Actually had to go off on WAW just now. She insisted that I never call her at work, except for kid emergencies, because my calls -- for whatever reason -- "always upset me" and make it "impossible to get any work done."
So we set up these dedicated e-mail accounts. And her thing was, "I can look at it at the end of the day."
So okay. I'm a cooperative fellow. But then she starts getting irritated at the e-mails, because they're too short. "Too cryptic." And she starts (mis)interpreting them in whatever way necessary to make them "hostile" (not mind-reading, as you'll see in a moment).
So I start writing longer, more detailed, carefully worded, stewed for 60 minutes before button-clicking e-mails. And THOSE make her hysterical, because they're too long. "Too much!" So she starts (mis)interpreting THOSE e-mails in whatever way necessary to make them "hostile" by skimming them and taking the parts she chooses to be hostile out of context.
So I can't call, I can't write short e-mails, I can't write long e-mails. So I write (today) a medium e-mail.
Nope. Gonna misinterpret that one too. "It says X." No, actually it doesn't say that. "It says Y." No, it actually doesn't say that either. In fact, it says, 'This is not saying X or Y. I am saying Z.'
(But Smiley's Person -- couldn't she just be telling you how she is reacting to them? And aren't you not "hearing" her? Yes, that could be it. Riddle me this: DB'er, you know from my POV you are really a fine person. Ohh, so you're saying I'm not a fine person?!?! That's about where it's at.)
So I got fed up and yelled at her for twisting everything I say so that it comes out in her favor, suiting whatever purposes she has at the time. And she has the audacity to say, "Why are you getting upset?"
I mean, so many people say "if you're happy, the kids will be happy." It is BS, even statistics have shown it. How does it feel to have your world crumble and have everyone just gloss over it and skip off? I take a different approach, this is hard and it hurts and we'll get through it.
Yes, I absolutely concur from the core of my being. The school 'counselor' told me the kids would be fine with W sleeping in the same bed with OM amd the kids in the same hotel room as long was mom was 'happy' and it was really none of my business. What a big lie! This is sadly 'pop psychology' and 'accepted culture'.
I mean, so many people say "if you're happy, the kids will be happy." It is BS, even statistics have shown it. How does it feel to have your world crumble and have everyone just gloss over it and skip off? I take a different approach, this is hard and it hurts and we'll get through it.
Yes, I absolutely concur from the core of my being. The school 'counselor' told me the kids would be fine with W sleeping in the same bed with OM amd the kids in the same hotel room as long was mom was 'happy' and it was really none of my business. What a big lie! This is sadly 'pop psychology' and 'accepted culture'.
Yep. The school counselor is most likely not f'ing qualified to make that call. I, Me, Mine should be our new national anthem. But I digress. The kids need to know at their cores that the adults are mindful of and sensitive to what they are going through. Like I said, I went through some traumas it and sometimes felt like "what the hey? My dad just died and you want to know why I'm in a crabby mood??"
You can't coddle, they've got to cope, but sheesh. If child-rearing was just about the grown ups being "happy" couldn't we all just take happy pills and let them work their cr*p out...oh, right, I guess that is what most people do these days.
SP- I think this is where the "screw the WAS, we can't live in fear forever" comes in. And obviously, I don't mean a shift in demeanor but, your email=your length of choice etc.
How about you try some "I'll think about that." Or, "you think so? Really?" Or "I'll take another look and get back to you..."
Maybe you need to disengage and not spar with her.
This seems to me the scariest and most precarious part of the D. Maybe Coach can advise on how one navigates this territory while preserving "friendiness."
Ordinarily I do disengage, but at some point you have to draw a line. Unless I'm to assume I am forbidden from all communications, I don't think it's asking much that she actually read what I say, rather than read it into what she wants to hear for whatever WAW-like goal she's pursuing at that particular point in time. You can't win for losing with this one.
Life is short, and 'I have a dream", ... so Look out for #1 because ... It's all about the blessed Trinity - me, myself and I. Whatever makes you happy is the way to go! So bombs away, WA!
Long ago I realized that what I posted to others was meant for me. If something twings inside, I ask even if I feel nervous or stupid. There's always some type of message.
Here's my splatter of thoughts:
Consider going to Retro before telling the kids. Why? Because it seems like the final litmus test. Fracturing a family with passing mentions of reconciliation seems like cruel and unusual punishment for the kids and all involved.
You're probably cooler and calmer than I am. When we went to tell the kids, I planned on letting my husband say it all. The minute I saw the looks on their faces I died inside.. and would have promised the world and a puppy to make their pain go away. My jumping in to assuage their pain let him off the hook of having to say anything. At the time I didn't realize he was already divorced in his mind and onto another life. He felt like the conversation went well. "Don't you realize we ripped a hole in their hearts that will never be healed?" was my reply. At that point I felt like DB, giving space.. everything I'd done was worth sh*t... how could I have agreed to any of this??? T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E..........
About your wife's firking about paying support... well it's all fun and games til the tab comes due. And most people change when it gets down to financials.
I wrote more about the laughter and hiding emotions on my thread if you're interested.
You're an intelligent guy who protects his kids, is aware of how to make things work and are patient. I'm rooting for you.
