Renee, I suspect his comment was a projection as to what he's done. In the back of his mind that maybe you will find someone else and leave him alone and yes, appease the guilt he feels deep down for what he's done to you.
Ok Snodderly, I have a question about this. Everyone says to go on and to act "as if" we are happy and we are doing fine. If we do this, whether its true or not, doesnt that give the spouse a sense of relief? You say deep down they feel quilt, so if we have a life and dont rely on them anymore, and seem to be happy around them or when we speak to them, wouldnt that ease their quilt? Dont they NEED to FEEL QUILTY for what has happened?
Please explain, and thank you snodderly sooooo much.
Sun hi,not snodderly of course, but I can say in my own sitch of MLC the H claimed he wanted me to move on with my life but set things up deliberately in such a way id be so financially destitite id be too much of a burden for anyone - and I highly suspect his motives for that are to ensure I am single a LONG time. so nope, i dont think it makes them feel better I think they are SELFISH.
Snodderly (not wanting to hijack) but interested in what you said about addiction... my own h took drugs first time in MLC with OW. do you think thats a common thing...? yanno, i was more shocked re the drugs than i was her... (says a lot doesnt it...)
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Renee, lets just say for argument sake that he is in MLC. I have a question for you, what difference does it make? What does it change? All that I see happening is using that to make excuses and to enable his behavior. Sorry, just being blunt again! LOL Anyway, as far as "feeling remorse" trust me, these people will do every mean nasty thing that they can to you. If you get kicked out of your house or starve to death, they could care less. Its totally all about them and to Hell with everyone else.
BH.... do you truly think, in your oppinion... they ever regret it? I used to. people used to tell me so. now... im beginning to doubt that very much. I think they rewrite history to justify themselves and then live with that story... and I dont think they regret those lies. (ignore me. im depressed today.) but yea i often think that, now.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Fighting Fit, I really don't know, I think probably some people do regret it, but I think most probably don't and even if they do, they won't admit it. I am inclined to believe what you said, they rewrite history and live that story. Bottom line is you have to rebuild your life and move forward. I have seen so many people on this board just waste thier life sitting and waiting for something that will never happen.
Renee, I want to reiterate that I do not think your xh is in mlc. If you were to get the book that I recommended to you last month called "The Script", you would see that many wahs say the same thing and act the same way...no confusion about anything that they are doing. Your h isn't acting confused in any way, he may have for a bit at first, but he was getting his balance from walking out the door. Your h wants little or nothing to do w/you or the relationship. This is just my opinion.
Do a search on the word guilt in the archives and you might be surprised at the information that is there for your leisurely reading. Start using the search engine on this site and you will find the information that would be most helpful to you in all areas of the wahs and mlcers. Take advantage of the tools that this board offers...you may stumble across information that you've not given a thought about that may be beneficial to you.
Okay, to answer your question about guilt...the more you guilt them, the less they are likely going to want to be around you. When you "appear" to be moving on w/your life and not begging, pleading, crying, whining being clingy, etc., the more likely they will have some contact w/you. Think about it....if you knew you had done something twrong, would you want to be reminded of it every time you spoke to the person because the person is pleading or crying? I don't think so. He is acting like a kid who knows he's done wrong and doesn't want mommy to call him on it.
You have to remember that a mlc situation must be treated differently than a normal situation because you aren't dealing w/an emotionally mature adult. Again, I do not think your h is mlc. Whether I am right or wrong about him, you still need to focus on you and the boys and continue living your life as if he's not going to return. You need to start focusing on what you are going to do w/your life from this day forward and if he should return, then that is the time to worry about how you will deal w/his return....
FF, Addictions will come in many forms and drugs are just one of the addictions that we have noticed around the board.
Snodderly, so you are saying MLC and WAS acts the same way? Is their any stories on here about WAS returning?
BH and Snodderly, it matters because MLC is an illness. And it seems chances are better for returning if it is MLC. I guess thats what I am thinking. If he is a WAH than chances are he wont EVER be back, right? Right now, I dont know whether to date in the future, if anyone comes my way, or not. I want my family back sooo bad. I am sure you all understand.
Snodderly I will try to pick this book up at my library tomorrow.
Snodderly my xh has soooo many of the traits of MLC. He has done a complete 180. And in the beginning you even thought he was so much a MLC. You are right, he isnt confused about what he wants today. He doesnt want me in his life, and if he does want me just a tad, he is letting the gf stop him. This shows weakness to me. He has given up his whole life style for her. Thats why I was leaning toward MLC. Snodderly, or whomever wants to answer this. Why do you think his new relationship with new gf is so much different. Why do you think he is letting her control him and his life? When we first married he told me the first night we met that he was going to marry me and we fell in love. He loved me very much, but didnt let me control him. Everybody said he loved me very much and that he would never cheat on me. My point is, I know he loved me, but yet he didnt give up what he loved for me. (BUT I didnt ask him to either.), the thing is, this girl had to GROW on him he said and now he has become suddenly obsessed with her after their last breakup. If its not MLC than what is he doing this for?
When you "appear" to be moving on w/your life and not begging, pleading, crying, whining being clingy, etc., the more likely they will have some contact w/you.
Snodderly I quit doing those things 2 months or so ago, but no improvement from him on the contact. He still does not ask about me or call me or anything. So I am just going on with my life. Confused but moving forward. I will NEVER understand the one thing out of this, and that is the ANGER HE has toward ME?!? Dont understand it. He cheated, he left, but HE doesnt want contact with ME.
Just to let you know that I understand where you are. I am not even legally separated less divorced but my H has a huge amount of anger and resentment towards me. I have no contact with him and this does not move him to contact me. Yes, my H cheated and left and wants no contact too. There is no choice but for us to stand up with our dignity and our hope for the future and keep moving forward everyday, small step by small step. I am not sure whether my H is in MLC or WAS but either way he is not there at the moment and I need to try to live my life well. Its just a post really to say that you are not alone, I understand and please try to stay strong and full of hope for what can be in the future. For you and your son.
Please take care of yourself and keep posting. there are so many people here who are wonderful, offering and sharing there care and experience.
Thank you for posting. It makes me feel like I didnt know my h at all. I never thought he would ever leave us. He would always say that he couldnt imagine living without us. I really dont think they were just words, I truly believe he meant them. When he lost his job after 11 years on the force, he just never recovered, even though he put up a front. I stood by him and told him it didnt matter, but it did matter to HIM. When we seperated, he said he wanted to start over and wanted different companionship. This young girl is what I USE to be. I use to be skinny and full of energy at 26. Maybe that is what he missed. Sometimes I think maybe I should of tried to be full of energy more. Maybe I should have wanted to go out to eat every weekend. I wish I would have known it was this serious with him. I thought at one time I caught him looking on an internet dating site, but when I walked up he closed it. Now, I am pretty sure he was looking, but I didnt want to nag to him about it. Didnt do me any good not to nag did it. It's like I thought maybe a couple times he wasnt acting right, but then again I didnt want to NAG! I wish I could read about some WAH or MLC H's stories somewhere, I think it would help. Hang in there!
