One example -- as I mentioned up-thread, WAW is really into this close-physical-proximity thing these days, which I can't figure out. So much so, in fact, that last night I had to consciously move away from her. So, like, um, whazzapwitdat? Is it a taunt? Is it a test? Is she inviting me to make a Schnarch-like move and "do" her? (Ohhhhhhh, put THOSE thoughts out of yer mind, Person!) She was always "personal space, personal space!" (Maybe it's one of HER 180s?)
So that kind of thing happens, and I get all conflicted (see @Thinker's discussion in his thread).
OMG Nothing sucks the Mojo out of you like close proximity to a friendly, smiling WAW!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Jeez SP- I wonder if this is the most imperfect time to take a closer look at this or the most perfect...it'll be your call.
I was "personal space" lady in my R. The relentless, charming, revered sense of humor that H possessed and that every one but me seemed to appreciate, ultimately helped to polarize H and I to an extent that will likely prove terminal. I felt so lonely in my soberness. It was as if the emotional burden was mine and he was entitled to this lightness and levity. I was playing off of him. It wasn't even "me" it was what had to be done to TCB. And he would chide me for it. "What happened to your sense of humor?" and "You used to laugh, now you're like an old lady." And he didn't think enough to digest (even when I told him as much) that he had something to do with it. And the worst part, other women apparently LOVED it and he let me know that. Tons of friends (some whom I really like and respect), they love it. So, what was MY problem. How about, that I knew H was actually depressed? How about that I needed him to be the sober one sometimes and make the space for me to breathe with him quietly. I didn't want to shower with him (even after sex), why? I don't seem to mind it now at all. Because, he was the overwhelming energy sucking, attention seeking, star of the show and it felt more peaceful to get away from him despite how much I loved him. And now that he is gone, when he is around, of course, come a little closer, let me feel YOU near me and see if I can feel peaceful and safe and respected...I don't think it is a conscious test but it is a test none the less.
Maybe your real mojo is just to be able to look at her (not in a creepy way) but just stillness, you're not running the show, you're just being you. When H settles down with me, oh my, I feel I could ML, shower with him, grow old together. But, he's so busy being "super cultured, interesting, important, funny, nothing will bring me down guy."
SP- I think maybe this comes up on the approach of "talk to the kids day" because you may want to consider curbing it on the quips. Just really being there. And don't make it easier for W or back her up in any disingenuous way but really, your kids, while they need to know everything will be ok, IMO (having lived with D and death as a child), they need to know you "get it" that they are not alone in their experience. I mean, so many people say "if you're happy, the kids will be happy." It is BS, even statistics have shown it. How does it feel to have your world crumble and have everyone just gloss over it and skip off? I take a different approach, this is hard and it hurts and we'll get through it. I DO NOT mean to suggest that you would make jokes or gloss over. I don't have a clue or know you well enough to make such a suggestion. I am just trying to drive home that now is your chance to be really real, to be the pillar in your family, to be very still and very present and exhibit to your children how ok it is to feel.
Sorry for the lecture. I think there is something here. Maybe you picked a woman who just cannot appreciate the glory of you enough. That is what H thinks of me and so do some of his friends. But, in all likelihood, he will just go on to knock the socks off another woman who within a couple years will be worn out.
What is your mojo really about? What is different about you now since bomb dropped? Take stock.
Naturally! Just goofin' - I mean c'mon, if you can't have fun during your divorce, when CAN you have fun?
Divorce Busting Book - $12.99
Wardrobe Update - $200
D Attorney Initial Retainer - $5000
The ability to make a funny when your world is crashing down - Priceless
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Maybe your real mojo is just to be able to look at her (not in a creepy way) but just stillness, you're not running the show, you're just being you.
But I am very still with her. But even in stillness funny stuff comes out. Hell, half the time it comes out before I'm even aware of it. Example -- we were out one night with a bunch of friends, all roughly the same age, at a restaurant. Some cheezy, Vangelis-like elevator music comes on. You could sort of see everyone pick up on it and listen a bit. Before I knew it, the words "All Skate!" came out of my mouth -- and everyone cracked up. Except me -- I wasn't even aware I'd said it for a couple beats. Just the way my brain is wired.
WAW's "personal space" thing has always -- and from Day One back when Reagan was president -- been about her mantra: "I don't need no clinging vines." The other day she mentioned that, initially, it was really weird to sleep alone. Now she adores it. Doesn't think she'll ever sleep with anyone (i.e., in the arms of Morpheus and not the "sex" euphemism) ever again. Even in the best of M times, she hated post-coital holding, didn't like it if I slept with my arm on/around her, etc.
Quote:
don't make it easier for W or back her up in any disingenuous way
No, we discussed this. I told her she was going to do the explaining, that I would be there, that I would answer the kids' questions, that I wouldn't undermine WAW or fight with her, but that I categorically would not lie if the kids ask this or that. Which she didn't like. But which she accepted (after admittedly trying to weasel out of it a bit).
