WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[MrBond]

Not calling is called "detaching". There are going to be times when the urge gets so strong that you have to force yourself to put down the phone.

The one thing I miss the most is my W calling me at work to see how my day is going. Once I found out about her EA, those all came to a stop. I still miss them even a year later.

[MrBond]

Not calling is called "detaching". There are going to be times when the urge gets so strong that you have to force yourself to put down the phone.

The one thing I miss the most is my W calling me at work to see how my day is going. Once I found out about her EA, those all came to a stop. I still miss them even a year later.

[confusedinpa]

You sound sooooo much better. I am very relieved to hear some things you are saying. I think when you decided to stop taking all the blame for the stitch and giving yourself daily beatings, then you were able to see more clearly what she was really doing. Then, the resentment and anger started to set in.

Thanks Sandi. I am feeling better today, even though we haven't had any contact since her call Weds nite. I'm still frustrated she didn't even consider the possibility of how the situation is causing our boys to act up more when they are with her. I'm sure part of it is that I had always been the disciplinarian, but the fact that they tell her that they want to go home to Daddy and doesn't say that they want to go to Mommy's place, should really say something.

I did tell her the day she moved out that I was frustrated that she was hurt and feel like we really aren't given a chance to realize our future.

Yes, you have understood (I think) what my gut feelings are about her. I think she is malnipulative and uses her past as her main tool in trying to control you. I agree with a lot of what "theroadback" said on that subject.

I must admit that I wouldn't have really seen it if you and others didn't come wielding 2x4's and clubs to beat that one into me. I never had thought of her as controlling before, particularly as she complained I was controlling and never made her part of the decisions. I've have been seeing signs of it since she dropped the bomb, but I guess I was still blinded by love. I still love her, but I'm keeping my eyes open now.

As you have time, you can figure out how to "show" her without words and getting a personal life while you are dropping the rope and moving forward may sound as if you are not loving her or standing for your M, but you can. GAL and dropping the rope does not change your beliefs and your standards. It does not change your desires.

I certainly hope so as I still don't understand how do I show her that I still love her while I'm moving forward. I do appreciate everyone's comments/interpretations on GAL and dropping the rope. I guess that it really up to an individual's beliefs and situation. I respect them all as that is how we all learn and grow. While it may seem uncomfortable to see disagreement, it is a normal part of learning and growing as individuals. I was actually happy to see such debate about this (dating while separated) in my thread and in Stuck's.

However, you cannot continue doing what clearly was not working! I think you have finally seen that!

I think what I saw was that I was not moving closer to my goal (either for saving my marriage nor making a better life for me and my boys). I saw that I had buried the bar and wasn't even looking for it. Thanks for reminding me who I was/am and I need to get back to what made me me. I was not always CIPA. I was ME, with goals, ambitions, dreams. I have had many setbacks in my life, but each one made me stronger to not just survive but thrive. I need to believe in me again. How can my boys or anyone else believe in me, when I don't. I know my boys will thank you for getting me back on track as they will ultimately benefit from that.

She really must find out that she cannot control you and your life any longer before she will take notice and want to change what she is doing. Do you see that? As Theroadback said, she has all the power and is loving it. Don't fall for her dramatic scenes.

I think she was getting uncomfortable with the Dark/Dim that caused her to think I had forgotten about her and moved on (what she cried about the week before she moved out). I think on Sunday's call and after that, she saw that I was still emotionally there for her and ready to take her back (which I am), but probably made it seem like I was too eager/easy. I've got to be careful about that.

I do encouage you to get more involved in things besides the time you have with your boys. You need activities and time with friends.

I have been doing things for me as well - it's how it get through the time when I don't have the boys. I go to church and have joined a small group there (talking about boundaries). I also go to the gym twice a week. I try to go out with my buddies (at least once every two weeks) and have lunch with a friend at least once every two weeks. I still go to therapy every week. I've also been trying to call one of my friends at least once/week (many of my old friends I haven't talked to in years). I do plan a trip once/quarter to go visit them (I bring my boys as they all have kids the same age). So I'm doing things for me, which at times frustrates me as I keep thinking I should be doing things to save the marriage or pursue/convince my wife, but I guess doing things for me working towards those goals as well.

Too many women are out there looking for a R with a man.

Oh really, can you introduce me to any?? Just kidding.

I think as long as you are wanting to reunite with your wife, then you sure don't need to keep one on one company with any female.....even "just a friend" female. Being in a safe group of old friends is probably the best way to go. Even then, you have to be on guard b/c there is too much hanky/panky going on these days.

