Rough night of sleep, and rough morning. Starting to get some perspective on things as the day goes on. I will be filled with regret regarding my M for a long time. My primary focus now has to be to forgive myself and let go of the past.
It's so ironic. We were finally able to really connect. In many ways, it was best date we've ever had. I didn't for a moment feel that wall that had existed between us for so much of our M.
Time to move on. I have to figure a way to detach from her while still co-parenting. It's not going to be easy...
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten about you. Just been sick and out of touch, but plan to get caught up on your thread. Take care and I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Another interesting little twist. Last night my W called to say goodnight to the kids, then wanted to talk with me. She asked how I was doing after our talk the night before. I said I was fine. I could hear noise in the background, and I asked where she was. She replied she was at this local bar getting some wings to go. This place is my main hangout with my friends, so I jokingly said "Hey, you're on MY turf!" She said "It's Monday night, no one you know is here. This place has the best wings, I've loved them ever since you first brought me here." Then I joked again and said "Now you've got me wanting wings." She said "Come and join me, I'll be happy to share mine with you." I was a little thrown by her frank invitation, but the whole thing was so friendly, I just said "Yeah, ok, I'll be over in a few." My parents are visiting me, so I was able to just leave the kids for a while. I didn't tell my parents where I was going, as they wouldn't have been happy about it.
I arrived at the place, and she was sitting on my regular stool. I said "This is just too weird." She laughed. I said "Do you know how many hours I've sat right where you are?" She replied "Bitching about me, I'm sure." Then I laughed. She said "I miss our friendship." I said "There are a lot of things I miss about you." I got a very touching look back from her. Then we talked about random stuff for a while, no R talk at all, and no talk about the past. I'm planning some international travel for my job, and she said she's living vicariously through me, so she wants me to tell her all about my trips. We talked about the kids some, of course, like how I have no idea how to fix up the girls hair, so they always look like tomboys when they're with me. She said just make sure it's brushed and it's fine.
She asked if I told my parents where I was going when I left. I smiled and said "No." She replied "Smart move." We were having such a good time, I said "I think we should plan a secret meeting every week that none of our family or friends know about." She laughed and said "They would kill us if they found out."
We finished our food and drinks, I offered a game of darts, but she said she had to get up early. So we wrapped it up, she paid, and we said our goodbyes. No hugs, nothing at all.
As opposed to how I felt after our previous dinner, I felt totally fine afterward, and feel fine now. I'm probably screwing up by letting her cake eat like this, but I miss her.
You feel fine right now because you had a "fix." IE, pleasant time with her. Did her OM know she was with you? Your parents didn't know where you went. Kind of clandestine. A little meet up.
Just don't pin your hopes on anything right now. Give yourself time and continue to detach.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Yes, I agree, it was all weird and secret, and probably not a good idea. I'm sure she didn't tell OM about our meeting. I did have a feeling like "turnabout is fair play," as in I can play this game too.
On the one hand, I feel like I've joined the sleazy game I hate. On the other hand, she's my W, so why should I feel guilty about meeting up with her? These were the kind of things that were fun when we were dating.
No, I don't want to get my hopes up. I just got my confidence back, and I'm enjoying how she's responding to it. Not a great way to detach. Having the walls down around her is just so appealing. Keeping those walls up was exhausting.
I'm not deluding myself that this means a whole lot. She's lonely and was happy to have company. In many ways I feel pretty detached, as in I'm happy to have other plans that don't include her, but I can't deny my connection and attraction to her.
I think you are doing awesome. Why are you quitting? Because she said she's moving on, there's no chance of reconciling? You believe her? Just keep playing Joe Cool like you have been. I think you are completely confusing her. That A will end. And you will be there to pick up the pieces or maybe you won't, but if you aren't, it's by your choice. Don't quit yet. Just lay low and keep watching. Keep being you. Maybe the next time she asks you out, even that spontaneous, say no. Be apologetic and say no.
Thanks for the encouragement stillloveshim. Something inside of me agrees with you, but I know I'm risking a whole lot. If I could get to the point where I truly am okay with it either way, that's when the power will shift my way. Then the risk is essentially gone, and I can be myself fully and not be wincing at the thought of her saying something about OM or our getting a D. I think I'm close to being there. I'm not sure if spending time with her is helping or hurting.
Only you can judge that. Judge it by how you feel, not by her reactions. How do you feel, what do you see, take notes in your mind to think about later.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Hi Future! I've not posted on your thread before, but something about the 'clandestine date' made me wonder if you could pursue your wife as if she were single. How would you do that? Pretend, perhaps, that every guy is in competition for your W, not just OM. Isn't pursuit and seduction part of the dating 'game'? And you have a lot in your arsenal. It's almost unfair to the other guys. Anyway, just another perspective for you to think about.
In my sitch, after about 6 months of trying to get him to end the EA and reattach, I just told my H that I was done (I really was) and actually do want the D and that, in fact, I was looking forward to being single again and in my own place with daughter. Then, we told the children, and daughter and I proceeded to discuss openly how we would decorate 'our' house, etc. H felt left out (this took a few months), ended it with OW on his own, and asked for reconciliation. That was 5 yrs ago. I won't say things have been great --- I still wonder if I did the right thing in reconciling --- but, my family is together, and I think he does try in his own way. But, it is harder to reconcile than it is to get them back. It's like a dog chasing a car --- if he catches it, what does he do with it?
Take care and good luck.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks for the input BeingMe. You know what? I've been thinking the exact same thing. My W considers herself single now, no question about that. She has very strong feelings for OM, but she's realistic that their future is a long shot. She apparently enjoys my company, and misses my friendship, but is in no way ready right now to move our R forward. During our dinner, she briefly mentioned the reality of us "dating" other people, and she wasn't referring to OM.
During our dinner, my W expressed to me that she has transformed into the person she was always meant to be. She said she is healed from wounds that go all the way back to her childhood. I have to say, she is very different. She has a softness and vulnerability to her I always longed for in our M. She wasn't angry at me anymore. She said we were both "damaged goods" when we met, which is exactly right. She is very excited about her new self, and I can tell she wants to experience life from its perspective, and I think that includes seeing how men react to her.
I made it VERY CLEAR I was interested in her as a woman, left no doubt about that! The fact that she would invite me out the very next night is interesting. I think I make her feel desired now, which is one big way I failed during our M. Also, I think she finds me attractive again, six months ago she said in no uncertain terms that was gone in her. I also know she respects me more now than in many years. So I guess I'm making progress. I need to just accept this is going to be a long journey, and as stillloveshim says, just keep watching and waiting. I think for my own mental health, I need to see this as just one possible option for my future, and not hold back regarding other options too, as in dating other women. I think that's the only way I will be able to meet her "eye to eye" as this progesses.
Perhaps I do have some advantages over the other guys, but I also carry a LOT of baggage in. She will see other options as new and exciting for a while, until she finds out the grass isn't so green in her situation (40+ years old with 3 little kids).
I really need to get to the place where I'm confident and secure in myself regardless of what happens. I'm coming to the realization that's the key to this whole thing, no matter which way it goes. Can I hear a resounding "Duh!"?
As a small side note, I met her briefly at the grocery store this evening so she could say hi to the kids, as she agreed to let me keep them longer than usual due to my parents being here. She didn't say hi to me, and she would barely look me in the eye. There's the pullback I've been expecting!
Anyway, just another perspective for you to think about.