Quote:
Maybe you picked a woman who just cannot appreciate the glory of you enough.
Or maybe I just wasn't glorious enough? Or not living up to my glory?
At no point in any of my threads have I said or even intimated that this isn't my fault.
At no point in any of my threads have I said or even intimated that this isn't my fault.
Maybe WAW is just a tough crowd....
We tend to attract people who challenge us. Haven't we already established 50/50 fault allotment?
I don't think it is your fault and sorry for the pscyho-analysis...was just relating, knowing of course, there are millions of details that differentiate our sitches.
It does seem obvious to me though, that if space is her thing and now she's getting it, it is safe for her to move closer to you.
ALSO, since when are we listening to WAS (re: sleeping alone...)? I can testify on this having watched my bf's D...she doesn't have a clue how she's gonna feel. She's still in the fog.
ALSO, since when are we listening to WAS (re: sleeping alone...)? I can testify on this having watched my bf's D...she doesn't have a clue how she's gonna feel. She's still in the fog.
I'm perfectly willing to believe her when she says she likes sleeping alone.
I'm also perfectly willing to believe that she's still in the fog.
I don't they're mutually exclusive.
Short phone-con with WAW. Again with the farking money. Really, it's getting old. Spousal Support, IMO, falls into the category of Things You Should Have Thought About Before Dropping The Bomb. What -- you didn't know I took part-time work to have the flexibility your career demanded vis-a-vis the kids?
Ahem. "Whistling past the graveyard" was me. I like credit for my cliche-deployments, I do. (grin)
My take: Whistling past said graveyard is nothing either good or bad, but where-it's-coming-from makes it so. If it's allowing you to live on that river in Egypt, it's bad, in the sense of limboizing you. If, OTOH, you're steering by that Stockdale thingy (if that's the one about 'I will eventually prevail, but current circs SUCK in the following long list of ways'), and you're using humor instead of say, rage, or total emotional collapse to cope with your fairly-fully-processed reality ... that sounds pretty healthy to me. Have at it.
The funnyman thing, again, depends. It really depends how it comes across IRL. Personally, give me a man anyday who can laugh and joke in the face of either total impending doom or everyday SNAFUs. I mean, you can't stop it, might as well enjoy the ride. Love covers a multitude of sins, but laughter is riding shotgun. I'm not down with the attitude that says you have to ACT serious to BE serious. I think it's a lot more productive to judge people by their actions or lack thereof rather than their manner when trying to determine whether they're pulling their weight/there for you or not.
ON the other hand (there's always an other hand), I've known people whose urge to be funny stems from an unhealthy (IMHO) narcissistic need to always be the center of attention with attendent audience. I'm not an audience; I'm a friend or partner. I've been around guys whose main goal in life seems to be attention at all costs, and humor is often the shortest route to that. I remember clearly being on a bus full of concert goers with another couple. Our friend pretty much ignored the three of us he was with because he could make smart remarks and attempt to crack up the strangers around him. The fact that his volume pissed a bunch of them off didn't seem to register, nor did the fact that he wasn't socially "dancing with the one who brung" him.
I don't know if any of that applies at all, because I'd have to observe you first-hand to know. Just maybe food for thought. It all depends on the motivation, I think. If something amusing comes to your mind, and you are moved to share it because why shouldn't your friends/family be amused too? -- that's cool. If there's any flavor of throwing a line in the water expecting laughter or recognition or any response at all, though ... people can sense when a response is expected of them. It feels like a form of emotional blackmail, and the quite-reasonable natural tendency is for them to get their feathers ruffled. IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Our friend pretty much ignored the three of us he was with because he could make smart remarks and attempt to crack up the strangers around him. The fact that his volume pissed a bunch of them off didn't seem to register, nor did the fact that he wasn't socially "dancing with the one who brung" him.
I'd have to say this isn't me. Like I posted earlier, these things just come out, often unbidden, like the "All Skate!" They're buried in there somewhere below the medulla oblongata and the right environmental cue makes 'em burst forth.
It's just the way I see the world, I guess.
Quote:
Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.
-- William Saroyan
Quote:
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
We're all about the 50/50 basically, except where the kids are concerned (60/40 in my favor, owing to differences in work schedules) and WAW's separate property (which I have no beef about -- she inherited it from deceased grands and parents and shares it with her sister). WAW's pretty cheesed-off about spousal support -- big philosophical debate that is, "of course," completely NOT about the fact that she has to pay it
Not too bad actually looks like you knew ahead of time what to expect from the 'petitioner'. I had to step on the gas ($$$ per gallon) to get from 14 to 60 in just about 2 years. Stick to your guns on the spousal support.
