OK for men with wives having an affair, has OM...

[blindsided1]

Interesting. I think the point of no return for me is when I found out he got OW pregnant when I was giving birth to our first child. A child we had to go through infertility treatments for (both our issues). Then boom she's pregnant and he tells me "Don't you ever wonder that if we were really meant to be together, it wouldn't have been so hard for us to get pregnant?" That was it for me. The sad thing is, I don't think he thought he COULD get OW pregnant. Nobody is even sure that it is his son. But.....

WAS don't realize that sometimes...there are things you just can't take back. I think he knew I wouldn't recover from this new baby. Maybe that's when he truly gave up too. I'll never know.

[K4D]

FightingFit,

This is very insightful. Alot of what you described was exactly what my W was feeling when having her affair. She said she was addicted to OM to. She created a private blog for just him that she would post her fantasies to about him that he could read. She constantly thought about him. I was nowhere in her mind. She was just angry and defensive with me. She said she only regretted the timing of sleeping with him, but not actually sleeping with him. He is 9 years older than her, an athlete that is built, married, and does very well financially. He is witty, charming, and not a coward by any means. He is a tough guy.

W said she had the best sex with him ever. He blew her away. She was totally engulfed in him. I know that she still is in contact with him. We are separated. I have an apartment and she is in the house.

But, she has recently told me that she is going to be going out with other guys. So for her it isn't just the one hot passionate A. But she told me she isn't planning on sleeping around. For whatever thats worth.

So you are saying 2 years at least from the start of the A? Or 2 years after the A is over? In the mean time I am not built with muscles which I guess I have to start doing. Oh, and this really kicked off when she got her awesome paying job and didn't need me financially anymore.

So you think serious regret will kick in then at some point but not anytime soon? She has always said she doesn't live in regret mode because life is to short and so far I have found that to be true for her. I don't know if she is your typical female.

Your post was just really really insightful about the whole thought process during the A. So much of it seemed like my W during hers. Nobody could get through to her in any way at all. And she hid it for months although gave off enough suspicions in her behaviors that I finally was able to uncover it. She was thinking she was going to marry this guy who is already married. But that didn't happen. Now and only this past week she has been nicer to me for the first time in 9 months. But still not having much to do with me. But she is friendly in our encounters this week.

How will I know when and if regret or guilt is starting to set in with her? I have just seen no signs of it yet. Like everyone else on here, I just want to win her back with time. She filed for divorce on me even though I told her I was willing to work through the A. She didn't want to work through it with me.

I'm glad you posted this stuff. It gives us all a really good look inside the mind of someone having an A that probably most of us had no idea what was really going on in that mind.

Kevin

[FightingFit]

well I have made a ton of mistakes. She has a friend that has dragged her into divorce! This "friend" has been in one for over 2 years and my ex has talk me down to almost everyone, I think partly cause she thought she was loosing me before we split but she was wrong and no one can tell her otherwise.
Completely blinded and thinks I am only doing things for me.
If that was true I wouldn't want to be with her kids and love them as I do, so far she has had at least 3 failers with OP and one didn't even want to meet the kids!!! All the while knowing that I was a commited stepdad! If thats not enough of a wake up call then what else could be... This was her choise.

Also she does these little feelings checks with me and I will not allow that anymore. I don't think she really cares, and I think she misses me, I am the only one who has ever loved her the way she like to be and maybe fighting that everyday so enough is enough for me, she has let her out of control feelings run everything, I can't save her or the kids at this point she will not have it.
I don't know how she will take it but I have not contacted her for anything again for another 2 weeks and have to get out. I think she knows something is comming. Sad thing is I see she has things in our room cards from me notes I have left for her, she doesn't remove them but has them placed around the room!!??!?! She can't be any kind of friend and I wish I could be that in hopes of being the better choise but so far I have proven over and over that I am and she still continues the BS.
I won't make a threat I am simply going to leave, I may leave a note explaining that I don't want to see her at all. after I move. The kids have been so hurt by her actions and grabs at anything to place the blame. They will pay the most! I will try and keep them a part but will ony do that through someone else as well. No need for he to know about me anymore, she has not shown that she cares to anyway....

Paul everything you said in this post is great. Its great for YOU... yanno we spend so much TIME fighting for our marriage we forget about our health, our mental WELLBEING, how we ARE, and we can become so depressed and in such a bad place that we end up seriously, seriously in trouble. WHen your in "crisis" mode, which you are when you are "fighting" for the marriage, your only focus is ON fighting - it isnt on your own wellbeing only what you WANT to happen, and you truly think, because of the PAIN, that if this ends and she returns to me and I WIN this, then the PAIN will go away and I will feel better.

