I am having funny thoughts, have been for a while.
I dont know if I just detached so much or what, But I dont actually want H to come home, Just yet.
In the beginning I wanted H back no matter what.
Oh Im having trouble explaining this!!
I have realised, in hindsight, that our R was not perfect. I have realised that I didn't help the situation, with my resentment. I am not BLAMING H, however he had a lot to do with it. I have got used to being on my own, I am resonably happy. I like seeing H and dating him, however I dont want him home, it frightens me the thought of going back.
When we had our Talk, he said he was not sure what he was feeling and he wanted to just date for now, ( Think he was aorried I was gonna jump at moving him back home). When I said to him that I felt the same and I didn't wnat him to come home yet, and that I NEVER wanted to go back to what we had, I saw the shock on his face. He certainly was not expecting that.
Are all these feelings normal, or am I falling out of love ?? Yes I know the bit aboutb love being a decision, but, im just feeling confused.
SHE still works for him, Im not sure how to aproach that, cos I cant live with him knowing he goes to work where she is. Having said that I know he has nothing there for her, he has admitted to her being a symptom and I know he does not want her.
He keeps talking like a typical Person In MLC, the other night when we went out he said all his values have change, he no longer wants to be in a nice house, he wants to do stuff. Well we both agreed that kind of thinmg ages ago( Your house should not be your castle and all that kind of stuff) He is talking of buying a holiday home, something HE necver wanted to do, I Did Lol. He seems to be lost in direction, because next thing he says he wouldn't mind moving out in sticks abit to get a bigger house, Make sense ?? NO, lol but what man in MLC does ?
Oh Im rambleing now, But Im a bit lost too, Im not sure what I want.
Any one else had these kind of thoughts when they started dating again ?
I think for most people, the relationship past was unhappy. I'm sure you've seen or read where someone says, "I don't want the old relationship, I want a new better one."
When my husband and I first started dating, I began to notice new things about him. And I was feeling more confident in myself. It worried me that I wasn't ready for him to come back in. But people on this board told me this was perfectly normal.
And I'm happy to say that now I'm ready for him to live with me again!
I think I know that really, Just need reasurring. Funny that, I have noticed things about him too.
Its frightning, because when you first start to DB you just want them home, then you get a whole new lot of feelings and its like you are a newbie again
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Hey hows your Atkins diet going, I did that for a while.
Sue, I'm so happy that you and your H are "dating" again! I'm not in the "dating" stage with my H, but he has started teasing and being playful more often, which I hope are good signs! But, I do wonder if sometimes I want my H to come home yet. I have grown to like doing what I want, I do miss the friendship we shared. But I think we all have doubts and it seems to be normal. Afterall both us and our S's have changed and we have to get to know each other all over again. Deb
Hi Sue Have been reading your threads glad all is going well for you. I think you are actually in just the place you should be now. As Michelle says "The relationship should be the icing on your cake, not the cake itself". The detaching is not so you can stop loving them, but so you can stop needing them.
It's a different way of loving someone, and its not exactly what most people would call an ideal kind of love. The general idea is romeo and juliet, I can't live without you. But that is an immature kind of love based on your feelings. How they make YOU feel. The things you need should come from within, self validation or inner peace as they call it. You don't need him to be complete. You just like him because he is nice. Just like you don't need chocolate.
Now you are freer to be yourself you can tell him how you feel without worrying what he might do and that is the basis of good communication. The thing is that detaching isn't a technique to get your H back but how you should be living your life. Your r is better now because you both have the space to be yourselves. You want to keep that going.
I think you are right about him not moving back in yet living together in a small flat is not the best environment for an r. I remember the dreadful fights my H and I used to have when we lived together in a small room, and really we had no problems in our r. It was just so intense being cooped up together like that, little things got blown out of proportion. You couldn't walk off into the garden and calm down.
The way you feel about your H has changed. This is a time for the two of you to get to know each other again. Take it slow and keep detaching. A book I like is Life and How to survive it by John Cleese and Robin Skynner. It is based on the work of Robin who is a family therapist and looks at how the most healthy families behave. Guess what? They aren't dependant on each other they are there because they like each other.
BTW re your H MLC when I first met my H I was only 17 and I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. I kept changing my mind, often to rather silly ideas. He is 10 years older than me and it is his life's dream to stay in the same place doing the same job forever. He was very supportive to me though, let me do whatever I wanted, never laughed at my ideas however mad they were. Eventually I realised that I didn't want to go off somewhere exciting and achieve amazing things. I stopped feeling like I had to prove myself and realised I wanted to spend my life doing the things that make me happy. Ordinary every day things. A job which I like but isn't exactly a brilliant career. A nice little house. Spending time with friends and family. Most of all being with my H. It took me ages to realise this and I tried out quite a few things before I did. But now when I look back I always think how grateful I am to my H for being so nice about it all.
Quote: Now you are freer to be yourself you can tell him how you feel without worrying what he might do and that is the basis of good communication. The thing is that detaching isn't a technique to get your H back but how you should be living your life. Your r is better now because you both have the space to be yourselves. You want to keep that going.
This is all so true.
I have so far managed to Validate his MLC stuff, and I must confess, I my self have been a little confused what direction to take, in as jung put it " the afternoon of life".
