I never thought he would ever leave us. He would always say that he couldnt imagine living without us. I really dont think they were just words, I truly believe he meant them.
That is exactly how I feel. I'm just shaking my head. I genuinely thought this would never happen to us. It never even occurred to me to think about this happening to us. We've never even talked about not being together. How does this happen?
Renee, I have my doubts as to weather MLC is an illness. I know that I am in the minority opinion here, but I really question it. I think people grow tired of thier life and take off to get another one. I do believe that people think they have "missed out" and they end up making fools of themselves, but I don't think its an illness. Anyway, Renee, you must move forward with your life and rebuild it. Please don't sit around and wait for him to "snap out of it" For if you do, you will be alone.
I think people grow tired of thier life and take off to get another one. I do believe that people think they have "missed out" and they end up making fools of themselves, but I don't think its an illness
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Hey BH,
I think many of us, if not most of us have had moments when we have thought about a new life. We get tired of our daily mundane life and think that there has to be something better then this. The difference is that most of us are mature enough and responsible enought NOT to act on it.
It takes either HUGE balls or mental illness to actually act on it and walk out the front door when there is no reason to leave your family other then simple selfishness and self entitlement.
For me, it was easier to believe that my H really had a mental illness. Partly because he really was nuts and had become the complete oposite of the Man I married. Partly because it was easier for me to cope believing that he wasn't in his right mind.
I also think that had my Husband been able to come to me and tell me how unhappy he was, and wanted to work on the Marriage rather then running away it would have been easier to handle. Then throw in the OW, the lies and the deceit.....
This is the part that none of seem to be prepared for, the bomb.It just comes out of left field.
It used to make me wonder how I could have been so blind and not seen the changes or check the cell phone bills, or question some of the things he did.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I am not convinced it is a mental illness either in the true sense of the word. My x completely changed especially in regard to just abandonning his kids.(7 years before he tried to seek them out.)
He did the sports car,(yes it was red) gym, new clothes etc, spent loads of money and got himself a OW, BUT he kept down a demanding job and even managed to get himself head hunted and pass all the tests, so...
The only explanantion I got was "he wanted a new life and as the kids were grown he thought they had new lives too and he hoped in time I would make a new life, but he knew how hard it would be for me"
Yes I know and have read lots about compartmentalisation ! even so mental illness I am not sure. I so wanted to believe it, to keep the hope alive but I knew he had always had a selfish streak so eventually I gave up with the idea that this was an illness that he could recover from.
8 years on he seems to be ok with his choices, got himself the new life, married the ow and as far as I know (which is very very little) his life is great. I knew him from age 5 until he was 50+ so know all his childhood, family, friends etc, so no deep rooted issues that I could see. He just moved on, outgrew us all.
BND, In today's selfish world of "me" and me only, it doesn't take huge balls or an illness, it just takes a pair of feet. To top it all off, there is ZERO accountabilty for anything short of murder in our society. In the pursuit of self-happiness, anything goes. NAEJ, it sucks, no doubt, it seems to me that the LBS takes the worst of it in almost every situation I have read, but you have to move on and make the best life you can.
Renee, the OW was only about 8yrs younger than me. She had a colourful reputation! My x and his wife now live abroad. I have not seen him in just over 6 years. I have spoken to him about 5 times in that time. The last time to tell him he was a grandad,2 years ago. I have moved on and have a life but no there is no one special in it. My children all live away but we have lots of phone calls and get together when ever we can. They all have busy lives and is how it should be, but we are close.
Renee, Everyone on this board and in real life is entitled to change their minds about things and I changed my mind a while back about your h.
If you obsess about everything the way you do him and his behavior and his future bride, I can certainly understand why he's not in contact w/you. You've got to get a grip on your thinking...you've got to start focusing on the here and now and leave the past in the past. No one knows your h, nor do we know what he's thinking or why he actually left you. There are only two people who could give a good guess as to this and that is God and your xh. We cannot predict what the future will hold for you and your family, but we can say this....you need to get a life and start focusing on something other than him and what he's doing....you are divorced and need to start carving out a life for you and the boys without him in it.
