Hi Sun- ( you may of left the boards, but just in case, just my 2 cents) Just passing thru. Not been on the boards for a while, our "generation" of LB for lack of a better word lol have somewhat moved on and usually just check back here every once in a while. ( Keeping in touch now thru FB)
I joined the boards prob. gosh, 6 -1/2 yrs ago, 6 months after my ex up and left out of the blue the day before his 43rd b.day
I have read your posts and the fact I too have one S and he was your S age when my ex left so I somewhat relate. Unlike your ex mine dragged his feet on the D, (coincidently yesterday was 3 yrs since our D was final!) He had an OW, but didnt move in w/ her till later and is not w/ her now
Reading your posts makes my eyes tear as its so new and raw for you, and unlike me, yours was so quick, that alone must be a shock to you, let alone them leaving but but yours making this new life so quick, and I am so sorry for your pain. (( Sun ))
Let me tell you this tho, I cant tell you what your ex will be like in the future-but mine and so many of our WA here are like yours in they were amazing men at one time, great fathers, thats what makes this even harder! If they were not such stand up men, this prob wouldnt be so alarming nor would it prob be as painful , who knows! but mine too, very helpful around the house, manager of S's baseball/soccer teams, volunteered at school and church w/ us brought me home flowers at least once a month, just a wonderful H and father. He changed, so drastically, he almost morphed and looked different
Ok so 7 yrs next month, he left, now-just now, 7 yrs later he is just showing some semblance of the man he was.
We now can talk and laugh and joke, we go to dinner every so often when S is home from college- he hit rock bottom a couple of months ago, losing his job( fired actually), a very good job, so he lost a lot, company car, company CC, a 6 digit income ( and I lost my alimony!)and it was something he did very very wrong- maybe part of the rock bottom
he broke up w/ OW last year, said he didnt love her either-(will admit, i smiled over that one, sorry but i'm human )
He has told me recently he is so sorry for the years he has lost w/ our S- and how he wants the closeness back w/ him- he now is going to T (finally!) and even visiting a preacher and .... praying!( when he left he told me he was agnostic,...whatever) says he prays for me and wants me to be able to keep my home. He is much more humble now- not the cocky , arrogant man who stood in the living room 7 yrs ago telling me, he wasnt happy and marriage was not his thing ( after 18 yrs of marriage!)
hes not perfect mind you! Still flakes at calling S when he says but much much better- he has always been financially supportive of him, but as we know , our kids need more, even our older adult children
He has taken trips w/ him this past year. So I see the man I loved so many years ago- he has not said he is sorry for the pain he has caused me, but sorry for the stupid way he went about things. He may eventually
Now, I did not sit around for him,a few years ago I started dating, as I couldnt sit here anymore wondering,hoping- its a personal choice of course, and I didnt go out to meet anyone, just get on w/ my life- as " if he was never coming back" I am engaged to a wonderful, terrific man who treats me with respect and love and I hope he feels the same ( think he does :))
People ask, would you of thought about trying again w/ ex if fiance wasnt in your life? and I say NO, no because of the fear it could happen again, and too much water under the bridge, I never thought I'd say that, after how hard I tried and standing for years- but I think I like the love I have w/ F now much more
So just a thought, I was like you, analyzing every little word and action from ex, and crying more tears then I thought a human could- was it a wasted time in my life? no, I needed to do it, and needed to feel that way to really appreciate what I have now my wonderful partner and a amazing son who respects me, You really do appreciate the high of a new life when you have been in our situation
Just continue being a great mother to your S,let him see how strong you are, and how you can take that upper road whenever possible ( its the one thing my S, now 24 says, how he is amazed how well I treat his father now, when even he dosnt think he deserves it)not always easy I must say lol
please , please try to just move ahead as best you can - you can do it, if I can, anyone can! , let ex alone, he actually dosnt deserve you right now-and, you never know whats around the corner
Good Luck and hugs to you
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Sun, I think you are discovering what so many of us have...the wonderful H you had is gone, for now if not for good. At least for us--they might be wonderful with OW, but if they aren't their wonderful selves with us, what does it matter if they are with someone else? We won't see the benefit regardless of whether the dramatically-changed personality is across the board or just with us.