The truth is otherwise actually in a lot of the case; once the euphoria passed you would still be left with the damage inflicted upon you and you would still need to deal with that, not bottle it up inside or ignore it, and a big part of you would feel so hurt and mistrustful that you would have a hard time letting it all go.

So decide right now to begin taking care of yourself! as a NUMBER ONE PRIORITY! because guess what - SHE is.

[FightingFit]

Mr Mom... I understand your regret over your failures in your marriage. And its commendable too. AND so healthy and necessary that we see them and see our part in a marriage breakdown.

But ONE thing you ALSO need to consider is this - you were always that way and for a long time she was fine with you BEING that way, it was clearly acceptable enough for her, and part of your personality, a part she didnt like sure but we all have things we dont like in our partner (bad temper, nasty silent treatment, not listening, we ALL have them.) REmember that when someone has an affair, they will do and say anything to justify it and no i am not saying they are LYING, those issues ARE real, but they are also used to camoflauge and explain BAD IMMORAL BEHAVIOUR and you have a RIGHT to point that out at all times in a loving way.

ie "I hear you saying I never listened to you and I was emotionally absent and I agree, and I believe I am working on that very much FOR MY OWN SAKE - but it doesnt excuse you for having an affair and trying to walk out on this marriage with another MAN before trying to work out our marriage."

you can only apologise and grovel so long for mistakes made in the marriage - if they are not prepared to accept your apology and take A RISK ON YOU to see if you really ARE trying to change then ask yourself (and THEM) this! "Why is is you were very ready to take a dangerous and RECKLESS and IMMORAL risk with this MAN, when you are not prepared to take a risk for ME and our MARRIAGE?" it is a GOOD question and its a VALID one.

Other things to point out to the cheating OW: if this other man is so supurb I wonder why he finds it ok to be a homewrecker and not WAIT FOR YOU? ie I beleive if he were a REAL man he'd want to be sure you were making the right choice and surely he'd want to have some INTEGRITY and tell you to not COME BACK til it was OVER. says a lot about what kind of man he is?!?! do you WANT that kind of man? if he did it with you he can do it TO YOU. better hope a sexy 19 yo doesnt come prowling!

Absolutely yes shes going to regret her behavior and for sure not giving it more of a try with you but the point is it can be all too late by then for you, if you move on emotionally (DETACH) and then its too late to regret anything anyway. And heres the kicker Mr Mom: your working on yourself now and is she FULLY PREPARED to take the risk that another woman might just end up with ALL HER HARD WORK (and thats exactly what happens yanno!)

regarding the fact you were always emotionally absent so you wonder if going dark now is good for anything, your probably right, i would guess she 'tests' you. but the point is you should tell her "no testing. you want to know how prepared I am to change and how much I want to be different then you be my wife to see that change, because its not fair to ME to make me express how I feel to you when you dont care". and it isnt, either, is it.

in your case... you might think of expressing these thoughts into a compassionate, logical letter to her; make it warm and loving (demonstrating your change!) but not whining or begging. give her some points to think about.

then leave it in her court. work on you. love your life as much as you can. put your head down and one foot in front of the other. one day you'll look up and the worst is past.

[FightingFit]

kevin...

it works like this. When you no longer want her back and no longer crave to see her regret...

thats when it occurs.

thats how life works. She'll find out the hard way....

[pauld2100]

Your right!

I did go into fight mode. One thing I forgot to mention was in the beginning she was asking for sometime time, well this is where I really F'ed up! Instead of letting it be and being patient I was frustrated. She wanted to date for a while but told me there’s no guarantee that we would make it, well I did go out with her a few times and she kept me dangling you know?
So I was getting upset at this point and started to rebel myself you could say and didn’t do as she wanted and left her hanging a few times. Didn’t call her too much and cancelled lunch meetings with her after I had asked her to go. What I didn’t realize was she was trying to do something to rekindle I think, now that I look back. But also felt like she was just keeping me on a string. She was really happy about one lunch we were going to go to and I cancelled and she was upset after that I really didn’t think she wanted to go as much as she lead on but I think I was wrong.
I was reading signals and doing my best to not be a doormat and save our M.
I am pretty good at reading her but she was being a little elusive or maybe I was wrong about that. I had offered once to stay for three months so she could make a choice and so she could see what she was asking for.
She came back with well after three months and I see real change then we will see and added no guarantee again. This is where I started messing up bad! I didn’t do what she asked and continued to push or pull and get back home sooner, and not for only me. I knew she would have a harder time as well.
And didn’t want her to think I am just here at your whim. I was really confused by her actions at this point.
I was in no position to be dating her and taking her out to the nice dinners and special things I have done for her, I know this is a part of what she wanted and would love to have done that for her yet I was still in a battle of my own and little did she realize it was also for her and the family as a whole by getting through this lawsuit and getting back to work.
So I was coming across as needy, I think she saw my weaker side and I was at that point. I was upset myself for her expecting this while I was I somewhat of a crisis. I did want to get home as she has put it, but not for just me. I was also a bit worried about her meeting with that friend of hers. She was a divorcee and had run her husband off and started dating also so she was filling my W with ideas and I could see this clear as day!
So I made bad choices, said some stupid things and watched her get angrier. So at one point she decided she didn’t want to see me for a while and this is when she got on the dating sight, she didn’t tell me that directly just said she couldn’t talk to me for a while and I should move out. Of course this sent me into high gear again! I chased I tried to woo her and that just sent her farther away!
I know what I have done to mess this up….
Not giving her space and more…
I guess at this point I have backed off and she is still moving farther away… I am doing what I have to for me I really have. I can only see a few things that make me wonder if she maybe regretting this herself.
Will my going dark again do any good? Is there anything I could do to show what she needed to see with little to no contact…. Should I move and that would seem to be dark! When she says she misses me even after her dating others is this a good thing? Should I tell her what your H told you? And really hit it home that I am going to be gone?

