you bring up a good point PH about the long term to short term availability.
My wife and I would always talk in advance about where we wanted to go and then she would jump on the computer and make it happen. Funny thing is that I thought she always enjoyed it kind of like shopping (just for hotels and events) Guess I am going to have to ask her, for my own curiosity and my next relationship. maybe she though I was a procastanator too....hmmmm?
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Been away on vacation for a week, just now catching up with you!
Sounds like you guys are doing great! You seem to be communicating well, agreeing on things, all good. About the planning, I was gonna say that maybe you can plan the "long term" weekends and then leave some weekends open for him to just do spontaneous stuff. Even if you are a planner, I am sure you like to just go and "wing" it every once in a while. It gets you to do things you normally wouldn't do. You need spontaneous in a R/M. I wouldn't call it "plan to have no plans". That's still planning! Leave a weekend just completely open. Plan to do nothing if that satisfies the planner in you, but don't tell BF that. I guess what I am trying to say is: I don't think you want to overwhelm him with plans, even if it is "to have no set plans". Make sense?
Hope you had a good vacation. I'm on my way over to your thread when I'm done here.
I totally see what you're getting at about the planning. And actually I felt like I was overplanning when looking at the calendar for the rest of the summer. I think it got a little out of hand - all I really wanted was one date night a week and somehow that morphed into the weekend. Will talk with BF and get it back to just one date night a week and see what happens with the weekends. Most likely I'll end up planning something every weekend for now because there's just so much going on in the summer.
It was a pretty busy week, the first with a full schedule. We have activities planned Mon-Thur, weather permitting. Interesting evening Wed. There's a guy on the kickball team who is interested in me. He's the one from a couple weeks ago when I mentioned that I saw an opportunity to date someone else. He ended up sitting with me at the bar after the game while BF went to the other side of the bar to play pool with other guys. I know I should have just stood up and walked over to BF, but he was drunk and not caring at all that another man was keeping me company.
It does bother me that BF doesn't have even the slightest twinge of jealousy. In my mind it signals that he is either so confident that I am completely trustworthy or that he doesn't care enough to be jealous. I'm not looking for him to be possessive or not trust me, but isn't everyone just a little jealous when a new person of the opposite sex enters your partner's life? And BF does not know that the guy from last week is the same guy who tried to kiss me a while back (I did tell him about the incident, I just didn't give specifics). I hinted at it yesterday, telling him there was a guy hitting on me while I was waiting for him at the ballpark. Told him that he shouldn't leave me alone for long periods of time because other men do tend to swoop in. It was said with a smile and jokingly but I hope he understands that I do like to know that he cares enough to protect me from unwanted advances. If it continues to happen and bother me then I'll bring it up in a serious conversation.
Other than that we spent the whole weekend together doing mostly fun things but a couple chores were thrown in. BF is out of town on business for the next few days so I'll have some time to myself again.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
What I was saying with the planning is that you can plan some outings that require advance reservations and stuff. Just leave room for the "spur of the moment" things that he likes to take on. Let him "lead" during those times. That was also a thing you mentioned before that bothered you, that you were leading him through everything, so here's your chance to give him his turn.
About the other guy: if BF didn't know that this was the guy that was hitting on you before, maybe he didn't see him as an immediate threat, especially with him there in the same place. He also may have been observing from a distance?
I get that Sam. Honest. Even if it didn't sound like it. That's the way it used to be. Sometimes I make plans if I find something I want to do and other times we just wing it. He really doesn't like to plan so it's not like I'm not giving him the opportunity, he simply prefers for me to do it and just go along.
