Maybe it is becomming clearer why the DB people say that this time is where it really begins to get hard.
We think the separation is difficult, but the rebuilding is so much tougher than we can imagine.
Hang in there and try to still keep your expectations low for BF. I know that may sound weird as you are getting back into a relationship where there is a perception that there has to be expectations, but try not to have any expectations on him to the best of your ability.
I would also add, if you weren't the "romantic type" of couple before and you are wanting that, talk about it. As you well know he didn't pass his mind reading 101 exam.
If you want something at this point to be different from before you are going to have to spell it out for him.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thankyou so much everyone, I would like to answer to you all, but I have to go out... The show is up and done ! And things continue to go brilliantly with bf, no major issues at all.
One thing I noticed.. the legendary forgetfullness of the WAS. So he keeps complimenting me now we are back together (he was obviously deliberately NOT doing that whilst we were apart! Its such a change).. on my underwear and my dress last night. BUT, these are things I bought LAST year when I was manically DBing him and he saw them then, including the underwear when we stayed the night 4 times last summer.
I cannot imagine, if he had gotton a new outfit last summer that I would NOW say, wow, nice outfit, as though I had never seen it before (he genuinely seemed to have not noticed). How wierd??
He doesnt seem at all depressed. He is sleeping more soundly now (when I am there!) and ML is frankly, flipping amazing. There are issues of lack of romance still,which I need to hint to him about as someone here suggested, but he did take me for a walk on the coast path last night hand in hand, which was lovely. But for now, I feel truly blessed. As M from Tennesse said on Kalnis thread, it really is just luck I think if your spouse loved you all along and decides to come back. A lottery. I was one of the lucky ones and right now, its like the past 2 years is fading away already, as though it was all just a bad dream.
You probably don't remember me, but I posted a year ago when I was going through a very similar sitch with my husband who was also depressed. I have been following all this time and just wanted to post to say how happy I am for you now things are (finally!) falling into place.
I do think you have been AMAZINGLY patient this past 18 months, in that time I DB'd, eventually gave up and have filed for divorce and am now seeing a great new guy. I do think it goes to show that if you are meant to be with someone, you will be. And you maintained that pretty much all along, and your loyalty to your bf has been second to none.
Keeping everything crossed for you that things will continue to flourish!
Lea
Me-26 H-27 T-10 years M-20 months First bomb-Feb 07 Second bomb-March 08
Hey girls! Lea, of course I remember you! I wondered what had happened, thanks for following my sitch and for your update. I hope you are feeling happier now, but I am sorry that you divorced in the end.
So.. I have spent the last few nights with him.. he wants to see me alot now. He calls me in the day, texts, kisses me alot. Makes alot of "MMMmh" noises and squeezes me. And we are back to where we were sexually right up to the night he left.. NOT like a new couple who are finding their way. So thats all good of course! And last night, we again were all entwined in bed, watching a comedy.
Its all so nice, but its sort of making me a bit angry.. because this is EXACTLY where we were when he decided to leave me. So what the hell was the point of that 2 years of suffering?? I know, he had issues to work with, I had fears to let go of, we have both grown and that is positive, but.. its all reminding me that we had a pretty damn good R just when he decided he wanted out!! And we seem to be back there now. Except I whinge less and listen more and he's a bit more of a grown up and more self possessed. Other than that, theres no discernible difference. How can he do it? Come full circle like that? With NO discussion!!!!
He is sleeping soundly now, whereas he hadnt for months, maybe the whole time we were apart. He seems relieved, contented, loving (but still a little detached, his own man). And I am beginning to wonder if he will ever talk about what went on. Maybe he doesnt want to/need to? Maybe its up to me to bring it up, if its important to me? I really dont think he has any clue of the devastation I suffered.
A classic ilustration of this was, last night, I said I see myself as tall, it confuses me when poeple say I am tiny, or petite, because in my minds eye, I am a tall person. He said that this was a good thing but its because I am confident, with good self-esteem. I joked, no, its because I dont have a full length mirror. But, I was incredulous.. he sees me as confident and possessing good self-esteem!!?? After what he did!? But then, perhaps he is right.. as Lea said, I never doubted we'd get back together, so I didnt waver.
I realised today its 2 years since all this began. When he worked on a big project with Helen and her company. Well, today he had to revist that site (he did tell me) and seemed nervous this morning. I took his face in my hands and asked him "Are you working with anyone else on site today?".. he said, oh yes, the Cornwall contractor guy Tim and kissed me. I dont think he realised I meant Helen, or maybe he just doesnt want to go there. So I feel a bit odd today, he may still be in contact with her, at work (probable) or outside of work (doubtful).. but he has still never even mentioned her by name to me and I still dont feel like I am ALLOWED to ask him anything. Thats nuts hey? But the good thing is.. its was ME he sat in bed with eating toast this morning !!!! Geuss just got to keep taking it a day at a time and see what organically develops..
I LOVE reading your thread and hearing all about how great BF is being.
I can completely understand you being angry, and I think eventually you guys will need to have a conversation about what happened. IMHO though, I think it might be worth waiting for a bit longer until BF is feeling even more secure in your love and your R. Once he's really ready I think he'll be in a great position to be the one comforting you and looking out for your wellbeing....
How did the exhibition go? When will you get your results?
L. xx
PS> I'm also a 'short' person who doesn't see themselves tht way. I'm always really shocked when people say I'm petitie because I think I'm a giant! BF is right- definitely a sign of self-estemm
You can read what you are going through now in DB or DR. You have sort of put your life, emotions and such on hold trying to get your significant other to "see" you, that now that SO is back, all of those feelings of yours come rushing back in. They have been on hold afterall!!
Just don't jump to conclusions. Make it comfortable to talk and I think you will actually be just fine.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey HUGE lady!! What's up? OOOOOOppppps, please dont answer that!!!
Patience. He is acting as if. It is easier to pretend he didnt harm the R or hurt you. It's easier on him. Harder on you but you will get that discussion, I am sure. Love ya K
