True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[happynow]

Silver Fox,

Just checking in on you. I hope you are doing well.

I'm not sure about these changes either!

[Silver Fox]

Well, I still don't care for these upgrades. Too many words - everyone's posts in full view - I get distracted and try to read them all. And what's the difference between "Active Posts" and "Active Topics"? But I will adjust. Heck, I adjusted to my H running off with another woman

[WCW]

Hey Silver, maybe it's someething in your settings. There was hardly any changes at all on my confuser after the upgrade.

[Silver Fox]

Your "confuser"?

[WCW]

confuser = computer

[Silver Fox]

Ok, well I played around with the settings but nothing much changed. I did find that you can hide your smiley face if you don't want anyone to know you're on

[Silver Fox]

But now to more pressing matters. I finally sent H my list of terms. I stayed very business like and to the point. We were supposed to meet last week but I was just too busy with end of school stuff.

Thanks for letting me get the school year over with. Now I’ll cut to the chase. You know I don’t want to live here anymore and you know the reasons why. Therefore, your first option - “I take the house. I either let it roll into bankruptcy/foreclosure or somehow find a way to make the payments, fix it, and sell it myself.” - will be best for me.

I have already been looking at houses but it’s going to take time and money to purchase a place that’s suitable for me, as well as the dogs. Ideally I would like to move while I have this time off.

Since your retirement fund is the only money available, here is what I need:

1. $xx,xxx to wife (for a down payment, closing costs, moving expenses and to begin paying off the joint debt
2. $x,xxx to husband (for the summer)
3. $xxx monthly alimony (to help with joint debt and pet expenses)

I would agree to hold off on a start date for alimony until you secure a job. Also, you need to look into what the tax penalty is for withdrawing early retirement.

Remember that mediation is scheduled for this Wednesday at 9:30 but if we can work out an agreement I, like you, would rather not go through that again. I will gladly call my lawyer to cancel it but I need to do so by Monday afternoon. Then you can send the terms your lawyer and he can write a formal draft for us to review.

This email is a complete 180 for me. I refuse to say anything more like "I'm sorry it's come to this" or "I still can't believe this is happening" as I did so much of in the past.

It's been over 24 hours and I still haven't heard from him.

[Silver Fox]

Here's his reply. He also called first - early - so I was barely awake enough to respond. Mostly I just let him vent and oh, there was this one gem - "I was a good husband for 20 years and this is what you do?"

(OW's) grandfather died yesterday so I didn't see this email until a few moments ago. I checked Saturday night but I didn't see it then. Sorry for being so slow to get back to you. Anyway, first things first, based on this offer we need to delay the mediation. Will you please call your attorney?

I don't know what to say about what you have asked for. I obviously need to talk with my attorney. I'm sure you know that it seems significantly worse (from my perspective) than the previous offer. I don't think I would even be allowed to give you all my retirement. It's a 20% penalty for withdrawal and then it's taxed as regular income.

In terms of the house, I would be willing to try--it will take me getting a heck of a job--but it is also going to be very, very hard to refinance the house in my name. At best it wouldn't be possible for some time to come. If I can't refinance it, letting it go into foreclosure would effect you just like it would me. And I can't fix it on my own without resources. So, I'm not sure how your plan for the house would work though I'm willing to listen if you know more than I do.

So what happens to the rest of the joint debt in conjunction with the alimony? You are taking it all and using the alimony to pay it off? Or I am still taking 1/2 the joint debt, all the debt in my name, the negative equity in the house, and every cent of my retirement? Is that your offer?

I'm going to leave it there for now. I am just processing the extent of what you are asking. Am I to take it you no longer have any desire to "work together" in the short term? I have been holding my breath hoping we could find a way for me to work on the house together and use the labor for both our benefits. I guess that's not going to happen. I have a lot to think about and plan for.

I called and canceled mediation. Haven't heard any thing else from H.

So I make a stand - ask for what I want. He's sees it as punishment and I'm "going to leave him pennyless". I guess I should leave him alone for now? Let him cool off?

[No Longer BH]

Hey SF,

First, I want to thank you for reading my post. It has been a long journey, one I never would have subscribed to but it has had its many benefits. Even tonight my son said that he is thankful for the divorce because it has taught him so much and allowed him to love me even further, deeper. I am blessed.

As someone who has been through h#ll and back, I want to offer a different perspective. It seems that you keep delaying the D in hopes that H will come back. You seem to think that if you just wait long enough, he will see that Catbitch is not right for him. You are so terrified of him moving 200 miles away that you are trying to stall any progress with the D. This is just my take from what I have read. I hope I am not offending you by saying this.

There is so much fear with a D. Trust me I know. Anytime my Ex sent me and email concerning his desire to get it over with, my heart sank, my stomache went into knots. That is until one day I realized that I was already living the life of a D person. He wasnt there, there was no support from him, I truly had been on my own for awhile. I then saw that all of my stalling tatics was just keeping him and maggot together. Sure, there had been many times and post that stated that I was over him, that I was finally dropping the rope. The truth was that as long as I was fighting him on the D, I wasnt letting go.

Now dont think that I am saying you should roll over. Absolutely not. You should be putting your BUSINESS hat on and negotiating for the best and the most fair settlement possible, but you should be trying to move forward in this area. He is gone for now, lost to the fog. You are not going to get him to wake up by delaying anything. Maybe the best thing for him to do is to go and move in with Catbitch. That is when things started to fall apart for my H and his maggot. Right now they are still living the fantasy and you keep giving them something to unite on.....hating you. If you remove yourself from this equation, then they WILL crash and burn.

But you truly do have to remove yourself completely. It has to be honest and not manipulative. You need to go completely dark with him. Dont let him at the house anymore....learn to take care of it yourself. If you dont want to take care of the fish, make him move them out. It is not your problem. DOnt email him anything....that is what L are for. Stop engaging.....NC = Nice and Calm. It also gives YOU the space to finally heal and to no longer be affraid of a D. After all, at this point it is just another piece of paper.

You want a R that is loving and supportive and kind and you probably hope it is with your H. Your H is not capable of this right now and never may be. Once you truly let go of expecting anything from him, you will be able to move on and find someone who is. It may turn out to be him, but ss long as you hang on he will stay stuck in the place he is at and will not grow or change. I say this with such compassion because I too was once where you are.....please let him go fully. Do not engage. It will be hard, but well worth it. You do not have children together so there is absolutely no reason to talk to him again right now. If he leaves OW, then and only then can you try to reconnect with him.

I hope this did not sound too harsh. It was not my intent. I am just wanting you to have the best possible outcome and to find true happiness for yourself. I wish you luck and peace.

[pearlharbr]

(((Silver)))

Just catching up with you...

I think it's great that you are fighting for your due. You have every right to make that list of your terms, do not let him guilt you on that. He's just trying to get you to give him what he wants, same old story.

I agree with brokenhearted, let the lawyers handle it. Now is not the time for communication with him. Start looking for a new place - it's so much fun planning a bright new future!