well, all i can say is, its a true pleasure to watch a relationship die and know its really dead. its not a pleasure to be denied and truthfully, can be worth the risk.
the fantasy, if allowed to live on and continue in the mind, can do so much untold damage, and you will not reconnect to your wife any quicker. she still holds him up as prince galahad in her head.
sometimes we need to be strong enough to let people take a fall, and hope that fall happens - with a few well planned and thought out ideas to rush it along of course. I would rather compete with a dead and buried relationship that failed than the ghost of mr or mrs perfect, in their mind, because they never had to do it rough.
worth at least some thought.
winning is good, but winning in the heart and soul by truth is ultimately more worth it than winning thru force alone - tho I am the FIRST PERSON to admit a measure of force is needed for self respect and healing; but if you already know about the affair and you have already decided in your mind to beat it and forgive it, then deciding to make that extra step to take a big GAMBLE in life that its going to mess up on its own given enough time and rope, isnt a bad option.
I would rather have someone want me as a first choice, not a second choice. and if i knew i was second choice, I would want to walk away. And ultimately, thats exactly what can and does happen in relationships where an affair was outed and dealt with hard but not finished.
eventually 2 things happen : 1) the cheater still pines over their 'lost love' and 20 the spouse gets really tired and finally, begins to get angry. that isnt adding up to a great start at a brand new life together.
but thats not for everyone. everything i say is subjective and must be weighed accordingly. you have to know whats right for you and your own partnership. im only pointing out some perils. and some options. thats all.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
everything you say is true, but beleive me, its a rare thing INDEED for a woman having an affair to break off ALL contact with the OM straight away. Really even if she claims that its probably unlikely, bc shes now got guilt over the OM. ALSO, men HATE LOSING (now I know you know this) and so, the OM is generally jacking up and acting all hurt and horrified and disbelieving, much like oh, a married man would!
so hes asking questions and asking does HE have a chance in fact hes asking everything a SPOUSE does. the OM is just as addicted to the wife as the cheating wife is to him. Its nice to think its all just sex with the OM, but seriously, thats rarely true. The ugly truth about affairs is, they tend to grow tentacles of emotions and fantasy, and thats hard to let go of. The wife tends to seek 'closure' and 'forgiveness' from the OM. YES ITS DANGEROUS and its scary and not fair to the H. but H should just accept this is probably the case - and for a SHORT TIME - try to ride THRU IT - because guess what??
phych 101 Pup, the OM is gonna turn into the SPOUSE; hes going to whinge and whine and bitch like no tomorrow and guess what, hes going to get ANGRY. if you are a SMART MAN, it might be best to just let this happen. Let it come to a nasty end. Do you see what im saying?
OF COURSE we would all PREFER our spouse immediately ceased contact with the OP right NOW (and we all demanded it. we are, after all, humans.) but dont let the knowledge that probably didnt happen drive you insane - because quite frankly, better the OM undoes himself and turns the relationship SOUR and into a BAD memory.
thats what I mean about
LETTING THE OP DO YOUR WORK FOR YOU.
it can be done if your smart and can hang thru it. believe me star crossed lovers are sickening. better the two of them face reality and hard conversations and sadness and tears JUST LIKE YOU DID. let the REALITY begin and the FANTASY die.
yea you have the fear it'll start up again and it MAY, but overall, the tarnish is setting in - wife is lying and clearly is telling her SPOUSE and FAMILY she wants it to work - no more fantasy about the hard done by badly treated woman who desperately needs to be saved.
get it?
Im going to add here that with no sad nasty ending, your wife will be JUST as uemotionally unavailble - possibly for a longer time - after all she has the FANTASY that will live on doesnt she. soemtimes a nasty end is the best thing that can happen... for all!
absolutely agreed. you have to be smart an work smart and be fairly confident that its wearing down. that the contact is certainly NOT happening as much if at all. ie it can pay off, if you have made your demand, shes agreed (however reluctantly) and you have either confronted OM or she had TOLD OM its over
(btw I would never do it unless I was reasonably assured that HAD HAPPENED.)
but if if it has and shes back and OM knows your now a contender again and shes SUPPOSED to be working on her marriage and HE KNOWS ALL THIS...
then learn to overlook the liklihood they're still emailing for a while. it'll come to a bad end by itself and its not a bad thing. ie dont freak out about the idea - not in the early days - dont or she could run again - play it COOL and hope hes becoming the SPOUSE and acting out. he probably is
remember you wanna look like the preferred good guy... *rubs hands and looks shifty*. and there you are saying "HI HONEY how was your day?" and rubbing her feet after yet another argument with OP for freaking OUT about her choice...
so sad for OP right.... not
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Fighthing fit, this is so confusing..you see this guy she is talking too she has known a long time. She has always had guy friends prior to our relationship and throughout our relationship. It is possible that something happened at one point but know she is talking to him for support. This does not make it any better because she is not communicating with me and trying to make things better with me. This is where my confusion comes in. So he may not be pursuing her anymore and waiting to fall on his face to screw up..This is the dilema I am thinking now...
