Renee, being stubborn and not giving up is an admirable characterstic, and I know a lot about that, but when you are dealing with other people, YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM. The harder you push, the faster they run. I know you want to know "why" who doesn't? Unfortunately, you will probably never really know. I personnally think most of them feel the grass is just greener. Does it turn out that way? Well numbers regarding divorce seem to indicate that it doesn't overall. Does it mean he will come running back if it doesn't work out? Probably not. Its been my experience that in order to do that, they would be admiting they did wrong and most people regardless of cause or need aren't willing to do that.
I know you want answers and to understand why. What will that do for you exactly? The argument can be made that we want them so we can better understand ourselves and learn from our mistakes. I think the truth is more in the realm of so we can fix it. Sadly, everything can't be fixed. Which is why GAL is so important. You can fix and heal yourself. I know it's hard. You're preaching to the choiir here. It doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen.
I tend to agree with bh that not giving up and (sometimes) stubborn can be admirable. That doesn't change anything for you though. Finding a new goal not to give up on will occupy you mind and time. Something to help you stop thinking of him so much. When it comes down to it I think you are (as we all are or have been) looking for him to be mlc b/c it gives you more hope. I used to think I was foolish for hoping under the circumstances. Then I realized that hope isn't false or foolish, it just is. You either have it or you don't. Doesn't mean we get what we hope for. Ever read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning"? Some food for thought on hope.
Sometimes we just don't get the answers we want and sometimes we think we want them and find out we really didn't.
Well guys I think my time on the board is running out. I have come to accept that my xh will not be returning. Why? Well I have left him alone for a couple months, I know that isnt much, but I have to start somewhere. I called him once about a month ago, or 3 weeks ago maybe, to inquire about insurance on our home and taxes we owe, he talked pretty nice. The conversation lasted about 2 min. I ended it. Well today I called him because of a serious issue I was worried about with son, really personal and dont want to discuss it here, anyway he answered and I said xxxxx. Click is all I heard, yep he hung up on me before I could take a breath. He was at work, this is how I always spoke with him. I thought after the last conversation that possibly we were making a little progress in being civil with one another, but I was WRONG apparently. I just cant imagine why he hates me soooo much. Yes I think about it, it bothers me. To think we will never speak again hurts me and it will in the long run hurt our son. I called back a few times leaving messages and trying to get him to speak with me, for it was VERY important that I spoke with him before my son came home. I left him messages, but didnt do any good. The last message I left him was that I wanted him to imagine how he would have felt if his mom and dad were to never speak to each other. They are deceased now but I know, as anyone would, it would be very hurtful. I also told him to forget it, I would deal with it myself and that I didnt understand him and that I was disappointed in him. I didnt raise my voice and get angry or anything like that. I know that I probably should have let it go. But to be frank, I have let everything go thus far. I dont think there is nothing more I can do to change his way of thinking and how he feels. I have took and took from his attitude and anger until I can not take anymore. I know him leaving his not ALL his fault, but his attitude now IS. I am trying to get along and he wont have nothing of it. He was better before the new gf, but now everything has changed. I will not give up praying for him. I still have my faith but for now I think I need to get off this board and live my life. I will probably come back every now and then to check in and speak to everyone. I appreciate everything everybody tried to do for me. I just think it is time to start rebuilding my life without him. I think reading others stories does give me hope but at the same time I think it hold up my progress because I am expecting the same results and getting my hope up. I end up sitting around waiting for it to happen, when in all honesty GOD may have something else planned for me. Anyway thanks guys, Snodderly and BH, BND and a few others that have been here awhile, BLESS YOU for everything you do.
Renee, one thing you will soon come to realize when dealing with these WAS/MLCERs is it is usually 1 step forward, 3 steps backwards.
I'm sorry about your son, but unless it's a life or death situation I think you are going to have to find a way to deal with it on your own. Don't look to your ex for help because you probably won't find it.