Most of my closest friends (known them since HS) are out of town (100+ miles away) so those are the ones I've reconnected with via phone/email. My local friends, I have a few close ones. Ironic, as prior to meeting my wife, most of my friends were females. Of course, once I met my wife, she put a stop to all that real fast. Now I do talk to 4 female friends frequently. One is the WAW, who works for me, so there is no way that will go anywhere. The other is married and I had lunch with her today and she told me she is expecting their second child. The third female is the wife of the divorced retired couple that I visit/talk to every week (they had both worked for me in a prior job). The last is the wife of one of my closest friends (they are up in CT). I do talk to several safe women to get their insight and encouragment, but there is too much at risk, besides my marriage, for anything else.

I do have a few guy friends that I hang out with. One of them races, so I'm taking the boys with me to the race next weekend.

Since I have the boys every Thurs, Fri and Sat nite, there's not much opportunity to go hang out in the bars and be tempted. At first, I was nervous about that arrangement my wife pushed for as I thought she was going to just go out partying. Now I'm thinking she was worried that was what I was going to do. But who knows what she's thinking now, maybe she is now thinking about starting the party. I will feel really crappy if she does and it will be a deal breaker. That is not the woman I married if she does that.

Hope you understand what I said about moving on with your life (dropping the rope) and yet not throwing away the possibility that some day your W may get her head straighten out and things could work out. You just don't allow that desire or hope to dictate your life any longer. You must move forward.

Sandi - I think I do understand, but it just still feels so crappy.

Thanks for checking in on me and hope to hear from you soon.

Take care

[Kittyfish]

I agree- do not call her- let her come to you. Try to stay busy- make it a minute, an hour, half a day without calling her.

I'm with Sandi about dating. Don't do it. You're still married- and to be honest, your wife acts like such a victim I'm not sure that would bring her around. To me she would take it more as validation for her actions. "Poor me, look hubby is out dating!" yada yada.

You're extremely vulnerable right now and you need to be able to get yourself straight without the involvement of another person. Not fair to you- and not fair to the other person. Plus, you're still married.

[theroadback]

""Weds nite was the last time she called. I was supportive, friendly and caring during her call (she was complaining about how the kids were behaving at her place).
I did suggest it may be related to the situation, but she didn't
agree at all (big surprise).""

Well you gave her her fix .... she reads right through that stuff this is persuing this makes her happy you still want to fix things..... and of course she did not agree, if she agreed it would have taken some of your hurt away, she does not want to do that she wants you to hurt... it makes her feel loved ...

""That was the last time I heard from her. Now many will say not hearing from a WAW in 1.5 days is not a big deal, but it's significant to me since we've had contact almost every day since she moved out.""

And you dont care if she ever calls again right?
that is where you need to be. expect that she will never call you again and be right with it.

[theroadback]

another way to look at it is this;

you are her drug of choice.

everytime she talks to you or sees you and she finds signs of you hurting or trying patch things up

She takes a hit....

[confusedinpa]

Very sad. I asked my 7 year old if he wanted to call mommy. He said "I do but she probably won't answer again" and was really sad. I said you can if you want to but its your choice. He said "No becuase she won't answer". I could sense he would be sad if she didn't answer.

Do you think I should just have him call? She had said that the parent with the kids should call since that parent knows the best time to call

Very hard

Very sad

[MrBond]

Yes have him call. If she doesn't pick up let him leave a message.

[confusedinpa]

Yes have him call. If she doesn't pick up let him leave a message.

I had them call. I didn't say anything, just let my 7 year old and 3 year old talk to her.

I am curious, should I have at least said Hi or goodnite at the end?

I was tempted to "be friendly" or as Smileyperson is coining "friendiness".

So by not saying anything, was that too Cold/Dark? Was that being the jerk, not the integrated man (ala the Spellfire Triangle)? Would have just saying have a goodnite been construed as "pursuing"?

Any thoughts/feedback? My wife had complained about how in the past I never talked to her or ignored her, that's why on Mon-Weds I tried the friendly route. Maybe I was too friendly.

Such a tough balance.

I'm really looking for some input here. When I have the kids call to say goodnite, should I at least say Hi or Goodbye? I know it would be the polite thing to do.

[MrBond]

Yes saying Hi and Bye is the polite thing to do. Just treat her like you would a friend.

What did your son tell her? Did he say anything about missing her or that she doesn't answer the phone, etc.?