M:35 W:36 M:10 yrs T:11.5 yrs C: B7, G3 ED: 3/09 DB: 3/20/09 Served 12-8-09 Still going through the process
OK... correct me if I am WRONG but didnt you say this guy is like, states away, so, therefore, one would suppose, the chance of getting physical isnt that huge.?? no/yes?
its all about physicality, I dont care how huge am EA is at the end of the day if it cant get physical its GOING TO COME TO AN END, sooner or later... thats just our biological makeup
i think yes you should be INSISTENT it ends I think yes you should make some hard core threats about MAKING it end (ie outing it, talking about it, confronting him). THAT MIGHT be enough. in either case you have to deal with it, and try to bring that to a head for your own peace.
i do think you have to be firm and tough but I also think you have to give her the chance, if its only EMOTIONAL and SUPPORT as you say (and it might be if hes far off) to give it the chance to die a natural death. but you have to do both things at once - be really FIRM and STRONG in telling her she must END it and COMMIT but also be forgiving and understanding of WHAT HAS PASSED as long as it ends.
to be totally clean with you I think in these situations of EA's that are UNLIKELY to develop above fantasy (ie distance) to just firmly demand it finishes or you confront and expose the entire thing to all... including to HIM... it can be frightening there is no doubts. so you can TRY it but you have to be really strong about it but not in a really "im going to get you" way. just in a "im fighting and prepared to fight hard" way. and DONT expose ANYTHING if you think SHE IS REALLY TRYING.
you seem to think she IS. if you do and you know hes miles away then yea it might be best to stop harping on it but keep insisting you want it over, and that you expect it to be over, rather than just hard coring and exposing it all RIGHT NOW. i wouldnt until I had threatened to do so a fair bit to see if that scare alone worked, in your sitch. it often has great results.
shes not responding to you bc shes still attached but it doesnt mean the end of all hope for you, shes a human being it takes time to detach from someone, but if you are the one THERE and consistent but not BEGGING, then where is HE, an EA can only carry on during communcations not during EVERY DAY. you win in that regard.
dont act needy dont act desperate act like "this is it or else". be a man about it. call her bluff! but dont go off doing something rash like say, telling her parents, when it MIGHT end just with the bluff. then she has something to be grateful for doesnt she. and so she should be.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
but if if it has and shes back and OM knows your now a contender again and shes SUPPOSED to be working on her marriage and HE KNOWS ALL THIS...
then learn to overlook the liklihood they're still emailing for a while. it'll come to a bad end by itself and its not a bad thing. ie dont freak out about the idea - not in the early days - dont or she could run again -
FF, with all due respect, I think you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. You cannot simultaneously warn LBSs on here about the dangerous conflagrations of affairs, and also say "learn to overlook that your pyromaniac wayward spouse is playing with the matches a little bit again."
Just seems incongruous to me.
It's also a physiological fact what happens when contact is allowed to happen -- even e-mail, even something BAD about their formerly-wonderful OM/OW. The brain's endorphines re-fire, and then the withdrawal "clock" in his wife gets re-set back to 0:00 again.
Contact is contact, and it's damaging to the marriage, and her deceit about it is even more damaging -- in my opinion. Wildfires do eventually "die a natural death," but sometimes it's only after doing unimaginable damage and destruction.
and soz to disagree pup but yea I think distance makes all the diff - you CAN decide to discern to be more relaxed and patient if you know its not an "easy" fix for them to be together you can afford to give them time to 'end it', tearfully or not - as long as they DO. im not saying 'allow' anything. heck no - id demand it ended - what im saying tho, is to not drive yourself INSANE about the thought they might be still saying their sad goodbyes - have a bit of tolerence IF the wife has shown STRONG SIGNS of ending it and you know that. that is all
but ok no if this guy is prevalent in your life you better confront him; tell her you intend to; then do so. make demands. its completely disrespectful to you. its not right for you as a man and no you should not be putting up with anything or tolerating ANYTHING when there is so much room for contact. no one should ever put up with that... there is nothing but her word to go on and the word alone isnt enough when physical contact is easily had.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
I want to thank everyone for the info they have provided...After praying and reflecting on this I have decided not to say anything about what is going on. I feel that I need to stay positive in this situation and if I make her feel threatened in anyway she will shut down even more and the progress I have made thus far will have been wasted..She is fighting her own demons inside right now and I don't want to add to that...I will keep everyone posted as to what progresses, so please keep me in your prayers as I go on this journey hopefully towards reconciliation with my marriage..
Thank you and God Bless
Jeff M
M:35 W:36 M:10 yrs T:11.5 yrs C: B7, G3 ED: 3/09 DB: 3/20/09 Served 12-8-09 Still going through the process
OK. I think you're making a big mistake, but OK. It is only when waywards feel "threatened" that they DO anything, actually. But if this is what you feel led to do, after prayer, then I respect your decision.
