I hate my H

[Done in VA]

Just wanted to know if anyone else feels this way. I feel like I am swinging on a pendulum on a day to day basis. Today I hate him. I hate the man he is today.

Does H love me? He doesn’t seem to. Is he affectionate? No. Does he desire intimacy? No. Is he accepting of my faults? No. Is he aware of his own shortcomings? No. Does he communicate his wants, needs, feelings (both good and bad)? No. What am I fighting for?

Sometimes I feel like I am just holding onto a memory. A memory that's slowly fading away. Why?

Why should I, a good person, yes I have faults, but nonetheless, a good hearted person, have to put up with this heartache? WHY ME?!!! Why am I being put thru this? What lesson am I possibly learning in all of this? To have my family ripped apart & have to start over at square one financially??? Why did I marry someone who turned out to be a frickin pyschopath?

I just look at my H & think - why can't you just let go of whatever issues you have with me, wipe the slate clean & I'll do the same for you and let's move forward???? I also look at him and think I'd like to punch him right in the face...just once to make him feel a SHRED OF THE PAIN IN ME - that I live with day in & day out. And to top it all off - I get to walk around and PRETEND THAT I DON'T HATE HIM - I HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

Then there are other days, I am completely positive & upbeat. Nobody's going to steal my joy. Then I get in this mode. Or sad & depressed. I've always been such a grounded person.

And let me just tell you this, I am 34 years old. Young enough that starting over in life wouldn't be too terrible. People have always told me I should be a model. In fact, people were always shocked that my H got me! I own a successful business, have lots of close friends, make new friends easily, I'm a good mom, good cook, decent housekeeper. I could go out & find someone else, but I want my family together. I, unlike H, have values, I made a vow, a promise that I intended to keep.

H & I were the couple that this wasn't supposed to happen to. We had always been BEST FRIENDS. We were the couple in our group of friends from college that people were envious of! Even now, when I tell our mutual friends what is going on they are in SHOCK. These are people who know both of us very well. They will tell me - I always saw him look at you with such love in his eyes.

Thanks for letting me rant - I really needed that. Sorry to be a downer today!

[givingitmyall]

Hopeful, I feel EXACTLY the same, right down to the we were the couple no one thought this would happen to.

I would never (and never have) cross the line of physical violence towards W, but I can understand how it could happen. Certainly never would condone it.

I was in a "hate" mood last night and this morning. For the same reasons you mention - I made a vow to God to love this woman no matter what, I have a conscience, and I do not want my family ripped apart. Part of the frustration is that W gets to choose whether or not to tear apart our family. She's actually convinced herself the kids will be alright because we are "going to be great friends." Maybe..one day. Not any time soon.

I may one day be able to forgive W for what I think she will do, but I do not know that I will ever be able to forgive THE WAY she will do it - I know I did not tell you I was unhappy, I know I did not tell you I was in counseling for myself for 6 months before I dropped the bomb, and will not even discuss reconciliation, much less counseling (even though W admits she does not understand all the reasons for her feelings). All of this screams for counseling, but she is as confident and sure of her decision as I have ever seen.

[traveldane]

Me too!

Hopefull VA I am also at this moment welling up with tears of anger and hurt at the man my H is today. Like you, my relationship and then M was the one that people around us looked to, not becacuse it was perfect but because we were best friends and had a great love that people admired. Our friends constantly tell me how shocked they are, that he had always adored me, respected me, valued me beyond meausure.

We had a really tough last year together with some really bad life events (terrible lost pregnancy, etc.) but I still can't believe that he has turned into to this stranger...self indulgent, entitled, self pitying, focued on himself, and only himself. Unwilling to repair our marriage, only interested in bailing out "to find what I need to make me happy".

I am trying so hard to go about my own life, to really become "as if", to understand where he is coming from and validate when appropriate. But on days like this, when I am tired, so tired of feeling abandoned, cast aside, shut out...when I miss my best friend, miss that we used to be on the same team, I just don't understand and I think its the meanest thing in the world, what he is doing.

And yet, when I am able to keep a PMA, move along with what's best for me, I think to myself, I can do this. I can take care of me and its really up to him to sort himself out. Then, and only then, could we ever really get to a place were rebuilding would even be possible.

Its just so hard sometimes. I struggle with the idea..is this who he really is now and will always be? Is the person I loved and felt so good with gone forever? Being heart broken is so demoralizing. I start to think that I am detaching, but on days like this I wonder if I am even capable of really doing this...I don't feel like I am making any progress.

Sorry, would like to be encouraging to you but all I can offer right now is my empathy...I am right there with you.

[trustingfaith]

I feel the exact same as the three of you - today is one of those days I am hating my H and what he is putting us through with his crazy MLC and trying to figure out how this happened. There was not much wrong with our marriage before all this crap started - it was good. Maybe not great but not much to complain about.

Still, I also know I made vows before God and I intend to keep them and will NOT lift a finger to undo them myself. For whatever reason God has allowed this in my life I have to trust that He has great plans for my future, whatever that may be.

I also have days where I feel great, confident, etc. but then there are the bad days. And today is one of those.

We will get through it! One day at a time.

[givingitmyall]

I like to think we (LBS's) were chosen for that role precisely because we are the stronger ones in the M. Unofortunately, we are going to bear the lions share of the grief.

I almost chukle (or grumble) when I recall my W telling me it hurt her to know how much she was hurting me. Sorry, but whatever I did could not possibly have warranted the pain I am receiving. I am not hoping this pain on W, but maybe their share of this comes when they finally realize what they are searching for, they already had. I fear that in my case it will be too late when W realizes that, if she ever does.

AND, W has shown nothing but happiness or anger (mostly happiness) since dropping the bomb.

We are all in this together, so let's help each other.

[kara]

They do say that they hate that they are hurting you. Sigh. Imagine that this bad movie is playing in so many homes. Is there a script that they are reading?

As my grandma used to say, What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

[givingitmyall]

Funny thing is that DB'ing has the affect of letting them free from that pain because they do not see you hurting. Still a fan though.

[trustingfaith]

That's what I wonder about the DB-ing. In some ways he seems a bit maybe relieved that I am no longer falling apart? But yes I have heard the so sorry for hurting you thing, too. And I never knew I could be this strong. But it sure isn't fun.

[traveldane]

yes-strong, commited, fantastic spouses, let's hang in there together!

[givingitmyall]

Right there with you. I told my brother the other day the only thing I can imagine that could be more painful than what we are all going through is, God forbid, something happened to one of my kids.