We all want to be the one who gets the miracle, whose sitch is the exception to the statistics. Maybe we will be...we're all still alive, right? The fat lady hasn't sung yet. But we have to do our best given the sitch as it stands wherever we are right now.
These spouses just become such different people from the ones they were before...my H loved riding bicycles. His college graduation gift from his parents was a lovely racing bicycle (which is still his main bike), and he even got me interested in riding, to the point that we completed a century (100 miles in one day) together a year before the bomb, which was a major accomplishment for both of us (although he'd done one on his own before that). It was one of the things we really enjoyed doing together on a regular basis, although he went alone sometimes, because I slowed him down a bit. I even started riding without him last year when he went into full flaky MLC mode and didn't want to spend any time with me at all and was traveling to see OW all the time. Well, it's June, and we have great weather for biking, and his bike is still here. He claimed when he moved out in November that he didn't have room in his apartment for his bike, and maybe he'd come and get it when spring came and keep it in his car. Well, I think that's bogus. I still don't know where he lives, but I can't believe his apartment is so small there isn't room for his bike. I think what's really going on is that he is eating poorly and not exercising and is too distracted by the whole MLC fog and OW to think about biking. OW weighs twice what I do, easy, so there's absolutely no way she would be able to keep up with him on a bike, if she even has one (I worked for years to get to that point with him, and finally managed just before the aliens took his brain, and could still do it), and despite the major fitness program he went on in 2005, he backslid within a year (granted, I think that was partly due to the death of his mother that same year _INSERT BIG RED MLC FLAG HERE_), and I haven't seen him losing any weight in the last couple of years. I don't think OW is nearly as into healthy eating and fitness as I am--that would be a challenge for anyone, anyway. But...biking was always a big factor in his life. And now, apparently, suddenly...it's not.
Well, that got a bit long-winded (sorry!), but I think you get the point. They change. Dramatically. And they stay changed for a long time, if not forever. And there's not much we can do about it. It doesn't mean you have to give up on them, or on the possibility of restoration of your marriage--I'm not!--but you have to at least accept that they aren't who they were, and they may not be anything like that again for years. And accepting is a necessary prelude to taking the best course of action to deal with it.
Take care of yourself, and your S. Look for what you can do on your own to make your life better, and yourself a better person.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
These spouses just become such different people from the ones they were before...my H loved riding bicycles
My H too. He became Lance Armstrong for a few years. Then stopped cold turkey. He finally took his bike with him a few months ago but I know he's not riding it.
And Sunshine, I think you said your H lived for fishing? Mine too. Has he fished since becoming involved with the OW? Nope.
I don't know why they change. Soon as I figure it out I'll write a book and make millions!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
well I know I sound like a broken record but do these WAS have the same traits as MLC, because mine is soooo acting like so many that are in MLC.
BH I called him because, *and this might not be a good excuse to you*, I was trying to take the advice of some here and try to treat him as I would a friend. Also, I didn't want to put son in the middle and I didnt have the boards with me at the time. Sooo instead of explaining to son and having him give the message, I just done it myself. I havent called xh but a couple times in the last 2 or so months and its always something important. I am probably trying to be "nice" "friendly" too sonn arent I. Let me have it.
Cornhole boards is a game you play with bean bags and boards (built at a slant). Basically a bean bag toss game. The object is to get the bean bag in the hole in the middle, or closest to the hole. You keep points of course. Very addictive!
I cant saying I am leaving for awhile.lol I cant help it I love to talk...wish you all were close by.
Renee, there isn't anything wrong with talking on the boards. I still come here because I learn a lot about relationships. As far as how you deal with your XH, well you are going to do what you want to, so there is no need to jump on you over it.
