maybe you should go hardcore like robx has been telling me. I don't think it would work in my sitch, but you never know.
I've been following what he said. It seemed pretty extreme. Not sure if I'm ready for that type of move nor do I think it will help get my wife back.
Personally, I think she would take it as a true absolution of any responsibility she had that brought us to this point. She will cast herself as the innocent wife that lost the love of her husband years ago but stuck it out as long as she could before getting the courage to get out of such an emotionally abusive relationship. She will take it as affirmation of that I would say that I loved her but didn't really feel it.
I'm really curious of how Sandi or other WAW's chime in on.
My WAW friend, when she talks about her husband who she walked away from 6 months ago, keeps saying that she wished he would find someone else so he would leave her alone.
So that could be another route that could take.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
So it's official - I believe yesterday was the first day since she moved out that she didn't call/text/email or anything.
I hurt and I'm anxious, but it's not as bad as I thought. Perhaps I'm begining to get resentful of what she's doing to tear apart our family and everything we built up.
This is where she does have some MLC tendancies. The home and family, which is what we had talked about before we got married and had children, was a dream for her. Suddenly she calls it all a fraud and is walking away. I know the part that we missed, which is the most important for her, was to feel loved by her husband.
I'm not beating myself up on it. I've appologized for it countless times and am done appologizing for the past. I'm just facing the reality.
I am still hopeful to save the marriage, but it seems to be sucking so much away from me right now. Who know's what she's thinking or going through. I know I can't waste any energy away to guess. I can't figure her out nor does she make sense to many people here.
Perhaps she finally shifted to full blown WAW mode of no contact and emotionally moved on. Perhaps that's what the call on Sunday nite was all about.
Either way, I'm going to continue to work on me and preparing for a great future for my boys and I. I still want my wife back with the family, but either way, we will be fine
Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I'm just a little down this morning, but am fighting myself from slipping to far....
I do have some get a life stuff going on, lunch with a friend today, one of my buddies and I have been playing phone tag to set another outing up, I'm still going to church and have to do more reading for my small group. I have the boys for the next 2 nites and they are SOOOOO excited to be home with Dad.
So many positives, so why do I feel like crap.....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
You feel like crap because you miss your wife, and your marriage is up in the air right now. Maybe she had to get out and cut off all communication (except regarding the kids) so she could start processing the TONS of emotions that she has to deal with now. Maybe she needs TIME and SPACE. Give it to her. This takes longer, A LOT longer than we want it to. That's where PATIENCE come into play. If you're committed to your wife and your marriage, back off and give her the space and time that she NEEDS. It's hard, and it feels counterintuitive, but it's absolutely necessary when the situation warrants it. Don't despair, and don't give up. Love her, honor her, and cherish her by giving her the space and time that she needs. Look at it that way, it might help you. Sometimes they can't even start to heal until they are away from us, and communication is practically not there! Keep working on yourself, focus on your kids and your job. What's to lose by going this route? Detatch, and 'drop the rope'.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You feel like crap because you miss your wife, and your marriage is up in the air right now. Maybe she had to get out and cut off all communication (except regarding the kids) so she could start processing the TONS of emotions that she has to deal with now. Maybe she needs TIME and SPACE. Give it to her. This takes longer, A LOT longer than we want it to. That's where PATIENCE come into play. If you're committed to your wife and your marriage, back off and give her the space and time that she NEEDS. It's hard, and it feels counterintuitive, but it's absolutely necessary when the situation warrants it. Don't despair, and don't give up. Love her, honor her, and cherish her by giving her the space and time that she needs. Look at it that way, it might help you. Sometimes they can't even start to heal until they are away from us, and communication is practically not there! Keep working on yourself, focus on your kids and your job. What's to lose by going this route? Detatch, and 'drop the rope'.
Antlers
Thanks for the support. It's just so hard to do nothing. But then again, doing nothing is actually something to do.
Now I'm not saying I'm sitting idle and doing nothing with my boys and I, but I'm talking about relative to my wife. I have to break my habit of being the fixer. I can't fix this alone. My wife needs to help me fix it. If she doesn't want to help, there is nothing I can do other than work on my end (which is me and my boys).
There are moments where I think she has given up after Sunday nite's call, but then again, she filed for divorce. She gave up back then. She saw a lawyer to draw up the papers. She gave up back then. She made the decision to see a lawyer. She gave up back then. She gave up when she moved out. She gave up when she stopped going to marriage counseling. She gave up a long time ago, I need to remind myself. This is not new news.
This is still crap, but it does hurt less when I know there are people here who support and believe the same things I do.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
"You can work on your marriage without pursuing and live your life without harming your marriage. Your every move is being watched by your wife. This is when you get to lead." - Coach
As you said, to paraphrase...'doing nothing (regarding the relationship) is actually doing something'!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Good job not calling her. What she thinks is not your problem.
The bottom line here is that she broke up with you.
You showed her that you can improve the reason why she broke up with you.
Its her choice now, her choice to want you back. She has to be the one to initiate it.
Do nothing.
Even if you got back together with her due to your persistence and it was not her decision 100% what kind of relationship would it be anyway? she would just be on her high horse and disrespect you to no end.
You showed her what she is missing, she can take it or leave it. If I were you I would start seeking some female companionship. It really does help your confidence and attitude. It will also shake her up .... thats what she needs, a good shake up shes too comfortable right now
Good job not calling her. What she thinks is not your problem.
The bottom line here is that she broke up with you.
You showed her that you can improve the reason why she broke up with you.
Its her choice now, her choice to want you back. She has to be the one to initiate it.
Do nothing.
Even if you got back together with her due to your persistence and it was not her decision 100% what kind of relationship would it be anyway? she would just be on her high horse and disrespect you to no end.
You showed her what she is missing, she can take it or leave it. If I were you I would start seeking some female companionship. It really does help your confidence and attitude. It will also shake her up .... thats what she needs, a good shake up shes too comfortable right now
I agree with most of your post. It's good stuff. I take exception though with "...start seeking female companionship. It really does help your confidence and attitude. It will also shake her up...". CIPA is stll married! There are lots of people on this board because their spouses are CHEATING on them! If it was wrong for them to do it, and it was...then it's wrong for the LBS to do it! Two wrongs do not make a right. The trick is to increase your confidence and attitude through hard work while you are getting better and stronger...not through 'dating' while you are still married! If you really love your spouse and want to reconcile and spend your life with them...how in the world can one justify 'dating' while you're still married to them? That's my 2 cents on that subject. No offense intended.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
BTW just to let you know where I am coming from. As I have said before I have been going through the same issue as you (wife felt neglected and unloved among other issues) for over two years. I think I have tried a lot of different approaches, not all but allot.
Now that I feel detached, really detached, and she sees it, I feel that she is actually starting to pursue a little, and its only been a few weeks!!
We got into a pretty bad fight the other day and not once did I hear the D word. She knows I don’t care anymore about D anymore, she cant use that card.
Years of nothing, well some half hearted trying on her part but not like what I am seeing now.
Going to keep it up….strange saying that, because I don’t need to keep anything up nor do I need do anything. Because I am…….I am detached naturally… feel’s pretty cool actually …