I know I maybe giving to much info, If I am let me know…
I also want to thank you again…. I was hoping someone that has been on the other side would share so we could see what the real nitty gritty that was really going on with A’s and infidelity!!!!

[FightingFit]

yea the problem is paul we cant read signals with our partner anymore bc they arent the same person, thats why that fails so baaad.

and i know this stuff from experience, never read any of these books. thats the sad thing for me... but I wish I had them at the time.

I think its time you stopped asking if going dark would do any good for THE MARRIAGE and ask if it would do good FOR YOU. it certainly has for me; ive had time to do a lot of personal growth and thinking and self realisation/love/forgiveness.

in the end if the fight comes down to saving your marriage, or your SOUL, what are you going to choose, particularly if SHE isnt fighting for the marriage. see?

it feels like giving up - but in actuality, the crisis and pain becomes so acute that in the end its not about giving up on the marriage but in fact deciding NOT TO GIVE UP ON YOUR SOUL.

[pauld2100]

Yes I see...
Your right she is like someone else completly! It's been almost 3 weeks...
And that is where I am now... One thing that happened a couple days ago and I didn't think much about it. She had asked where I lived but I was pretty sure she just wanted to send my mail and I really didnt know the address by heart yet...So I didnt give it to her.
So I was going to store and there she was driving by on the main street... I think she saw me but not sure and she kept going, so I just passed it off as nothing but I was reading one of your post and you had said your H wouldnt give you his address and that had to hurt for you I'm sorry! So I thought maybe she was driving by the main street beause she didnt know my address??

Sad thing is the last time I saw her I had let a bit of frustration out and so left on a bad note and wish I hadent..As I was going she again said it's over so I just left....
As for the kids I don't know if trying to see them without her would be I good idea, It's so emostionaly draining to see them they sometimes ask If I am coming home and I have to give them the run around... I cant say anything about that to them...

I have a letter from her it was just after I left the house and back when she was still considering getting back togehter, If I can send it to you some how, I know theres a way to send masages directly but note sure how... I would like you to read it if you can, if you don't mind...

Thanks again, Your right I am detaching and being the man, I am! No matter what she says. If she doesnt notice then.....

Paul

[FightingFit]

...

try to keep seeing the kids. those kids are hurting too. If they ask you hard questions just answer truthfully but without badmouthing your wife. I know its a bit upsetting but it does get better, and kids really get scared thinking you will never see them again... or lessen the contact to practically just a distant relative...

right now you have to just live your life and do what feels right but at the same time respectfully to your wife and the kids - she might not act respectful to you, but you dont need to act badly just bc she is. you'll always be proud later that you were kind and always polite/civil and kind.

its early days for her to notice anything as such yet - this can be along process. it doesnt mean you should give up all hope or anything. it just means you need to be patient but also very kind and patient TO YOURSELF...

in the end theres so little any of us can do, to convince someone else they are making a mistake. it really is their choice to decide.

[pauld2100]

I was being kind and that day, I did simply return her anger that day not as bad as she was dishing it out but I did and knew right away it was wrong…
If I ask to see the kids knowing how she acts now she would do the opposite of everything I try to do… Even when they are asking to see me, I don’t think my sd has asked to see me but ss has asked me directly… I don’t even really want to talk to her so I will probably have to contact him myself and find a way to see him without her.. I really think she will find an excuse to not let me see him. That last meeting she was accusing me of coming to see her when he had asked me to come over…. See my dilemma? Seems anything she can find to stir up a fight and seriously it could be over any little thing that I do… No matter how kind or thoughtful it is….. I will have to do better at seeing them...