As far as dating goes, from what I'm reading every day from your postings, you are far from ready for the dating scene. No one wants to sit around and listen to you prattle on about your xh and what he's done.
Please schedule an appointment with a therapist. You definitely need some assistance in understanding that you've got to let him go and go on w/your life now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly I agree with you, and I appreciate your time you put into your posts to me. I respect your opinion. I know people can change their minds, I understand. I think about my xh but I dont think about him as much...I dont think. It is true that I have not let him go completely. I dont know if I have read about anyone on here that has let go completely to be honest. Some of the ones that have a new person in their life, well maybe those have, but I dont think the majority has...unless its someone like yourself. It's so hard to do. Snodderly the reason I keep asking about MLC and WAS is I get mixed up about the two. I know was walks away and some say never look back. BH says because my xh divorced me so soon, this, in his opinion, makes him a was. I have tried goggling WAS, but all that comes up is was and mlc together. This confuses me, it makes me think they are one in the same. I know people say MLC stays confused. My xh has showed signs of both of these. I guess it all boils down to this. I am scared that we have zero change if he is WAS. SO, I am praying that he is in MLC, which really is just as bad. Regardless this is my way of thinking. I am trying to hold onto anything that may give a chance for us to reconcile. Also, I dont see my xh, so he has no way of knowing that I talk on here and that I am still "obsessing". I think as far as he thinks, I have accepted this. Plus, I really dont think he cares right now, the only thing I see him caring about is his new woman. He has given up, friends, his hobbies and more for her. She most be the most important thing in his life right now. I pray for him daily. I want to stand sooooo bad. I am trying, but at the same time, I am getting out and doing things. I do have fun and laugh again. I just come here to post about my xh. I will try and start posting things I have been doing for myself lately. I AM doing better, but I DO still think alot about him, and I do still wonder what happened. Snodderly to tell you a little bit about me and my personality...I am the type of person that hates to lose at anything. This includes arguments, games, sports etc. I DO NOT give up easy. I DO NOT like something to get the best of me. I will study study study until I figure something out. I think that is what I am doing with my sitch. Agree? I also CAN NOT stand it if someone is upset with me or dislikes me. It bothers me SOOOOO much and I dont know why. This comes into play also with my xh. I would rather be his friend then not anything at all.....EVEN after what he chose to do. Is their a name for this? Why am I like this? Is anyone else like this? I will sit and dwell on something til I figure it out. See what I mean??? I cant let it go. I want to, but its like I have to figure out what went wrong. I have always done this throughout my life in different areas. I dont know if its the dective in me or what. I am a Scorpio and Scorpios are best at being dectives. lol Anyway just wanted to try and let you understand me a little better. I WANT to get better and let go for now. I hardly EVER stay home at night. I am always going somewhere or doing something. I dont like to be at home, because when I sit, like I am now, I think, think, think and then I come here to write. I am getting very tanned. I am trying to lose weight...this is ALSO HARD! I work and will soon be starting school. I am trying to do some Photography again. (I hadnt picked it up since this all happened) I visit friends and go out to eat. I am trying to enjoy myself. This Friday, my son will be 19!!! I can not believe it. He has grown up so fast. I miss him being a little boy and needing mommy. He does however, still kiss me on the cheek from time to time.lol I love it too! My nephew is getting out of school soon, so we will hopefully get to do things together. My son is still looking for a job. His dad is trying to help him out, he says. I sooo hope he goes to college. I want him to.
Thanks again everybody for being here for me.
Hugs, Renee
P.S. Snodderly I miss the Archives. Have you heard anything?
I also CAN NOT stand it if someone is upset with me or dislikes me. It bothers me SOOOOO much and I dont know why. This comes into play also with my xh. I would rather be his friend then not anything at all.....EVEN after what he chose to do.
Is their a name for this? Why am I like this? Is anyone else like this?
It's just insecurity eating you up. Everyone desires social acceptance.
Your NEVER going to please everyone all the time. That's just life. Your fighting a loosing battle there.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