I think I will print your reply off and keep reading it, I find it all sinks in better then.
Excellent post Jiji, you resume in better words an advice i gave to RMC a minutes ago... Feeling better about ourself is the key... we are with them bc they makes us feel loved not bc dependancy... and we need to demand and express our needs withput fears. bc now we know we can make a life withput them, and be happy and realize withpout them...!!
I went to the party Saturday night, H had suggested that he would Pick D up from the party she had gone to and he would bring her along later.
I got to party, All my family were askinmg where H was< I told them he would be here shortley, ( My family all know about my DBing, dont fully understand, but have strongly supported me) Some of them are not happy H had an A, but for me, because I have asked them all, have forgiven.
So when H arrived, My BIL went up to him shook his hand and said " alright mate, Nice to see you" I think H felt emediate relif from that. Then one by one they all gradually said hello, My Brother cracked a little joke by saying " where ya been ?? H laughed and said I been about. I had to bite my lip and not say hmmm thats the problem.
Any way, I think H was pleased that the family had not rejected him
Funny bit
We left the party, once outside, H didn't know what to do, he had his car , I had mine.
I said you coming home ? He said oh ok then
We got home, I made coffee, D went to bed, H and I sat on sofa. After coffee, I said you going or stayin? He shrugged his shoulders. I said is that yes or no? He shrugged again lol ( twit) I took cups in Kitchen, came back in and said so u decided? H said : well I have my contact lense xase in car. I said: Oh yeah why s that ?? ( grinning) H said: just in case Then In morning, H was meant to be going Boat show, So I asked if he had clean clothes. H said yeah in car I said: what exactly have you got in the car H said : Overnight bag Lolololololol. Anyway H eneded up being to late to go to Boat show things happened made him late. After we lay there and I asked him, so was you gonna buy a boat ?? H said Im seriously considering it. I said: Have you won the lottery? H said No and laughed. any way the next bit is all complicated of how he would have the money for the boat so i wont go into it, However It did bring up issues that made me realise H has been spending more than he should, He has always been a saver .
I told him if you feel you want to buy a boat then do It!! Then I suggessted he think about the reason he sold the last one tho. H said, I didn't have enough time to go out on it. I said: do you think you will Now ? H said: Ill make time. I said: the problem is H is you dont turn Nothing dowm, you cant do iyt all. H said I know I said; this is half our problem, I said, You was never here H and I built up so much resentment for that. I said I tried to accept it, Because I didn't want to rock the boat, so On the surface I accepted, But deep doen I resented it. H said: I Know I said: I have learnt though, I will never do that again. I said: If I dont like something I will say. I then said anyway dont buy boat today. H said Why ? I said cos it all depends wether we have a future together. H said, so what you are saying is if we get back together, you dont want me to have a boat today. I said : Know thats not what Im saying, You just analyzed that all wrong. I said What I was saying is, If we have a future together, I want to help choose the boat. H Said : Oh I see. He then said But you dont like sailing, I said H we just had a bad experience that I didn't like, I never said I wouldn't ever go sailing with you again though. I said you decided that. Then I said. Do you think we have a future together. H said, Do You?? I said : ohh you always do that, answer a Q with a Q, Its my Q I asked it first. H said I dont know. I said : what Are you Questioning about Us ? H said, do you think we have future? I said : If both of us are prepared to change yes. H said: I dont think I want to change. I said. Maybe not change, but I want to drop my resentment. But I cant do that if you continue to keep me at bottom of the pile, I need to be at least no2 priority. H said : I dont know what I want sue, I just dont know. I think I shocked him here I said : I dont know what I want either, I said a few people including My daugters have comented on how happy I am latley, and I have been happy H, I have found me again, and I want to keep me. He said have they. I said yes, Its nothing to do with you, its to do with the sitch, how we had both got, I was unhappy and I hadn't realised how much. H said. oh. I dont know how I changed the subject after that But I did, somehow, and I had a backslide. I started non about OW, asked him why he chose, such an ugly one. H said do we have to go into that, I sadi Just somehing thats bothering me. he said why have you changed subject to this? I said Im sorry, I didn't meant to rake that up. ooops Anyway after all that he was too late for boat show. I tried to push him to still go, but he wouldn't.
Anyway, I feel there were some good points coverd and maybe some bad. I think we have done quite a bit Of R talk latley, I feel I need to back off from that, and make it all fun again.
Oh I forgot, I did say to H if we ever get back together, we need to change our lifes, I cant go back to what we had. He said yes I agree with that.
Anyway, if you have read all this, lol thanks, bit long I know.
Hi Sue I think you are right you should def lay off the R talk for now. Next time you see your H you should tell him this eg "it's all getting a bit heavy recently, so let's not have R talk now but just enjoy each other's company" or whatever. You are right you mustn't go back to what you used to have. Keep on finding ways of making yourself happy. I think it was a mistake to say if you are to have a future together you would like to help choose the boat (too much pressure). The best thing would be to express an interest in his boating and ask if he would mind you coming along to the boat shows. There are a lot of signs he does want to be with you and make things work(overnight bag!, visiting family, trips out, him trying to talk when he clearly doesn't like talking much), but if you push too hard you may scare him off. Hope you keep posting I like reading your posts.
things happened 