Renee, If you had done any reading at all of the postings, current and the archives, you would have read that the other woman/man are part of his/her journey. They are self-medicating and if that other person makes them feel good, they will hang w/them. They are not considered the enemy, we are. In their eyes, we are the problem, i.e., why they are so unhappy.
During their journey in finding themselves, they will self-medicate, i.e., it could be booze, drugs, gambling, internet, porn, women, men, experimenting in alternative life styles, change in music, food, drink, clothes, cars, hobbies, etc. Their journey can include one or all of the above. They've gone back in time to a time and place where they were emoitonally stunted and have to grow up from there, which could include experimenting/dating other people.
In time, if he's in a mlc, the facade will crack, but it will not crack until the affair dies a slow death of its own. We cannot interfere in any way. The more we push and try to point out that what they are doing is wrong, the more they will defend the other person and stay w/them.. I suspect that if your xh does marry her, it will take a while for him to realize that his problems followed him and as they say, history will repeat itself.
In order for you to better understand what transpires, I would suggest that you go back and read and/or re-read a lot of the postings in the archives, especially those by MGoBlue. There is a lot of valuable information in the archives and I believe you will find many of your answers there.
BTW, I'm not being harsh, I'm trying to show you where to go to learn about these things on your own so that you can refer back to them whenever you have questions when posters are not available to come here and answer them for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly. I am terrible at expressing what I want to say/ask sometimes. I did read and I read alot still. My memory isnt what it use to be...honestly I cant remember anything anymore. I really need to get it checked probably. I just think its all I been through. What I was trying to say is, I heard somewhere that the ow/gf slows the progress down. Thats really what I was trying to ask. I know its part of the progress but someone once said that it makes their journey slower. AND, I dont think you are being harsh at all. By the way, do you know how to list all my threads? I would like to so I can go back and read some of what I wrote, when I first started asking questions.
I also wanted to add that my son had spoken with xh and son was saying how good I was doing, or something and xh made a comment "well maybe she's got her a man". I didnt expect a comment like this coming from him considering how happy he is.....why would he even care, right?
First of all I still don't know how to link all of my threads together, so I can't help you there.
Without being harsh, your EX's comment meant nothing, so please don't try and wrap your head around this trying to figure out why he says the things he does.
Renee, he doesn't hate you.
He takes things out on you because there is nobody else to blame for the choices he has made and you are an easy target.
Just stay out of his aim.
Don't do anything to provoke him.
The fact that your Son is still relaying messages back and forth shows me that you still have to work on this area.
Have a good day,
((((hugs))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
BH, what I want to know is how can they go on with their journey if they are living with another woman/man? My xh seems to be happy with his life. He must be, he has given up everything he loved for her. How can he see the problem he has living this way with her? I may have asked this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. I dont know how to look up my old threads. I would love to list them all but dont know how.
Renee, its all part of the same picture. As Snodderly told you, they regress to a different time, that's why you see the younger person, different clothes, working out, etc. I still think your XW is a WAS, not an MLCer. I say this because of the time frame involved, but I'm not going back there. Even if they come out of the MLC, which I think is tough to do, the odds of them returning to the former spouse are very slight.I believe that most people don't come out of an MLC, if they did, they would be mature enough to admit wrong, which the vast majority are not!
First of all Thank You BH and BND for your thoughts. BH, It has taken me a long time, several months, to realize I am living my life on my own now. I did not adjust well at first. It's true every day it gets a little easier, but I still have a bad day every now and then where it hits me in the face that my h walked off and left me and our son. I use to say to him, for unknown reasons, "dont ever leave me", and he would say "you dont have to worry about that EVER, I couldnt imagine how I could live without you and our son"...well what do ya know! Anyway, is the time frame the only thing you are considering? Isn't there more to consider? Maybe he is a was with a mlc mind??? BH, I know some do not come back and some do. I dont think there can be any statistics that are correct. I have met several people through work that have experienced this and most h/w wanted to come home and try again. Some got remarried and some wouldnt take them back. I dont know what GOD has planned for me. I dont know if my xh will wake up...I can only pray that our family isnt done with forever! I WILL NOT stop praying for my family to be reunited. (I wasnt screaming at you either.lol)
Without being harsh, your EX's comment meant nothing, so please don't try and wrap your head around this trying to figure out why he says the things he does.
You are going to scream at me for asking this but here goes. Why do you say it meant NOTHING? I know my xh and he probably was being sarcastic, like when he was when he told me not to ruin myself, when he thought I had been with another man. I laughed at him and said oh "like you have". (That was awhile back just so you know.) He thought I had been with someone and he was throwing it in my face and trying to say for me not to "go down that road" I have not been with ONE single person and dont intend to be anytime soon. Maybe it wasnt. BND do you say this because you think he meant nothing by it or because you know I will try to deciper it? LOL
Renee, His comment meant absolutely nothing....they say things off the top of their heads and nine times out of ten they mean absolutely nothing to us and they don't always remember what they've said.
