WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

This is not a put-down. You are getting the DB script, the ideas, and putting them into play. But, it takes a long time to go from understanding and doing them to making them a part of you. Again, not a put-down, just a fact.

Wifey,

Thanks for taking the time to read all the posts - I know how much time that must have taken ;-) I'm always amazed when I reread my threads how long my posts are. They don't seem that long when I post them. No worries about your feedback. I recognize that people do not take the time and energy to offer feedback as putdowns. I take them as valuable feedback and and cherish the fact that people take their valuable time to do so. Only people who care would do such things.

I do acknowledge that I wouldn't have made these changes if it wasn't for my wife dropping the bomb on me, but I am making my changes for me. I really do not liked the person that I was that caused so much heart ache for my wife, for me and my boys. I had stopped enjoying life and was living for the sake of living and dragging the family with me along that road. I had really shut myself off from my wife and friends. That's the biggest part of my 180. To enjoy life, not just live it. To enjoy the moments/experiences/journey, not just the destination. To focus on the people around me, not just the things.

As you read in the posts, I was so focused on the things/destination, that I completely shut out all the people around. This made my wife feel isolated, unlovable, unrespected and unimportant as I was more concerned about getting there or the thing than who was there to share it with me.

I am making these changes to be a better person for me and to be a better father. Do I expect that it will make me a better husband as well? Yes. Do I want and hope it is as the husband to my wife? Yes. Do I expect that if I do those things that I will achieve that goal? No. I hope and want it, but I really do not expect it.

Does that make me any less committed to saving my marriage or my changes? I don't believe so. I am committed to my changes because I do not like the person I was nor the way I lived before. My wife was right, she had challenged me everytime in the past where I said I was happy, I loved her and I do not understand why we were going to counseling. She would always challenge that that I was not happy. We would then argue about that. Never getting to any resolution or moving forward. I see I wasn't happy. I was comfortable and felt safe and secure. That is not happiness. I had thought by making my wife feel comfortable, safe and secure by giving her things, she would be happy. I was wrong.

So my 180/changes are really to make me happy and those around me. That includes my boys and if it includes my wife, even better. You are right though, it does take a lot of time to make sure them truly part of me. I do slip up at times/often. Difference now, which is why I post so often, is that I do look back and see them. I try to learn from them and keep them burned in my mind as reminder for the next situation.

Nothing happens without hope and 100% commitment. It is a huge risk to walk the rails of the roller coaster and risk the greatest hurt you've ever felt rolling over you, sometimes over and over.

A hunch tells me you are man enough to live in the grey zone vs the B&W zone.

Now for the nuance, you are 100% committed, but the W doesn't know it. She assumes you are already moving on. You will be the calm in the storm for her. She won't know about your commitment to your M and her.

I actually had to reread this several times and I'm still not sure, as a DAM, that I get it.

I couldn't imagine that my wife doesn't think that I am 100% committed to saving the marriage. She had thought when she felt that I stopped loving her that I gave up on the marriage, which is what drove this heartbreaking decision of hers.

What makes you think that she assumes I'm already moving on? How do you think I should get her to know about my commitment to her and our marriage?

So I guess the answer to you question "Can you get the nuance and DB, while being realistic it may not work, and still be that committed?" - no I don't think I get it.

Please be gentle with your 2x4's :-o

[Coach]

I couldn't imagine that my wife doesn't think that I am 100% committed to saving the marriage. She had thought when she felt that I stopped loving her that I gave up on the marriage, which is what drove this heartbreaking decision of hers.

You need to imagine why your W felt that you stopped loving her. Your W desperately wants to be loved, she still is not getting it from you.

you are 100% committed, but the W doesn't know it.

Maybe try thinking about what your W could be wanting from her man? Change your perspective. You can handle it.
Cheers

[AlexEN]

I couldn't imagine that my wife doesn't think that I am 100% committed to saving the marriage. She had thought when she felt that I stopped loving her that I gave up on the marriage, which is what drove this heartbreaking decision of hers.

You need to imagine why your W felt that you stopped loving her. Your W desperately wants to be loved, she still is not getting it from you.

you are 100% committed, but the W doesn't know it.

Maybe try thinking about what your W could be wanting from her man? Change your perspective. You can handle it.
Cheers

Coach,

What if the only thing WAS wants from LBS is the one thing that's hardest to give -- the D?

-AlexEN

[MrBond]

"I do want my wife back, but am not hopeful that will happen. The closest analogy I can make is like winning the lottery. I do hope to win, but I will not be planning my future based on winning it. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to play."

By thinking that way, you're not 100% committed. It's like you're setting yourself up for failure and even expecting failure. To stay committed, you have to remain positive and have faith. Faith that you're trying your hardest and will succeed. Your success will either be from saving your M or in the knowing that you've tried and become a better person for it.