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I still have my faith but for now I think I need to get off this board and live my life. I will probably come back every now and then to check in and speak to everyone. I appreciate everything everybody tried to do for me. I just think it is time to start rebuilding my life without him. I think reading others stories does give me hope but at the same time I think it hold up my progress because I am expecting the same results and getting my hope up. I end up sitting around waiting for it to happen, when in all honesty GOD may have something else planned for me
YES! YES! YES! I think you are finally getting it.
Even though these boards are a blessing, sometimes the best thing to do is to take a break from them. I've done it a few times, and still do. I find it helps me heal more everytime I do it. It keeps your focus on where it should be.
I wish you the best, and I am sure God has great plans for you, even though it may not feel like it right now. Put your faith in God. Good Luck!
Hey girl just read your post.....I also thought this way or did..I was always looking for what it was WAS/MLC either way one day it occurred to me it didnt matter what it was...he is gone....for now...see I still have hope ...the man I see now though is so not the same man I married..I dont like him very much..he is selfish,mean,uncaring,a liar....and so many more other things he has become.You must of been praying for me because I have come back to my God.Thank you for your encouraging words. I think we will always have hope tht one day a miracle will happen and they will return...some in here wouldnt agree but I know prayer works and peace comes when we need it the most, when we put God first, above all else...our marriage, our children, our families that is just the way it is and what he commands.Bless you and keep in touch.. And Snodderly in case you are reading this on her post thank you for all the kinds words and advice you have given me..I so hope one day I can be as strong in the Lord as you and as smart about MLC to maybe hepl others like you helped me in my time of need.Thank you
I have to add that my xh spoke with my son, after me asking him NOT TO, and wanted to know what was going on. I asked him specifically not to tell my son I had spoke with him. I am truly dealing with 2 teenagers here. No adult male/father, in their right mind would go behind a mothers back and tell their teenager son what I was doing after telling him NOT to. Instead of being parents, and working together, he constantly is going against what I say. Done. I will just continue to pray.
Thank You IRMAC and MissH. Yes I am finally getting the picture and starting to deal with reality. It took me 6 months but I am getting there. Today is my sons 19th birthday and I had planned on spending it with him but his dad called and made plans to take him somewhere expensive to eat. I feel like it is becoming a "I can give you more" thing. I cant compete with money but I can with love and care. Oh well, I will celebrate when his dad is finsihed with him. I did not let my son see how much it hurt me. He has no idea I was planning a small party. I had to call and cancel some people. I will NOT try to compete with his dad!
I love you all and I will check back in to read any last comments before I go.
6 mos seems like a long, long time, but it is just a blip in MLC land. To your XH, your barging into his house and the ensuing scuffle happened like yesterday. You wonder why he's so mad at you-- there you go. It takes them forever to let go of ANYTHING. It's not fair, but there it is. My STBX (w/whom I'm getting along very well at the moment, knock on wood) until recently kept throwing every angry/mean thing I said post-bomb back in my face-- I was a horrible person for reacting the way I did, while he hadn't done anything bad to me at all (just left me after 26 years of M, no big deal). This is how they think-- they feel entitled to do whatever the hell they want, irregardless of how it affects us/kids-- and rightly or wrongly, they ARE-- it's a free country, it's not a crime yet to be an a**hole.
Don't waste your time trying to figure him out. You are D. He screwed you over financially, yes? Then you should know not to expect any help from him.
You have to get on with your life. It is okay to leave the door cracked, just as long as you don't have any expectations. He's not a very nice person right now anyway, and you deserve better.
A lot of times it is the medium. You know that the telephone or in person visits are the wrong medium. Use emails from now on to inform him of important issues about S19. Quite frankly, S19 is a man and should handle his own issues.
I have to take your H's side on this. You left him multiple messages and were trying to guilt him. I would be pissed off at you too and if I had a son that was a man I probably would talk to him as a man - "I wish your mother would leave me alone?".
He wants you to leave him alone as he has a new life. Why cant you understand that?
Renee, listen to me on this one..... Don't EVER speak to him again! If he wants to SPEAK TO YOU, its your choice to speak back, but if someone was dead, I would be damned if I would tell him.
