I am open to this, but I do think we need a little space and time to cool off a bit. I think it would be more productive if we had a few more days like yesterday.
Make notes of what worked. Make sure you give some space for her to move towards you. Be prepared for a little pull back.
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No, I don't see forcing or begging. And I don't want you to think that my pride, big as it is, would keep us from reconciling. I do feel that a lot of people including you don't give me enough credit for the feelings I have about what I've lost.... Just because we're in this situation at the moment doesn't mean that this is the result I wanted or that I see this as the only possible permanent outcome.
This is great.
Side note: pride, hates to lose = insecurity You not "being there" when her Mom died fed into that. Don't be her security blanket but her strong, dependable, secure husband. This is the friend she wants you to be. More later. You are handling it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@alive: My biggest fear? Hmmmm. Off the top of my head, I think it's that I'll have to redirect so much mojo to them -- and properly so -- that I will emerge in a far weaker position for myself, vis-a-vis coping with D. Like Charlotte in Charlotte's Web, I'll take the hit for them. Which is the right thing to do. But from a purely selfish POV does cause some concern.
Well, you're a lucky you know what it is.
I know you can handle it. See, I think I read somewhere that the mojo you generate when taking a hit for your offspring actually initiates major mojo production and you get double for your trouble. Seriously, there is NOTHING more mojo-ful than taking care of your kids. You can really embolden your sense of self by knowing that you have a very clear purpose right now. You are aware of what is driving you, that is so great.
From my perspective and dealing in generalities, you are being a stand-up "Man." Maybe try to look at it as a man thing and not as much of an eating crow thing...am I making sense? You are TCB.
I had no idea your mojo had fear also. This is good, actually. Maybe, just maybe, this isn't done? Maybe being a stand-up strong man with a sensitive side isn't so bad?
On your last thread you said I was frustrated with you. Actually, I was just trying to get you to temper the mojo a bit. It is when you give up totally that you fill a self-fulfilling prophecy to fail.
You are doing wonderful. Now give some thought to the possibilities. Can you have the same mojo if you aren't convinced you are already D? If you can't just be fixated on that and have to straddle the limbo pole a bit?
I'll bet you can. I have faith in you.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I agree with aliveandkicking. Taking care of others generates big time mojo.
Be a strong, confident, loving husband AND father.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Doesn't that go beyond "friend" and into tricky territory?
Nope. Loving is what a friend does. Sure, it will be "tricky", as you say, if the R is in disarray but that doesn't preclude either party from loving (Love in the action verb sense of the word).
Cheers ~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
For now, The Wifey, I think I'll continue to follow my adaption of the Spiers Paradigm:
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The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.
Knowing myself -- and I do, fairly well -- my greatest weakness, the thing that has done me the most harm throughout the entirety of my life, is Expectations.
One reason Herself got so frustrated with me over the course of the M (see Thread #1) was that from her POV I was a "swirling vortex of misery." Well I'm sure there's a rich field to be plowed vis-a-vis childhood on that, but as MWD says knowing what got you where you are only helps you understand what got you where you are. I so easily create Expectations out of all scale to reality that when they aren't met I come crashing down.
For now, I'd rather tamp down the Expectations and just go with what seems to be working. Day-by-day, meter-by-meter, step-by-step.
At a minimum, this will allow me to recalibrate, adjust, reset, revise, re-what-ever-I-need-to-do in the event things move Southwards without nearly as much psychic anguish as I'd have if I went through "but I was doing so good!"