I suspect his comment was a projection as to what he's done. In the back of his mind that maybe you will find someone else and leave him alone and yes, appease the guilt he feels deep down for what he's done to you. Please try to stop analyzing every word he says or his actions...they will make absolutely no sense to you, but to him they do. Why? Because he's the one that left and has issues to deal w and until he's willing to talk to someone about them, he will continue to run and make the same mistakes over and over again. You cannot help him.
You will never be able to figure out what he means or why he does the things he does....if it is a mlc, they do things based on emotion, not rational thinking. Go back and reread the threads, for we have talked about this over and over again w/others and yes, in the Archives as well.
Keep the focus on you and the two young men living w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First of all Thank You BH and BND for your thoughts. BH, It has taken me a long time, several months, to realize I am living my life on my own now. I did not adjust well at first. It's true every day it gets a little easier, but I still have a bad day every now and then where it hits me in the face that my h walked off and left me and our son. I use to say to him, for unknown reasons, "dont ever leave me", and he would say "you dont have to worry about that EVER, I couldnt imagine how I could live without you and our son"...well what do ya know! Anyway, is the time frame the only thing you are considering? Isn't there more to consider? Maybe he is a was with a mlc mind??? BH, I know some do not come back and some do. I dont think there can be any statistics that are correct. I have met several people through work that have experienced this and most h/w wanted to come home and try again. Some got remarried and some wouldnt take them back. I dont know what GOD has planned for me. I dont know if my xh will wake up...I can only pray that our family isnt done with forever! I WILL NOT stop praying for my family to be reunited. (I wasnt screaming at you either.lol)
Renee, you are right in the sense that one size doesn't fit all. I made the comment about your XH not being an MLCer based on what I have seen here. Is that 100% correct? Of course not, but the fact remains that he is gone and you two are Divorced. As for some comming back and some not, well, its been my experience that most do not. Again, your experiences are different than mine, perhaps its in the water of there in London, I don't know! LOL Seriously, based upon what I have seen on the board and what I have seen in life, I would say its a 5-10% chance they do come back, or try to. Is that scientific? Of course not, but when you watch and learn you get a feel for things and most people on here would probably agree with what I am saying, although they probably won't publically. Hope is a great thing, but you also have to look for yourself. Don't waste you life waiting on someone else, live it as best you can. As for GOD showing you the way, I have no doubt he will help you, but the bible is very specific about opening your heart to GOD. I don't think your XH has done that, not sure he ever will.
Ok guys let me see if I can explain. The main reason I want to KNOW if this is mlc or was is...IF this is mlc then MAYBE I will be able to understsand his actions a little bit better and I can go on with my life while standing for my family. If I knew it was WAS and he wasnt coming back for sure then I would pursue other realationships if they come along. Does this make sense. Most people here, especially Jack 3 Beans says to treat MLC like an illness. If my xh was sick, I wouldnt give up on him. BUT if he just honestly didnt want to be married then I would try to accept that better. He said that people were telling him he was in MLC but he says "why does it have to be MLC, why cant I just be unhappy?" well that is part of MLC unhappiness. Anyway I just wish I knew for sure. I only know what I see, his actions are so much like MLC. BUT as Braveheart has said, he left and divorced me very quickly. BUT wouldnt a normal person that was unhappy just want to go off get settled (which he has his own home)then date for awhile before moving someone in? And even at that, why would he want to marry her so soon??? I mean I am not in a MLC and I dont want to jump into a wedding dress. I will hopefully date but I dont think I will be getting married after only 3 or 4 months of dating? Is this the norm for people now days, to get engaged so soon? I do think my xh has anger because of quilt. I do think he feels some remorse for what he did, not only that but how he left me in the condition he did. Not a very good job and a house to try and pay for. I think part of him feels bad for doing this, but he is being pulled away by another very strong force. Therefore comes the anger and depression.
BH I do understand what you mean by him walking away and never looking back. BUT he has sooooo many traits of MLC. He is completely opposite of what he was like. He has went from being a 40 year old married man in a comfortable cozy 20 year marriage to a young man in a new relationship with lots of going out to eat, not buying new toys such as cars, but spending all his money on gf, working out, tanning, drinking some, (but not as much, I dont think), and taking off on a weekend trip here and there. NO FISHING, NO BUDDIES, NO FAMILY TIME, NO SON TIME, NO MONEY, NO TRUCK THAT HE LOVED.....NO Husband that I never knew!
