[quote=StrgMarvelousWmn While this may be true for just a WAS, I wonder how true it is for a WAS in an A. they think they have found true love and nothing, not even history and their kids, is going to stop them from being happy. [/quote]
I don't know about this, SMW. Hell, like I know anything, right!? But to your question, my thought is - a floatation device is a floatation device. It could be moving out, it could OP, it could be alchohol...I don't know. Just guessing, I guess.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I will not argue that DH may be struggling at times--he does not see his OW as much as I am sure he would like, he is comfortable at home but still left, and his kids ask him every day if he is going to stay here. Last night at dinner, as he does every night, S3 asked DH if he was staying the night. DH told him no and D9 chimed in with "Daddy does not have his work clothes here." From that, D6 wanted to know why he could not go get them and come back. DH just gets quiet and does not answer them.
Unfortunately, no one from either family can figure out why DH even went looking elsewhere, much less would walk out on his family.
I do have some compassion for DH--I cannot imagine how miserable he must have felt on the inside--never letting on to anyone--that he is willing to lose his kids forever over it. But I also know that I am not to blame for his inadequacies in facing and dealing with problems, rather than running away from them.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Now SMW ~~~ I hope you trust me well enough to KNOW that I in no way suggest that the LBS has responsibility for the WAS's decisions/choices. Please, I hope no one thinks that.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
No, I do not think that you do. I do know, though, that many WAS blame the LBS and I am just reasserting that I am a good person and do not deserve this.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
It doesn't do any good to argue facts with WAS. They've made up their mind despite the negativity.
Articles such as the one referred to earlier spell it out. (I had even once sent that one to WAW.)
or this:
"Happiness Levels After Divorce Decrease And May Never Completely Rebound"
"...A person's happiness level drops as she or he approaches divorce and gradually rebounds over time. But the level of satisfaction does not return to baseline (the level of satisfaction felt prior to the divorce.)..."
Emotionally it's hard. Financially it's hard. My WAW has seen plenty of family and friends go through awful divorces. But still they walk.
Personally I'm just not sure it does any good to try to figure out what's in their head. Wasted effort. Maybe they will come around - maybe they won't. Keep your mind on your own game.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm certain that I - as a WAS - KNEW with every fiber of my being that I would not be happy divorced. I could barely even picture it - even as I walked out of the door. The WAS knows only that in the M - as it is - she/he is sad, lonely, frustrated, and being drowned. So...they reach for a lifesaver - and move out. ...I know I...gave the impression...that it was what I wanted, I would make it, I didn't want to be M to him [but] I'll bet that pound for pound, most WAS are as scared, sad, angry and heartbroken as the LBS.
Well let me see if I can help flesh Greek's insight out a bit, with the Paul Harvey "rest of the story." (Or half of the rest of the story -- our e-mail convo became a face-to-face convo late last night, but these posts are already so long as to nearly be indigestible, so let's work this one first, okay?)
Last night I gave you the first couple rounds of the Great Email Convo of 2009. It continued as follows, heavily edited for space and point-making (but, I assure you, not "spun" or misrepresented) [N.B.: what I think would be productive is if we engage with the totality of the convo and it's "mood," if you will, and not cherry-pick and take issue with specific things from WAW's POV that I think we will agree we disagree with]:
Mrs. SP: I agree that it will be horrible for them initially. I know you've read a lot but a lot of the people I have spoken to whose parents were divorced do not feel that way....DHRGF's parents were divorced and, yes, she got a divorce and so did Long-Time Girlfriend, whose parents were also divorced. But they are happy people with full lives. Even Writer-Actress Friend, who did NOT want the divorce, says her kids are doing fine...I'm not trying to sugar coat it, but I don't think we know what is going to happen over the next year, let alone 25 years down the road. I wouldn't have objected to my parents divorcing if it made either ONE of them EVER told me that they loved me or made me feel like they did. We all live with repercussions from our childhood; I live with feeling unlovable. And our kids hear and feel love from both of us every single day.
SP: Our two points are not mutually exclusive; the fact that one is adjusted and happy - given the adjustment - doesn't mean one isn't in some way haunted by the legacy, that it doesn't inform one's life in a myriad of unknowable ways. For example, how happy and full would Long-Time Girlfriend's life be had there been family stability? ... And I'm sorry you feel yourself to be unlovable. I've always found you to be quite the opposite.
Mrs. SP:And you are the only one, which is why my decision is so difficult because I know I will be alone.
SP: I hope not -- for my sake as well as yours.
Mrs. SP: I'm not sure why it is for your sake. One of the things I had to decide was whether I would be o.k. if I never had another great love in my life. I think I will, but that doesn't mean it won't be difficult.
SP: Look at it from my POV: if it should prove true that you were to remain alone, think what a burden to carry that would be for a person who cares for you the way I do, knowing that it was I who set you on that path.
Mrs. SP: I am social. I'll socialize -- I won't be completely alone. But the last thing I want is for you (or anyone else) to feel sorry for me. I am resolved. It is what it is. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.
