It is and it's like what Wifey said about being nuance. It's a shift in the dynamic of your thinking.
I've been re-reading Wifey's posts numerous time on nuance. I'm still stuck (no pun intended)
Originally Posted By: The Wifey
The whole point of GAL and PMA is to make the WA blink. Wow, LBS is so upbeat and positive, hmmm am I doing the right thing here. I was so sure, now I am questioning it just a little. Am I so easy to get over?
LBS is so happy apparently, and I still don't feel all that great. WTF?!
She assumes you've given up by watching you. And you are doing really great at it. But then your actions are going to create cognitive dissonance. (Do a google search or use the search function on this site.)
And, you let her know your committment WITHOUT any words. With actions.
And, to add to that, when the GAL and PMA are really and truly for you and not just for the reaction of your spouse - they are really unsure of themselves.
Combined with your positive changes they look at you with new respect. You become interesting, different.
With a heaping helping of friendship - things can happen.
The part that is really hanging me up is the part about "committment WITHOUT any words. With actions. "
Some help please....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Check out robx's responses on my thread. he's pretty hardcore on the "moving on" strategy.
I've noticed that too - I've been watching your thread. It looks like some serious traffic going on over there.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I picked up my 3 year old first. He was so excited to see me. Just like when I picked him up yesterday, although he was so excited, when he ran over to me, he tumbled over a few toys and knocked over a couple of kids. He picked himself up and just said "I'm ok" and ran and gave me a big hug shouting "Daddy" over and over again. You have got to love kids
He wouldn't stop talking all the way over to picking up my 7 year old. My 7 year old saw me and gave me a hug and said he missed me. He then said that he had wanted to come home last nite too, but didn't say anything when the 3 year was stressing about it because he didn't want to make mommy sad. I told him that he will never know until he ask, so he should never be afraid about asking.
I had really wanted to say - don't worry about making mommy sad because she isn't worried about what she is doing and how it makes us feel, but I thought Sandi would head over with her club again.
Anyway, the boys and I got home. I started dinner as my 7 year old did his homework and my 3 year old played. They were both very happy and with no stressing going on. It was great. They ate dinner very nicely as each of them talked about their day. Of course there were a few times when they were talking over each other or my 7 year old was trying to one up his little brother's stories, but it was a great time.
We got baths without any issues and the kids and I played some board games until it was time to read books. I read books with them both, watched a show and they both went to bed. I noticed when I tucked my 7 year old in bed, he seemed a little sad (like he was about to cry). I just gave him a really big hug and goodnite kiss and asked if he was ok. He said he was just tired. I smiled at him as I told him that I love him and that I was glad he was home. He just said me to.
During prayers, he asked again for mommy to come home soon. All the other times, I would get a little choked up when I heard that. This time, I just told him that his prayer was very nice and kissed him good nite.
The 3 year old said his prayers and just asked for water once.
It is great to have the boys home. I am staying focused on living life for these moments with my boys and not let my situation distract from the quality time with them. I didn't even check this forum on my Blackberry the entire time!
Huge step for me!
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Great night. Did your W call like she expected you to?
No my wife didn't call nor did I have the boys call her.
I had thought about having the boys call her like she asked, but she did say it didn't have to be every nite. I just wanted them to have a nite without any of the BS or dealing with any feelings of talking to her. I will probably have them call at least once during this trip home.
I'm sure it will bug her, but I'm preparing my wall as I'll just remind her that I call them if she doesn't call me and I had already told her that she is welcome to call the boys anytime.
I must admit that I struggled with having the boys call her or not. I kept going back to what Coach said - ask yourself the question will this bring me closer to my goal.
I debated that if I did it, it would show her that I was listening to what she said and had respected her enough to do it. On the other hand, I was worried that she would just see how easy it was for her to control what I did. That's why I compromised on having them call just once out of the 3 nites that I will have them. Of course if they ask to call, I will let them. Or if she calls, she can certainly call them.
Not sure if this is a pride thing that is getting in my way or not.
Any thoughts?
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Could be a little pride thing. When my W and I were separated, we each made it a point to say goodnight to the kids, EVERY night. It was an unspoken thing, but when she was going to put them to bed, sometimes she would call me to let me know and I would do the same.
By your W saying that it's not necessary to say goodnight to the kids every night, especially when they're so young, I think is rude. They need to hear and understand that their parents are still around and not just abandoning them. It's no wonder your W has a hard time with them. to them she's already checked out. They need re-assurance.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh yeah, and needless to say this is another example of her "do as I say and not as I do". It's okay for her to change the rules...just not you.
I don't think this was changing of the rules. She had said that the parent with the kids should do the calling, although she said that it doesn't have to be everynite as she doesn't want it to be an issue in the event that the other parent can't be reached.
So, unless she calls to complain of why I didn't call her, I don't think she is flipping the rules around.
Of course, now I'm stressing a little as I haven't heard from my wife at all today (no text, email, calls). I think this could be a first since she left.
I've got that crappy feeling again. I really have to work on detaching and dropping the rope.
ARGH!!!!
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
