So I got fed up and yelled at her for twisting everything I say so that it comes out in her favor, suiting whatever purposes she has at the time. And she has the audacity to say, "Why are you getting upset?"
Detach weedhopper,detach. Figure out why you got triggered into losing your cool. Plus she offered up a opportunity to open up. You can still answer this question once you think thru it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Your wife's response to your emails and phone calls. It's great that you are trying to work with her. Her emotions are coming to the forefront so that everything is unsettling.
Keep it to email if that works for her. Say you'll put it in bullet form. Keep it simple. Validate that you know its difficult.
It's not you.. it's her. You're just the one she gets to blame. Stay calm, know your goals and keep moving forward.
So I got fed up and yelled at her for twisting everything I say so that it comes out in her favor, suiting whatever purposes she has at the time. And she has the audacity to say, "Why are you getting upset?"
Detach weedhopper,detach. Figure out why you got triggered into losing your cool. Plus she offered up a opportunity to open up. You can still answer this question once you think thru it.
Of course, this isn't the underlying issue, but Coach is all over that.
From a practical standpoint, however .... given that:
Short = Bad Medium = Bad Long = Bad
.... cut yourself a break, dude. Communicate in the length/format seems most sensible/comfortable to YOU at this point, with a focus on clarity ... and let the chips fall where they may.
Chasing a moving target = that way lies madness.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Smiley, I dont post to you often, mostly because I feel I miss half of the things said on your thread due to the language barrier, but I try to follow.
I once told you I think you need to calm down or something in these -simple- words. Today I read something someone mentioned and I wondered if you consider yourself antagonistic (competetive?). Do you always have to say the last word? Make the last smart (@ss ) comment, say a joke? Is this your way to deal with things? Do you engage in "verbal swordfight" (I think that's how OD/Lisa described once what I am trying to describe)because you simply enjoy iy without meaning any harm?
Dont get me wrong, I enjoy your posts and your attitude. BUT, I cant imagine living with a man 24/7 that sounds/seems always so hyper and ready to REact on things... I think I would get "burned out" at some point. Maybe it is just me being used to a VERY passive man, I was just wondering, maybe you are nothing like that, but I have to say, all this "energy" to me, sometimes seems a bit....aggressive and chaotic? K
BTW, there is nothing you can do to "please" her when communicating to her if she has decied she will get upset with you. Just try to be thoughfull and think of what brings you closer to your goal. By the way, what IS your goal lately? I may have missed it...
Actually had to go off on WAW just now. She insisted that I never call her at work, except for kid emergencies, because my calls -- for whatever reason -- "always upset me" and make it "impossible to get any work done."
So we set up these dedicated e-mail accounts. And her thing was, "I can look at it at the end of the day."
So okay. I'm a cooperative fellow. But then she starts getting irritated at the e-mails, because they're too short. "Too cryptic." And she starts (mis)interpreting them in whatever way necessary to make them "hostile" (not mind-reading, as you'll see in a moment).
So I start writing longer, more detailed, carefully worded, stewed for 60 minutes before button-clicking e-mails. And THOSE make her hysterical, because they're too long. "Too much!" So she starts (mis)interpreting THOSE e-mails in whatever way necessary to make them "hostile" by skimming them and taking the parts she chooses to be hostile out of context.
So I can't call, I can't write short e-mails, I can't write long e-mails. So I write (today) a medium e-mail.
Nope. Gonna misinterpret that one too. "It says X." No, actually it doesn't say that. "It says Y." No, it actually doesn't say that either. In fact, it says, 'This is not saying X or Y. I am saying Z.'
(But Smiley's Person -- couldn't she just be telling you how she is reacting to them? And aren't you not "hearing" her? Yes, that could be it. Riddle me this: DB'er, you know from my POV you are really a fine person. Ohh, so you're saying I'm not a fine person?!?! That's about where it's at.)
So I got fed up and yelled at her for twisting everything I say so that it comes out in her favor, suiting whatever purposes she has at the time. And she has the audacity to say, "Why are you getting upset?"
Bonk-bonk-bonk-bonk-bonk-bonk-bonk-ow!
Dude... would you tolerate any of us telling you how to post your updates on this forum?
You write how you want to write, don't let her tell you how you can write msg's, small, medium, long.
It's her choice to read them, you're not looking for publishing & proof reading input from her - make it known that how you write is how you write and if she doesn't like it, that's unfortunate for her, not for you.
Women testing men, view this as one of those tests, possibly subconscious on her part, testing you, seeing how much she can push you and bend you to her will.
Once you realize this testing is constant, especially in this situation, just smile and go with it. When you know you're being tested, it's easy to give the responses you need to give her.
Blue Dog, Your woman asks you, "why are you upset?" She wants to understand your feelings. It's kinda like reverse validating. So a great response to encourage a dialouge instead of a argument (no more twisting or confusion) - H- Thanks for asking. I feel_____________ when you do______________________. Can you now see why I might be upset? W -response H- Yes, you understand thank you. How do you feel about that or why do you feel that way? No, How can I help you understand? No more defensiveness, we are seeking to understand, I am asking how you genuinely feel. We get upset when are aren't being heard. Being heard means someone is showing you interest, compassion, love. You have great empathy for people dealing with A, it's your ministry. I struggled and still screw up with really listening to what my W is telling me. It's not the way guys talk or communicate. When I listen to understand it's different than listening just to hear.
SP, I think one of the points the W are making to you is are you communicating to be "right" or to do the right thing?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Women testing men, view this as one of those tests, possibly subconscious on her part, testing you, seeing how much she can push you and bend you to her will.
Yep, she baited you with the all bs about how you were doing it all wrong. You took the bait got upset (nomomojo .) Then the test: Why are you upset? You have to understand how and why you are going to respond to pass the test and be her man. BE + DO = HAVE
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
As long as we all accept that "Why are you getting upset?" can be either a genuine request for insight ..... or ..... deliberately-[censored]-disingenuousness.
That said, there's no harm in treating it as a sincere query as long as you don't let it get you off balance. You hate it when she constantly puts the worst possible construction upon your meanings and motives ..... so, sauce for the goose .....
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
) comment, say a joke? Is this your way to deal with things? Do you engage in "verbal swordfight" (I think that's how OD/Lisa described once what I am trying to describe)because you simply enjoy iy without meaning any harm? 
.) Then the test: Why are you upset?