Its ok to be grouchy. Right now I'm feeling like an A, #1 beotch.
You do a whole month's to do at once? Hmmm, I've never done that. The most I plan for is one week at a time as far as chores go. Then I break it down into days.
I could only wish my H would go to Retrouvaille. We had a chance at two different times and he wouldn't go. Take this as a positive, ok?
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Naval types with a historical bent will understand when I say we're still @ Battle of the Coral Sea phase here. Midway (and Stalingrad) are still a ways off...
Just make sure you are the Yorktown not the Lexington.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Now how can I get my W to hear a little hint about Retrouvaille? hmmm...
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I have already figured I need pretty clear signals before I would suggest Retrouville type stuff. LIke "ok, I have changed my mind let's make this work" type clear signals!
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Well it has been a looooonnnnng day [so long that I messed up that previous post!]. Not much noteworthy to report, so just some quick bullet point type journal updates and a convo:
1. Saw WAW off for work this morning. "What's on your agenda?" she asked. I have a lunch, I told her. "Ooooohhh, a lunch." Clearly she assumed it was a date. It was a GAL, but not a gal, but I let her assume. Bit o' mystery won't hurt her. I didn't lie -- I DID have a lunch.
2. Later a.m. WAW called. A couple of administrative things. Then somehow transitioned into divorce talk. Initially a bit unsettling; she was all moto for the Big D (don't mean Dallas) again. *Bing*! Somehow she manages to bring my lunch into the conversation (bwah-hah-ha!).
3. Later that p.m. WAW e-mailed to inform me that she's serving me by mail tomorrow [now, now, no sympathy votes -- I knew it was coming -- it's all good], for which I thanked her for the heads-up.
4. Replied to WAW's e-mail asking when did she want to set up appointments with mediators? She replied asking why I seem to be in such a "rush" to "move the ball forward"? Re-replied that I'm not in a particular "rush" per se, but that seeing how she's expressed her feelings of being overwhelmed and not knowing which way the wind is blowing, I thought I might do what I could to help relieve some of those stressors.
5. Kid function at school tonight. We sat together, no problems, got along fine. I arrived early to grab seats and was checking the location of a fencing equipment supplier (need a new foil) and wasn't familiar with the town except by name. WAW arrived, sat down, saw me on the eye-phone. Asked her, Hey, where's Some Valley Suburb? She knew and then said, somewhat archly, "What, isn't that geographically desirable?" Huh? "Geographically desirable. I mean it's a lot closer than where you went to lunch." Again with the lunch! Clearly she thought I was planning another date! With whom, I have no idea.....
6. After kid function and kids to bed, WAW came downstairs. I'm on the sofa (right now actually) geeking on the laptop. Chit-chat-chit. Follow-up on the e-mail. I basically repeat my re-reply from earlier in the day verbatim.
WAW: "I'm only serving you because the court date is coming, and if I don't the court will call us in for me to explain why."
SP: Yeah, I get it, no worries -- I'm good.
WAW: "Once that's done, these things can, you know, languish forever."
SP: [Sticking the knife in, just a wee bit] I'm sure. But in our case we won't fiddly-fart around, will we? We need to get you situated. It's nearly 4 months. I can't keep dragging you down like this.
WAW: "True, I guess, but really I just want to get settled in my place. Just clear my head. Get these guys [kids] under control. And then..."
SP: "Then"...what?
WAW: "Then...I don't know, I mean, we talked about going to this weekend thing [ah, so now we've "talked" about Retrouvaille!]. Maybe we'll see other people. You're clearly there, what with your lunches and all" [again with the "lunch" meshugass! and now it's "lunches"! Ol' Bill's gonna laugh when I tell him we had a Man-Date today!]
SP: Of course, I mean -- that sort of goes without saying. I think my position on this is clear. By the same token [twisting the knife a skosh], you did ask me back in March to commit to being open to the possibility that you were right and that you're not the right one for me.
WAW [unconvinced]: "Yeah, I did. But still. Anyway, it's moot now."
SP: Maybe you ought to just consider some regular old, USDA choice, non-committal sex.
WAW [laughs]: "So far no one seems interested."
SP: Well I wouldn't say "no one" [winks].
WAW: "Hmmm. You know me; I can't just have sex. There's got to be a little something else there. I think that's why it got so out-of-hand with me thinking about Signore Shmuckatelli. If he'd been a stranger it never would have happened that way. But because I knew him I thought he was safe. Stupid. Now there's Former Boyfriend, and he's really being open to me, but that's not...that's like an old shoe. Nice. Comfortable. But just a nice, comfortable old shoe. Not like a spiky heel."
SP [smiling while doing that devilish one-eyebrow-up thing]: You know -- if it's spiky heels you're after you, ah, don't have to look far.
WAW laughed and went upstairs to work. I keyboarded this thing and set the coffee machine and hied myself (he wrote in the past tense though the event is in the future) to my own sleeping zone.
You know what's funny? Well, not funny ha-ha, but funny funny?
When I look at Herself, I totally see my wife. I feel love for her. I feel powerful sexual attraction for her -- more powerful, indeed, than for many many a month. I have to check the "honeys" and "sweeties" as they try to leave the mouth. When she's near me -- and she likes to do this close-physical-proximity thing, much closer than she used to before -- I have to physically restrain the arm or the hand from reaching around her or patting her bottom.
Yet simultaneously I can totally see her as my ex-wife. I can easily imagine myself with someone else.
And that disjuncture, that disconnect -- it causes me no cognitive dissonance, no pain, at all. I'm reminded of people who have near-death experiences and relate how they felt like they were floating above themselves, just watching the docs do their thing.
But that's not what's funny to me.
What's funny is what it implies for one's "done-ness." MWD writes that when Mr. or Mrs. is "done," they just ignore Future LBS. And in retrospect I could see that in WAW's behavior after around, say, Thanksgiving 08.
But either I'm not "done," or my done-ness is of a different order of magnitude, because I'm intensely interested in WAW and WAW's life (though not, I believe, in a pursuing/obsessive way, just in a curious, I like-this-person and I'm-interested-in-what-s/he-does kind of way), and I'm perfectly happy to see her and engage with her.
But neither seeing nor engaging seems -- these days, anyway (always prepared for the roller coaster to return) -- to make me any less "done" or weaken my "done-idity."
