WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

She came to pick up the kids this morning. We were out playing in the driveway (baseketball and baseball). My wife was looking at the flower beds and started making comments about how the weeds were getting out of hand and they really needed work. I just said that the boys and I had dug them out a few weeks ago, but they are really coming out with a vengence. Then she made some more comments about them. Not sure if she was looking to pick a fight, or what, but I didn't take the bait. I just said that it takes time. She then said that I only have them half the time. I just dropped it at that point and shifted the conversation to something that the kids were doing.

Since it was so early, the grass was covered with dew so her sandles and pants legs got soaked. When we all came in, the kids showed her the cake that we had made. She suggested we could all eat it together this morning before they left, so we each had a piece.

After the boys were done eating, she and I chatted in the kitchen. I asked her about child support (we have a hearing scheduled on June 23rd and she was suppose to ask her lawyer to draw something up so we wouldn't have to go down). She said that she was frustrated with her lawyer as he hasn't returned her call. I told her I talked to a lawyer friend (didn't say I retained him) that said what we could do as well as the number that was worked out.

She then said that she didn't trust me and had felt like I had taken advantage of her during the years we were married. She wants to talk to her lawyer as she definitely doesn't trust me now.

I told her that's it's disappointing to hear her say that as I know that I will always take care of the boys and treat them fairly. She said that she trust me with respect to the boys but its everything else relative to us. She says that we seem to be getting along really well now, but doesn't trust that if in a couple of months I get a girlfriend, it can all change.

I just looked at her with a smirk and just said "Couple of months?"

She just went on and said how in the past there were things that made her not trust me and she felt that I didn't trust her with my controlling nature and all my questions. I just said I'm not going to point by point on the past, as that is the past. I did trust you and it's unforunate that you didn't feel that way.

She said that she still feels that I don't understand her call from last Sunday (crying and saying that she just can't trust me ever again and just doesn't want to be my wife anymore). I told her I understoond what she said. It didn't change how I felt nor what I believed, just as what I say doesn't change what she believes nor what she feels.

I told her that regardless, I do thank her for waking me out of my funk as I've been doing more things and enjoying life more than I have in years. It's unfortunate that it took something like this to wake me up. I know that the boys and I will be happy. If that means that there will be a new Mrs CIPA in the future, so be it. It's not what I want as I still believe if we work on us that it will work, but she is chosing not to.

She said that we tried during counseling all last year (with the guy that I fired). I said that we weren't both working on it as last year I didn't understand the problem, so we would both work on it. Then post bomb, when we went to counseling, I didn't feel that we were both working on it then. She mumbled something where she agreed with that.

She then said something about how I told her that if she didn't let go that she would never find love or happiness again. She said that she's been hurt so long that it's just not going to go away like that. She said its not like she sits around thinking about it all the time.

I told her that I working with a therapist has really helped me with my hurt and resentment. Hopefully that's something that she would find time to do for herself.

Then I slipped up even worse.

I told her that I still do believe if we both try as that is what I want. It's not because of just the kids, but it's because of how I feel. The door is unlocked right now, but if she chooses to lock it, then that's her decision. I've moving on knowing that I've done everything that I can do. She started to cry at that point. We were standing really close facing each other and I wound up putting my hands on her sides. She put her arms around my neck like she used to and we hugged very tightly.

She smelled really good and it's been 7 weeks since we had hugged.

We didn't talk anymore of the relationship or that type of stuff after that.

We chit chatted about some other stuff and then she started saying she was hungry. I said perhaps she should get going as it was getting late (she was at the house for a couple of hours - usually it's only 15-20 minutes). She said that she was starving. I asked her if she didn't have plans for breakfast, perhaps we could all go to breakfast. She said that would be fine.

