me with your baby steps/goals. So far I have only achieved one, which was the H finally expressed emotion/sadness to me...he was just so cold and distant in the very beginning. So, good for you. I would not ignore or discount the importance of this. It is great! You have time to work on your next goal...don't give it up even if you think it is a long shot. And also, you never know what might happen tomorrow. It is the way it goes. I know you didn't expect her to invite you to the bar that night... I would give it time before you ask her out. Be a little more mysterious if you can first. She may be more likely to say yes when the time is right. Anyway, sounds like you are just venting here, and by the time you finish your post you are more sure of what to do. That is what this board is for so I would trust your own instincts and you will project your confindence at the same time. Now...lemme try to follow my own advice!!!!!!
I thought she said something weird about the fourth of July weekend, like she was trying to make sure I had the kids or something. She's been very evasive discussing the whole week leading up to the fourth of July, so I can only assume she's planning on meeting OM somewhere, or worse, that OM is coming here. I really can't afford to obsess about it. It'll drive me crazy. I've detached quite a bit, but I have more to go.
She is definitely planning on travelling to see OM in late August. When we discussed our schedules for the summer, and I told her I was going to take the kids to visit my parents in late August, she immediately made plans to go see OM over that week. Makes me ambivalent about going anywhere, but I won't be a hostage to this whole situation. I'm going to live my life, regardless of whatever she and OM are doing. However, if she continues to see OM, I might have to go darker, harden up the boundaries, and move on for my own sanity.
I've seen this happen a lot. The WAS tests the waters for whatever reason. It may happen often before any possibility of reconciliation. I think the best thing to do is to not contact her (except for business or children) and let her be the one to initiate. You could try inviting her out for coffee or something in a couple of weeks time, but be prepared for rejection. These quiet times is when GAL pays out. You get to still have fun while waiting.
One of the things that my H responded to was that I would not be his friend if we D'ed. He was so shocked that he would lose me completely, except as a co-parent. This was in a conversation brought up by him, so don't go and blab it out, if at all. But, a lot of LBS's wonder this, especially if there is still a good friendship going on, like yours. I decided I could not be his friend, if he left his family and D'ed me. I couldn't be a friend to someone who did that to anyone. This started him thinking. But, of course, we all have to make our own choices based on their own reality, and your children are younger than ours was. Still, this is something to think about --- she might be hoping to have you as a dear friend she can count on and OM as a BF.
Anyway, some thoughts thrown your way.
This is such a difficult time. This is the only reason, really, that I stay on this board --- to TRY and help those through this particular part of the journey (and stay in touch with those who journeyed with me).
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Today my W had a job interview for her first full time job since before we had kids. This morning when she picked up the kids, she was nervous, but I didn't offer any comfort. I just stuck to the business of getting the kids ready. I was torn as to how much to fuss over her as though we were still together. So she left with the kids and I went to work. About 15 minutes before I knew she was going to have the interview, I simply texted her "Be yourself, he'll be impressed." After her interview she texted me back "Thanks! Busy for lunch?" She then called and excitely told me the interview went really well and asked if I was already eating lunch. I was, so I declined her offer, but offered sincere congratulations.
Tonight I went to our son's baseball game. I actually kept my distance from my W and didn't talk or flirt too much. I wore my running stuff and chose to do laps around the fields in between innings or when the game was boring. I did have a little fun with my W and asked her to time me, which she did and seemed to have fun with it, but she was generally kind of crabby.
Anyway, as usual, she asked if I'd like to have dinner with them after the game. I said okay and we went someplace to eat. Now for the bombshell. She said she was hoping to get a pretty decent salary with this job, and that she wanted to take the kids on vacation for a week before she started. I tentatively said okay. Then my son said "What about Daddy going to Disneyworld with us?" My W got a little flustered, but then admitted that she discussed with the kids the possibility of going to Disneyworld and asking if I'd like to go along. She was very clear that we'd get two rooms, one for the girls, and one for the boys.
This is getting too much. What is going on with OM???? My W tells me nothing, so I assume she's still involved with him. How can she really ask me to go on vacation with that going on? Is she really this much of a cake eater? Just because he's thousands of miles away, she's happy to have me along? I can't tolerate this much cake eating.
On top of it all, since we were having such a nice time at dinner, my poor son yet again voiced his hopes that we'd get back together. My W plainly and confidently stated, "S, Daddy and I are never going to get back together, but you can see we get along very well." Then she looked at me with a stressed face and said with defeat "I need another beer."
I think it may be time for my W and I to have a serious talk about our situation. What do you all think?
Yeah I think antlers is right. I think you are doing a great job on your GAL and it is yeilding some results. She is not right in the head and having a serious talk about your situation is persuing and it will not help right now. If you think she is cake eating and you have had enough, don't allow it. Don't go on the trip. (But I would want to if I were you...because of the kids). But you shouldn't act when you are spinning over something she said under pressure. She was confronted by your S and she said something that she knew would get him to stop. "don't believe anything they say"... Continue to be better than the OM in every way. Be YOU. And you are the one who is there...I see that as an advantage over OM. He is just clouding her judgement towards you, and if you are willing to wait it out and see what happens, it may just fizzle out with him. That is what usually happens, so I have read here on these boards. Hang in there... Anything happen today?
Hi future, I would want to go to disneyworld too! Is she sure that shes going to actually get this job? Im not sure that I would take a vacation before I started, but Ive had some pretty bad job starting experiences lately, until that first paycheck comes, Im not convinced that I actually have the job!
Im torn about this. If she is still involved with the OM then this could be cake eating. I wouldnt want to go on the vacation with her if thats the case, but wouldnt it be nice to be part of this memory for the kids? Phew. Its a tough one. When do you have to make a decision? Did you have your serious talk? Im not sure that it would help anything right now either. She isnt thinking clearly, so you have to question how productive a talk would be.
Anyway, good luck!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
She'll probably get the job. You are all correct though, she is just not right in the head. Once again, she is trying to use the kids to have her cake and eat it too. She knows I'd love to go to Disneyworld with the kids, and she knows it's just not fun to go with only the kids, for her or me. OM is so far away, plus she knows she can't introduce OM to the kids without absolutely destroying her and my fragile R, and cranking up our estrangement to a level she probably doesn't want to deal with. OM is her private and personal little fantasy land.
No way can I go to Disneyworld with her if OM is still in the picture, and I know he is. In fact, I think I have to start enforcing more boundaries in general. I hate that my son has his young emotions invested in the state of our broken M. She can't just divide herself into two halves and give me one, and OM the other. It's not right!
I won't try to have a serious talk, as I agree with you all, she's in no state to have such a talk. I'll just decline the Disneyworld offer. Sad thing is, I'd LOVE to go :-(