SP: There's a difference between me feeling sorry for you and me acknowledging that -- whether you accept it or not, whether you're "really" alone or not, whether you drift from one man to another or become a nun or not -- I took you there. You had a home, and through my neglect of your needs and feelings I've chased you out of it. That's not "what it is." That's what it was MADE to be -- and that's a different animal altogether. I admire your sense of resolution, and I'm not going to challenge your reasoning or your commitment. You're divorcing me. I know that. But insofar as alone-ness goes, I'll simply say this: you won't have to be either kind of alone, given time, honesty, openness, and perhaps just a dash of luck.
----- And that was the end of the e-mail convo, with SmileyBob MojoPants giving just a wee bit of a push there at the end, but when WAW came back to the soon-to-be-former-familial manse, it continued, face-to-face and remained positive and good.
But I will post on that later, because I need to blast off and get a haircut before Big Business Trip to Capitol City.
(And if anybody's in Capitol City, LMK if you want to hang out and commiserate over a brewdog (as opposed to an O'Dog) or two.)
One extra thought on @Coach above and @AlexEN on what "mojo" does or doesn't do.
It does and functions however you need it to function. The common, jokey -- and way I use it -- "Austin Powers" definition of mojo is close to attitude or style or something affected like that. That's part of it, right?
But a "real" mojo -- that is, a traditional HooDoo mojo (sorry to wax satanic, my Christian friends) is an actual good luck charm (a Mojo Hand is a little suede bag [the gris-gris]) that is "specially" concocted for a specific need. So there's a Love Mojo, a Reconciliation Mojo, a Gambling Mojo, a Get-a-Job Mojo, etc. etc. So when Muddy Waters had his "mojo workin'," he had a physical Mojo Hand that was bringing him good luck.
So for us, the way I've been using the term, your Mojo is the charm -- physical or mental (i.e., the Spiers Doctrine, the Stockdale Paradox, the heavy bag) -- that you use to get yourself focused, to do that Work to which Coach was referring.
It's NOT -- though many of you have (mis)interpreted it this way -- copping an attitude or whistling past the graveyard or pretending not to hurt. It's the Thing you have / use / say / believe / whatever that helps you get through the day. It's the Quotes Found on Divorcebusting thread. It's your Theme Song (I have a couple for different moods).
Mrs. SP: I agree that it will be horrible for them initially. I know you've read a lot but a lot of the people I have spoken to whose parents were divorced do not feel that way....DHRGF's parents were divorced and, yes, she got a divorce and so did Long-Time Girlfriend, whose parents were also divorced. But they are happy people with full lives. Even Writer-Actress Friend, who did NOT want the divorce, says her kids are doing fine...I'm not trying to sugar coat it, but I don't think we know what is going to happen over the next year, let alone 25 years down the road. I wouldn't have objected to my parents divorcing if it made either ONE of them EVER told me that they loved me or made me feel like they did. We all live with repercussions from our childhood; I live with feeling unlovable. And our kids hear and feel love from both of us every single day.
SP: Our two points are not mutually exclusive; the fact that one is adjusted and happy - given the adjustment - doesn't mean one isn't in some way haunted by the legacy, that it doesn't inform one's life in a myriad of unknowable ways. For example, how happy and full would Long-Time Girlfriend's life be had there been family stability? ... And I'm sorry you feel yourself to be unlovable. I've always found you to be quite the opposite.
Cluebird1 to SierraPapa "look for the doors to her heart, I say again look for the doors to her heart." "I live with feeling unlovable." If your closest friend were to say that would you let the conversation go on any further without getting to the bottom of that? "I live with feeling unlovable." Your beloved, the woman you have vowed to love, honor and cherish. The woman you have been married to for years and years tells you she feels unlovable and that's all you got? "I live with feeling unlovable." Why do you feel that way? Tell me more......... I understand how I might have contributed to that.......... How can I help you with that?.......
Listen to the woman and reach out to her.
You are ignoring the first lines of the song. (cue Muddy Waters): Got my mojo working but it just won't work on you Got my mojo working but it just won't work on you I want to love you so bad I don't know what to do
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was just about to post something similar to Coach....
SP in your last post, you quoted WAW as saying: "I wouldn't have objected to my parents divorcing if it made either ONE of them EVER told me that they loved me or made me feel like they did. We all live with repercussions from our childhood; I live with feeling unlovable."
This is some truly deep insight into your WAW. Her parents NEVER told her that they loved her? No wonder she is messed up. How horrible is that? Also no wonder she did not want kids. She was afraid to, because she had no parenting example.
SP - I hope you take a good deep look at this clue she has given you. Not that it can solve anything, but it is definitely a direct link into her deepest feelings and fears.
And I do actually agree with her. Having divorced parents who love you and make sure you are taken care of and made to feel loved, is much better than having married parents who never make you feel loved and more specifically, make you feel UNloved.
