Boy, I am so glad that there are so many people who can empathize (though I am certainly NOT glad that that there are so many of us feeling this way!).
I KNOW my H feels remorse at times, I have seen him very upset, but then he goes on with his merry own life (or so it seems). I do see him running, runnning, running to not have to face his feelings/realities. He spends money like we have it and is out A LOT. He seems to have a very active social life when he has never had one before (though who really knows - he could be sitting somewhere alone). He watches movies until all hours at night - can't sleep well (wonder why?).
I SOOOOOOO wish I could get in his face and tell him how unfair it is that he can have his crisis and dump all over us and treat me so very badly when I have been his best friend for getting close to 20 years now! I want to tell him he is acting like a spoiled, petulant, selfish TEENAGER! I pray that God finds him again and he "snaps out of it" but who knows.
I miss the days when I thought a MLC was just about buying a sports car . . .
I have moments like that every day... just knowing we were once soooo close to each other, but he couldn't tell me what was going on in his head, that he would just stop being affectionate and loving in the middle of a pregnancy - and then tell me he didn't feel the same way about me before the pregnancy, and before we bought our house...
I see some hope in our relationship, where we're actually talking to each other more than we had been (especially with me not contacting him), where we still talk about our future plans and so on... And I think he's encouraged by the fact that I'm so enthusiastic about GAL.
Still no affection, but I have this newfound respect for myself too... I only want it from him if he wants to give it - I'm not going to beg him for anything anymore.
My little brother died almost a year ago, and that was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to go through. This I can live with.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I do something similar, but I will look at (sorry to sound rude) fat, nasty couples at the pool & think - even people like that can find someone to love them. WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH ME????????? WHY WASN'T I GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE?
LOL!!!! I have both! I see boring miserable women nagging and moaning and I think, "Oh, ok, she's lovable but I'm not!!! WTF?"
Boy, I am so glad that there are so many people who can empathize (though I am certainly NOT glad that that there are so many of us feeling this way!).
I KNOW my H feels remorse at times, I have seen him very upset, but then he goes on with his merry own life (or so it seems). I do see him running, runnning, running to not have to face his feelings/realities. He spends money like we have it and is out A LOT. He seems to have a very active social life when he has never had one before (though who really knows - he could be sitting somewhere alone). He watches movies until all hours at night - can't sleep well (wonder why?).
I SOOOOOOO wish I could get in his face and tell him how unfair it is that he can have his crisis and dump all over us and treat me so very badly when I have been his best friend for getting close to 20 years now! I want to tell him he is acting like a spoiled, petulant, selfish TEENAGER! I pray that God finds him again and he "snaps out of it" but who knows.
I miss the days when I thought a MLC was just about buying a sports car . . .
My H is also having a LOT of trouble sleeping... I am giving him exactly what he wants - the space and freedom while we work this through or decide whether it's over. And he never seems all that happy. He goes out all the time too, but mostly with the same guy (who went through a breakup with a longtime gf, has a DD a little older than ours). I'm sure he's really conflicted about things, since whether or not our family stays together is all up to him. And he's basing it all on "feelings".
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Yeah, I heard the everything based on feelings. I thought love was a decision, not a feeling. If they think love is a "feeling," they don't know what love is.
I guess in their messed up minds it is easier to think of it as a feeling because an action or a decision would mean they actually would have to take responsibility.
I've tried to tell him that... that if he wanted to get the feeling back, he just needed to decide to be loving.
When I've told him that, I wasn't telling him that in the most selfless way possible though.
On the same track, I haven't been "feeling" happy for a long time either. But for me, I needed to decide to actually be happy, and to do things for myself - I was turning into a typical martyr wife where everything I did was for my H and DD and I was miserable because nobody did the same for me. How can anyone be happy being married to someone like that and feel loving towards them?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Many times the only way a spouse can consider divorce is by laying all the blame on the other partner, in this case, you. Yet what is forgotten is that each individual is responsible for their own happiness, the person they see in the mirror. That goes for you, too.
A marriage is made up of equal partners. Each of you is responsible for 50% of the issues. Growth starts when you take 100% responsibility for your share of the problems. That is where change comes in.
DB coaches have positive ways of addressing issues. Take away the negatives that your spouse carps about. I started creating safe havens of tranquility one room at time for my spouse.. cleaning them up, removing clutter, making them peaceful. The clutter and mess in the house always bugged him. The more you remove what he gripes about the more he is forced to look at the true issues.
It's also said that the way to reach your spouse is through their complaints. Take care of those and things may ease up. At the very least, he knows he's being heard.
When my spouse said he was leaving, to 'live his own life, the life he always wanted' all my resentments ripped away. What had been big deals in the past, vanished. He commented on it. My reply was that I'd gotten a kick in the butt and a huge wake up call.
Divorce Remedy has a lot of good direction on what to do, Care and Feeding of a Husband is highly recommended, too as well as the Love Dare.
Enjoy the 'you' who is emerging. Stop giving him prime real estate in your mind.. trying to figure him out only saps your energy and takes away from positive growth on your part. And learn to listen to your inner voice within.
*hugs*
PS.. I just saw your post. "Co-Dependent No More" was a great book showing how you can unwittingly become a martyr. It was one of the best books I read through all this.
Gypsy - I like your idea of de-cluttering. I have been trying to make the home a calm, clean place to be also but have been slipping. Can't keep up with everything (because he is taking basically no responsibility at home for anything anymore) but it is one of my goals. He also has always liked a clean home (and used to HELP with it). One of these days . . . little by little.
I was doing Love Dare when he dropped the bomb - I was about 2/3 way through. At first I was so upset I had "wasted" the time but I now know that the timing was perfect - God knew I needed to put the time into "showing" the love to my husband so I knew I still had it/could feel it. That is one of the reasons I am sticking this out.
Nicole: I keep wondering - were we just the envy of all because we got along so well? Did we just get along so well bc H always kept feelings inside? It always just SEEMED like we agreed on everything & were great friends? While meanwhile his resentment was eating him alive! Meanwhile it doesn't help that he has erased all good memories from his mind. If this was the case, not only am I being put thru all this, but I WAS ROBBED OF MY REALITY! Will I ever trust again? Will I ever be able to know what is true & what is not? Did H take that capability from me?
When you say you look around you at pretty girls & think your H will be w/them next...I do something similar, but I will look at (sorry to sound rude) fat, nasty couples at the pool & think - even people like that can find someone to love them. WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH ME????????? WHY WASN'T I GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE?
Tomorrow will be better...
I think that they envied us and/or looked up to us because we SEEMED so stable. Which is ironic in every way now. I have heard so many times from our shocked family and friends..."wow, he really had it all..." And he did. I am sure that there is no way anyone who comes out of their fog could look at this situation logically and say that they made the right decision. I think so much of the pain cames from being out of control. We do not want this to be our lives...we want our family in tact. We can't control another person. It makes me realize more than ever how serious marriage really is. You are entrusting your sanity as well as your heart and everything else you hold prescious and dear to another person of whom you have NO CONTROL. So, unless you did something to warrant this treatment...which would be easier for me if I REALLY thought that I did or if H said I did (he is not blaming me for anything which confuses me more)...it is extremely damaging to the psyche.
As for the fat, ugly person comment....I too have thought this many times. Ugly being in behavior mostly...but yes, I wonder what more I will have to do to keep a man. This must all be human nature, these thoughts! It is hard to handle as there is never a good answer! Unbelieveable!!!!!
I also would not wish this on my worst enemy...but I am SOOOOOO glad you guys are here!
