I look to the future and hope that this will be a blessing in disguise and I can tell from reading MANY posts that that is how alot of these sitch's turn out.
I'm hoping the very same thing. I'm optimistic it will work out that way.
Well, my W left me a voice mail this evening inviting me to go have ice cream with her and kids, but I was running when the message came in, so by the time I saw it, it was already too late. I didn't respond. Let her wonder where I was tonight!
So I picked up my kids tonight, and my daughter sadly says "Daddy, we left you a message inviting you to come out for ice cream, but you didn't come." Who else here thinks it's BS for my W to be telling the kids she's inviting me before she even knows if I got the invite? She is a master at making me look like the bad guy, when I didn't even want any of this!!!
Well, that is possible. It is also possible that the kids wanted you to come. Happens to me sometimes. It actually doesn't make you look like the bad guy IMO. You have a life and it is ok for them to know that too.
Yeah, I suppose I could be overreacting. The problem is, my W and I have really poor boundaries around this kind of thing. That has led to much of the time we spend together, but it also can lead to things like this. I'm trying to maintain my PMA, but when my kids express regret about my not being with them, that's when I buckle. :-(
I'm so torn about this whole boundaries thing. If I insist on strict boundaries, then I'm forcing my W to fully live with the consequences of her actions, but I also lose out on quality time with my kids. I wouldn't wish this choice on anyone!
Does she wonder "What's up with this guy? Doesn't he have any self respect? Why doesn't he hate me? He should hate me. Anyone with self respect would hate me." What am I saying about myself that I am continuing to extend myself to her, and offer her my company, my humor, my conversation, my desire?
It all goes back to our human nature. It is naturally more "fun" with the teasing, etc., when not married. For one thing, when we are in a MR, then we know that we can always go to bed and it is all legal....LOL. Some people say that takes all the fun out of a R. I don't know, but I do think that being single and the dating/flirting stuff appeals to a lot of women. I think your W is probably one of those women who likes what does not come so easily. One reason she is enticed with the OM from the past is that she knows it should be "hands-off" and she wonders what "could have been", etc. When both of you were in the bar flirting, etc., it was fun and she found you attractive. She probably knew that nothing would be done about it right then (like having sex) and even if it was, she would still have the "unmarried" feelings tied to it. May not make much sense to men in how women think along these lines....and it's even hard for me to explain.
Being attracted to each other is a good sign that this stitch can be turned around. Taking it slowly is the right way to go. As far as her wondering about your self-respect, she isn't really thinking in terms like that.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As far as her wondering about your self-respect, she isn't really thinking in terms like that.
That's what my gut has been telling me and that's sure what it feels like. So she is perceiving me as kind of a new single prospect?
We have not in many many years had such a just plain fun, close, and carefree conversation as we did that night at the bar. What was shocking to me was how it showed by contrast how deadlocked we had gotten in our M. Our conversations in our M had gotten so practical, discussing various issues about our life, house, kids, etc. I could feel a subtle bad vibe in our interactions back then, like we were just so bored, so frustrated, so defeated. That feeling was gone the other night. It felt much more like back when we were dating, and we were just enjoying each other's company.
Yeah, I suppose I could be overreacting. The problem is, my W and I have really poor boundaries around this kind of thing. That has led to much of the time we spend together, but it also can lead to things like this. I'm trying to maintain my PMA, but when my kids express regret about my not being with them, that's when I buckle. :-(
I'm so torn about this whole boundaries thing. If I insist on strict boundaries, then I'm forcing my W to fully live with the consequences of her actions, but I also lose out on quality time with my kids. I wouldn't wish this choice on anyone!
I definately relate...I HATE splitting my kids. It is like torture. I absolutely hate not being able to have access to them when they are with him. Pure torture.
[quote=sandi2 It all goes back to our human nature. It is naturally more "fun" with the teasing, etc., when not married. For one thing, when we are in a MR, then we know that we can always go to bed and it is all legal....LOL. Some people say that takes all the fun out of a R. I don't know, but I do think that being single and the dating/flirting stuff appeals to a lot of women. I think your W is probably one of those women who likes what does not come so easily. One reason she is enticed with the OM from the past is that she knows it should be "hands-off" and she wonders what "could have been", etc. When both of you were in the bar flirting, etc., it was fun and she found you attractive. She probably knew that nothing would be done about it right then (like having sex) and even if it was, she would still have the "unmarried" feelings tied to it. May not make much sense to men in how women think along these lines....and it's even hard for me to explain.
Being attracted to each other is a good sign that this stitch can be turned around. Taking it slowly is the right way to go. As far as her wondering about your self-respect, she isn't really thinking in terms like that.
Talk to you later, Sandi
[/quote]
Sandi2- Do you think this is true of a any WAW/MLCer, or women in general? I ask this because I have always felt the opposite. Of course I would flirt if I went out and I liked that attention, but the thought of another man actually touching me or persuing anything more...made my stomach turn and still does. Even when my H didn't treat me well. I just always felt that the legal part and the fact that he would always be there in bed WAS the enticing part!!! Silly me, I sorta feel dumb for that now. Sorry for the mini-hijack!!!
I just always felt that the legal part and the fact that he would always be there in bed WAS the enticing part!!! Silly me, I sorta feel dumb for that now.
Don't feel dumb for that. That'a a good thing. The trick is to find ways to keep that fire burning even when settled into "knowing" they'll always be there. I failed in that regard. I was going to say 'we' failed, but I have to face the truth. My W did try, I can remember her trying, and I just didn't embrace my part in it. I was too stressed, too tired, and there were too many other issues between us (money, house, chores, etc). I left her feeling like she was fighting that battle alone. By the time I realized what I needed to do, she was already checking out. That regret is the primary source of my ongoing pain now. She was trying, and I left her feeling abandoned.
That's why, DBing be dam*ed, I'm going to show her I can fan the flames too. Just don't know if she'll let me. She's got OM to do that now :-(
She does at least seem to still notice the little spark we still have :-) Sandi thinks that might be enough, given enough time.