BH I do listen to you. You may not think I do, but I do. Dont you remember in the beginning how much I called him, drove by, looked at her myspace and all sorts of things? I dont do any of those anymore. I know I should stop calling him altogether BUT answer this...If I NEVER call, not even 2 or 3 months and he NEVER calls me, how do I treat him as a friend? Isnt it important to touch base. I dont talk about r or gf, I just tell or ask him what I need to do. I have been doing things for myself. I fixed the handle on my toilet.lol I am fixing the sink faucet in my kitchen and finishing a back porch soon. Snodderly you here? Need your input too.
I want to ask a question. I was reading some stories and something occured to me. To anyone that wants to answer. We all know how much I have tried to figure out if my xh is WAS or MLC (which I have decided doesnt really matter anyway), and BH and others think he is a WAS and they may be right. BUT I probably should add something to my story. I didnt begin my story here on the boards until my xh and I seperated. I did NOT tell the prior year or so details and I may be leaving important parts out THAT MATTER! NO I am not wanting someone to tell me he is MLC. I just realized I didnt write about what happened before he moved out. I didnt realized alot of people here talk about their h's being confused...stay or go...then eventually they seperate. Well my xh, for a year or so, every time we would argue he would say he wasnt happy and hadnt been in years, he would say that he didnt know if he loved me enough to stay. He would threaten to contact a lawyer several times. The last time, before he left, he did this. He went to bed and I stayed up because the way we left things. I worke up the next morning and said he still felt he wanted a divorce. About 2 hours later, he came into the room I was in and said, "what are you doing?" "Do you want to go eat lunch with me." I just looked at him like "what"??????? Ah, you just said you wanted a divorce and have said so since last night. He said, "well I think we can work it out". I said do you love me and he said, "yes, I PROBABLY love you enough to try."... I could not believe he said PROBABLY. When I called his attention to it, he said I DO love you enough to try. I think he was confused at this point. I just tried to go on and forget about it. He would say things like, "dont worry, I will never leave you", "I could not imagine living without you and son." Then the next time we argued weeks later, he decided he wanted out and divorced and wasnt going to change his mine.
And I also believe that when we, the LBS, go through the pleading, questioning, crying and begging phase in the beginning, they will say whatever needs to be said to avoid even more conflict. Thus they speak what they're feeling at the moment (true or not), but when we have a breakdown because of it, or question them too much about it...they'll say what they think we want to hear just to get the 'crisis' over for that small amount of time. Eventually they will go back to what they're feeling ( right or wrong) and we're right back from the starting point.
That's why it's best if we don't question them or try to talk them out of what they're feeling/saying. For them, they feel they are being honest for the first time in their lives. And when we don't/can't believe them or validate they might have these feelings, they move even farther away from us.
The MC we went to for a short amount of time said that my xh was 'dog-paddling', not knowing which side of the river to swim towards. So I do believe they can be confused in the beginning, and when we push them, we almost always push them to make the decision to swim away because they just want the pain/confusion/anger to stop. Most try to avoid conflict at any cost.
It really doesnt matter if they're WAS or MLC....they are people that are at a spot in their lives that they are very unhappy and feel that we/marriage are the cause of it. Doesn't mean we're solely responsible for their feelings/actions....so don't let yourself believe you are. You have your share in the problems...but you are not responsible for his actions and decisions, only your own. So make sure you can live with the consequences of how you live your OWN life from this day forward.
Forgive yourself, forgive him...and remember you can't go back in time, you can't change anyone but yourself, and each day is a new opportunity to grow and shine your own light!
These things I say, I learned from my own experiences. I made all the mistakes most of the LBS here have made. I finally realized that I needed to go on with my life and let him have what he wanted...a divorce and the single life. The divorce was almost 3 years ago. I'm still struggling some days..I still miss the person I thought I knew..I still pray for him ..I still have dreams about him. But I've found I can function regardless of these things. I know that only God knows the outcome out of this terrible destruction of a family and a relationship that spanned more than 30 years. I can live with that.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Renee, I have absolutely no input and/or advice to offer you at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Renee, you asked me to stop by your thread. I read your first post when you came on board. If I did post to you as you thought.......I wonder if I was not very nice? The reason I say that is b/c I have zero tolerance for a man who even hints at being like your H, and frankly......I find it very hard to understand why a wife would put up with him.