Re: other guy, no, I'm sure BF didn't see him as a threat. My point is that he should see every man who is flirting with me as a potential threat. Just enough to want to check him out. For example, when BF gets a new female coworker/employee and starts talking about her I always have a twinge of jealousy until I meet her and get a vibe for her myself. I've been this way the entire time we've been together, not just since OW. Rationally I know it's nothing (well, I used to) but my gut just wanted to make sure for myself. That's the level of jealousy I'm looking for in him but I guess it's just not the way he's wired.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I understand your description of the jealousy thing. I can understand why you would be feeling some jealousy if he was talking about a coworker a lot. Not knowing the person can lead you to imagine that other person to be better looking and more attractive than they really are. Meeting them in person and seeing how they interact should tell you how they really think about each other. I was supervising an intern a few years ago and I was just telling about my day to W in the evenings and I think I may have been talking about her a little too much to the point that my W really got worried. In combination with her own insecurity, it might have triggered (or at least contributed to) the current crisis in my case. This intern now works at my office and got married recently and is still a very good friends and lives just down the street. And W is fine with her now that she's met her lots of times, because she watches the boys every once in a while. All this to say that I think it's normal for you to feel that way about his coworkers.
So, was this other guy really obviously flirting with you in front of BF? Does he know him?
Oh yeah, this other guy was not being subtle at all. BF had never met him before and I've only met him a couple times myself. So in my mind BF should have stuck by my side and been more concerned about flirting guy's intentions than getting drunk. Makes me feel like I'm not as important as a night of cheap beer.
Tonight was kickball, BF is out of town but flirting guy (FG) was there. I think I did a good job of being friendly but not overly friendly with FG. It helped that my girlfriend who is the mutual friend through whom I met FG was there so I mostly hung out with her. But FG was still flirting with me. Or maybe I have an overactive imagination and now think every man who smiles and chats with me is hitting on me. I can't believe I'm actually having this issue. If you'd told me last year I'd be struggling to stay away from another man's attention I would have said you were totally off your rocker.
Had a little issue with BF tonight. We were talking and he mentioned going on another business trip the week after next. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about him travelling with women who I'd never met and his response was he didn't know what to say (in a very flip tone). I got a little angry and said the least he could do was say nothing would happen and if he couldn't do that we are moving backwards.
Argh, this is just so frustrating! I know I can't ask him not to go on business trips, I'm just looking for some reassurance. I've told him that I need a lot of that right now. And yet he sounds like he's tired of it already. It's only been two months! This is what I was afraid of, it's too comfortable and he's expecting everything to be back to normal but it's only normal on the surface. Then I get angry wondering where he gets off being pissy with me when it's his actions that got us here. Grr.
Maybe I'm more upset because I talked to a friend today who I haven't talked to since BF and I got back together. She's the one I leaned on the most when it was all going down and she definitely does not approve of me taking BF back. She says she supports me no matter what but it's obvious that she does not agree. It was a little difficult explaining my decisions to her when all she can say is how can you trust him, why do you want to be with him, etc. I wasn't surprised by her responses, it's just emotionally draining.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Had a little issue with BF tonight. We were talking and he mentioned going on another business trip the week after next. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about him travelling with women who I'd never met and his response was he didn't know what to say (in a very flip tone). I got a little angry and said the least he could do was say nothing would happen and if he couldn't do that we are moving backwards.
Argh, this is just so frustrating! I know I can't ask him not to go on business trips, I'm just looking for some reassurance. I've told him that I need a lot of that right now. And yet he sounds like he's tired of it already. It's only been two months! This is what I was afraid of, it's too comfortable and he's expecting everything to be back to normal but it's only normal on the surface. Then I get angry wondering where he gets off being pissy with me when it's his actions that got us here. Grr.
Pearl,
Why do you assume that your BF has this perfect bag of tools to help him deal with this new start with you? Perhaps HE is struggling as well to know what to say to you, how to act, etc.?
Maybe it's just me, but I keep getting a sense of "I can never win with you" when I read your posts about your interactions with him. And it sounds like he didn't handle it well, I'm not saying that he did. But you admit yourself that your stance (that he can't take business trips) is unreasonable, so why is YOUR unreasonableness, HIS problem?
Not trying to be a dikk, Pearl -- you know I luv ya -- but this is how it's coming across to me, as a guy.