You will need that faith and commitment because if you think this part of the process is bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. Your feelings will go through so many more ups and downs, you will need your faith to serve as an anchor through all of it.

That's what you need to decide.

[The Wifey]

I couldn't imagine that my wife doesn't think that I am 100% committed to saving the marriage. She had thought when she felt that I stopped loving her that I gave up on the marriage, which is what drove this heartbreaking decision of hers.

What makes you think that she assumes I'm already moving on? How do you think I should get her to know about my commitment to her and our marriage?

So I guess the answer to you question "Can you get the nuance and DB, while being realistic it may not work, and still be that committed?" - no I don't think I get it.

Please be gentle with your 2x4's :-o

My 2x4's Always come padded.

secret decoder ahead (normally this is if I told you I would have to kill you info for women's eyes only):

The whole point of GAL and PMA is to make the WA blink. Wow, LBS is so upbeat and positive, hmmm am I doing the right thing here. I was so sure, now I am questioning it just a little. Am I so easy to get over?

LBS is so happy apparently, and I still don't feel all that great. WTF?!

She assumes you've given up by watching you. And you are doing really great at it. But then your actions are going to create cognitive dissonance. (Do a google search or use the search function on this site.)

And, you let her know your committment WITHOUT any words. With actions.

Any clearer?

[The Wifey]

And, to add to that, when the GAL and PMA are really and truly for you and not just for the reaction of your spouse - they are really unsure of themselves.

Combined with your positive changes they look at you with new respect. You become interesting, different.

With a heaping helping of friendship - things can happen.

[confusedinpa]

You need to imagine why your W felt that you stopped loving her.

I don't have to imagine why my wife felt like I stopped loving her. I know what I've done in the past made her feel unloved/unlovable.

She had written the lyrics to "Buy Me a Rose" in card last year that really summed it up. She wrote the Kenny Rogers version, but the Luther Vandross version really summed it up: "He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants; But it tears her apart ‘cause nothing’s for her heart".

I ignored her, took her for granted, shut myself off from her emotionally, didn't spend time with her, made her feel like an after thought, only touched/talked to her when I wanted sex, made her feel disrespected, etc. It really makes me angry at myself when I type it up and re-read it. I didn't realize I had been doing those things (pretty crazy, I know, but I really didn't realize that was how she felt). Pretty bad stuff as I look at it with a fresh set of eyes in the rearview mirror.

So in short, I was incredibly selfish that she did everything that kept my love tanks filled, but I didn't keep her's filled. I thought I had, but now I know I hadn't.

Your W desperately wants to be loved, she still is not getting it from you.

Coach - like many of your posts, I've reread it many times and this point really made me think.

She had said, even right before she moved out, she sees many of my changes and said that they were just physical changes. I really didn't understand fully what that meant, but think it may be related to the point you're making. She still doesn't feel loved by me. Maybe she's not letting herself feel loved by me or what I'm doing isn't showing her that I really love her. I'm really going to have to think through this one some more.

How do I show her that I truly love her so she will feel loved? That is a question/point that I would really welcome some input on.

Maybe try thinking about what your W could be wanting from her man? Change your perspective.

Coach - another thought provoking point.

My wife says that I still don't get her or understand her. I had asked what she had meant by that and she says that I still can't sense how she feels or what she needs/wants. I thought this was a communication issue, but I think Kittyfish summed it up very nicely in her post

"What I wanted to see was a partnership- someone who valued me- respected me- and most importantly someone who wanted to meet my needs. Someone who listened to me and took the time to intimately know me. "

Again, this is another one that I really need to spend more time thinking about.

Thanks for dropping in and offering your guidance.

[Coach]

What if the only thing WAS wants from LBS is the one thing that's hardest to give -- the D?

Alex, If you truly believe that is the only thing your wife wants from you then why not give it to her? She doesn't want anything else from you? That sounds kind of absolute to me. If it's true what will you gain from hanging on to someone who truly does not return any goodness to you? You can still love someone without anything in return but to expect something back would be bad for your own self-care.
How would you respond to this question if it was asked to you?

[Coach]

"What I wanted to see was a partnership- someone who valued me- respected me- and most importantly someone who wanted to meet my needs. Someone who listened to me and took the time to intimately know me. "

CIPA, If you can get this you will be a happy man. I promise. Not one time does it mention what she will do in return. It's all about her. To a man that sounds kinda of selfish doesn't it? It's actually selfish (fearful) on our part not to treat and cherish our wives this way.
Reread what KittyFish wrote. Hang in there brother, you can handle it.

[confusedinpa]

But then your actions are going to create cognitive dissonance. (Do a google search or use the search function on this site.)

And, you let her know your committment WITHOUT any words. With actions.

Any clearer?

I thought I was getting it but had gotten lost until I googled congitive dissonance. What I couldn't get was how do I let her know my commitment without any words? What are some actions that would do that?

Thanks again for helping a DAM through his own ignorance.