We went to breakfast together and we just chatted some more. When we walked to the resturant, I did touch her back gently. As we were waiting to be seated, she leaned in a few times to say something and would press herself lightly against me. We had a good breakfast and really seeemed to get along well. I told her that I was really busy next week, but asked her if she would like to get together for lunch the following week. She said that we should be able to. As we walked out, she said her hips were bothering her. As she was in front of me as we walked out, I touched her hips lightly and just jokingly asked her what she was doing that made her hips hurt. I didn't think she liked what I was joking about, as she said that she had told me how she had tried to go jogging at the park, but the gravel and hills made it really tough.

On the way home, she complained about her elbow so I rubbed it lightly for her. We were still just joking and chatting lightly.

Just as we were getting home, my 7 year old said something, in a joking manner about women. My wife then joked, who said that. Did you get that from daddy? My 7 year old said yes. I was pissed as I had never said anything like that. I turned to say something to my 7 year old as she jokingly tapped the back of my head. Unfortunately, as I was turning, she slapped my face instead. She said opps, she was sorry. I told her that I was OK, but told my 7 year old that was not funny as what he said was not appropriate.

She tried to joke that I looked guilty. I told her that I was mad that my 7 year old would even joke about something like that as it was completely unappropriate. It was very awkward as we got back home.

I got out of her truck and she went to get into the driver seat.

I leaned in and gave my boys hugs and kisses goodbye and that I will see them on Weds.

Her window was open and I wound up leaning in through it, she leaned out back and we hugged goodbye through the window.

It really seems to happen when the two of us do have a good interaction, our kids does something that distracts or turns it negatives. I'm not made at our kids, but just annoyed at the entire situation.

The kids part of it is normal, unfortunately, our relationship is so bad that it causes problems. Not the kids fault. It's ours.

I'm working on my end of it. She given up on hers.

Really crappy.

I know many people have said that I need to stop the touching stuff. So I know the 2x4's will come flying.

It's just that when she was standing in front of me crying, I was thinking if she was just a friend crying in front of me, what would I do. I would hug her.

This is so crazy.....

[confusedinpa]

This trust thing is really bugging me. She said she stopped trusting me a while ago. What the heck do I do about this trust thing?

I want to call her and talk about it but what the heck is there to talk about?

This just gets more and more complicated...

[aliveandkicking]

Might she be projecting a little?

I think Coach could help with your sitch...

[confusedinpa]

Might she be projecting a little?

Projecting what?

[confusedinpa]

This is really crappy. Its a beutiful day out and most of the people I see on Sun are out enjoying it. I can't get a hold of anyone and I'm really feeling crappy after this mornings interaction.

I so want my family back

I gotta find something to get my mind off the fact that she has the boys for the next 3 days

[aliveandkicking]

Can you go for a hike? Not sure what your landscape is but that sure helps me here in CA.

[aliveandkicking]

Might she be projecting a little?

Projecting what?

On the trust issue.

[antlers]

This trust thing is really bugging me. She said she stopped trusting me a while ago. What the heck do I do about this trust thing?

I want to call her and talk about it but what the heck is there to talk about?

This just gets more and more complicated...

Man, this thing ain't even close to being over. Give her some time and space to work on her own issues...like the trust thing. You can't rush it, and you can't say something that'll make it better for her. She has to work through this stuff herself. Just be there if she asks you to be...otherwise, give her time and space. If you do interact, just be validating, strong, personable and caring...without surrender!

[confusedinpa]

Might she be projecting a little?

Projecting what?

On the trust issue.

Remember, as a DAM, I still don't follow

[confusedinpa]

Can you go for a hike? Not sure what your landscape is but that sure helps me here in CA.

I wound up going for a drive in my IROC convertible. It was a beautiful day. I talked to by aunt while I was driving (handsfree). It made me feel a little better. My aunt told me the same as many hear are. Accept the fact that she's not compnf back to get on with my life. She didn't say give up, but not to sit on the sidelines and idle. She also said don't go looking for someone new but live life for now and accept whatever life brings me

I also ran into my neighbor showing his 2010 Camaro at at local car show.

Now I'm back home at least I've backed away from the edge with a little more clarity.

I still don't understand the projection of trust so u could use some help there

Thanks