The point I am making is that I believe it is critical that a LBW has tons of self-respect, high self-esteem,.....and gallons of old-fashion spunk! I'm not saying you do or don't b/c all I read was a post of two from the beginning. However, why do I get this feeling that you have allowed your XH to talk anyway he wants and gets by with it? Why do I feel that you run to him, chase him, and would roll over and do tricks if you thought you'd get him back? I am not trying to see how mad I can make you toward me.....even if it sounds as if I am. I am hoping to get a response from you that will tell me how wrong I am. Although, if I make you good and mad at "him"....that will be worth it!
You see, it only took your short post on my thread to make me think that he was a bully, but when I read your original post on the board, that confirmed it. I am sure he went through a difficult time in the job changes, etc. However, just by the way you said he treated you and talked to you......I couldn't believe you would continue to take that cr@p! You deserve better than that.....don't you think? He sounds like the worst, most arrogant man in the world.....but I'm sure he is just a number amoung many MLC/WAS.
So, tell me why are you still itimate with him? Why do you allow him to treat you like dirt and brag about how many other women he has slept with--and then YOU have sex with this man? Aren't you afraid of getting some disease? There is cake eating.....and then--there is CAKE EATING!!!
I don't know if you have always "spoiled" him or if that was his natural "personality" but he needs to change it or you need help in dropping the rope and moving on with your life. Don't let anybody do you as low down as he has, sweetie! Why or how did you get to this place of such low self-esteem? Have you been this way the entire time you were M to him or did it start later? It really bothers me (as you can tell) for a man to rough-shod over a woman and her lay down and take it......and ask for more....like you have. Have you ever received any type of counseling? If not, I hope you will seriously consider it.
I know that I am being very blunt and you did ask me to come by, but I am just blown away by what little I have read. Tell me what you have done to feel better about "Renee" since the D. What do you do to GAL? I know that you are still too focused on him and you'll continue to be until you drop the rope.
Dropping the rope would be the best thing that ever happened to him.....and for sure....YOU. Again, I am not trying to be sarcastic, but hoping you will understand that you will never draw him back by allowing him to walk all over you and disrespect you like he has. What has the longest period of time been that you have not made some type of contact with him? What do you feel you could do in order to stay busy and keep from contacting him first and just see if he would contact you?
If I am as wrong as sin, I will gladly apologize and I hope you will say that I am b/c that will mean you have some "fight" in you and won't let another person treat you like I think he is doing. It is hard to understand how anybody could continue to love another person who thinks so little of them.
I did see where you seemed concerned (too much) if he would be called a WAS or in MLC. The two are very similar, but for sure he is a WAS! Right? So, what if he is in MLC? Would that make a difference in where you stood? You see, even if we are not to believe everything they say to us......if you don't stand up for yourself and have some dignity, he will never respect you or want you. Having sex and he won't "allow" kissing?? Are you kidding me? The nerve of him! That is nothing more than a "booty call".
Please, do not continue to take this treatment off this man or anybody else. If you don't think more of yourself than that, why should he think more of you?
You may be sorry for inviting me to come by, but I have to be honest with you where I see this.....and it is not good. It could be.....if you would change. However, "he" will never change if you don't. But, let me back up and say this before you misunderstand me.......when you change....it is not to get him back...it is strickly for "Renee" and nobody else. There may be a chance that he would open his eyes and see the gal he wanted to be with.....if he really believed he could not have her! But, doesn't he know he can have you whenever he crooks his finger? Tell me I'm wrong.
I hope you will. Don't you think it's time and don't you think you deserve better? He told you to leave him alone b/c all he wants is peace. So, why dcn't you give him what he wants?
Check on you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Have you ever received any type of counseling? If not, I hope you will seriously consider it.