OK for men with wives having an affair, has OM...

[pauld2100]

Flight,
I have been reading back through allot of your posts! Very indepth reality about exatly what is or could be happening. Can you read back through my posts? You might see more of what my W has done and been through to get to this point? it would be great if you could, There is a page on my sitch there somewhere. As I read you posts it makes me wonder if I have exausted all possibilities? what you said about rebeling and how always being right about something! I have heard that from W before. I would agree most of the time but if I felt she was not listening (and she addmited this too) I would be pretty adimit about "doing the right thing" her complaints about how she was not happy also...
Even when I complimented her offten... There is more but you might see something I missed?

Thank you

[Jman]

Fight, what would you say about confronting the other person that the spouse is cheating with?? I know the other person personally too if that helps...

Jeff

[FightingFit]

Paul.... if I am reading your sitch right and your partner has cheated on you four times - do I have this correct? I have to seriously (but I hope compassionately) question why you want to be with someone who has hurt you so often. One or two mistakes happen... but more than that? it shows a reckless abandonment of wellbeing for not just you, but herself as well; I think it shows someone who is fighting a lot of personal demons, for a start, sexually; and also a very poor choice in men in general - perhaps Paul, you really ARE just "too good for her".

and perhaps deep within herself, she beleives that as well...

[FightingFit]

Fight, what would you say about confronting the other person that the spouse is cheating with?? I know the other person personally too if that helps...

Jeff

If you know this OP, PARTICULARLY if he was a 'friend' of yours, I think you owe it to your self respect to CERTAINLY make him have a very difficult conversation with you. But only do this if you are feeling calm and centered about it and weigh up carefully if it will help you feel better and get back a sense of personal power and self respect, or if it would only shatter you more. It depends; People get VERY emotional when the OP ends up being someone they know. it makes it all so much worse. An because you know them, your imagination is in hard drive bc you can actually 'picture' how they are together, whereas its all conjecture with a stranger.

If you choose to do this, you need to carefully prepare what you intend to say and not stray from that script. Its about getting YOUR feelings out, not his. His viewpoint is useless to you and hurtful to you. If you are prepared in ANY WAY to entertain a discussion about your wife and YOUR marriage with this man, you'll beat yourself up for ages about it (probably after beating HIM.) So you have to be very focussed on coming across forcefully and strongly and cutting off any of his excuses or blaming of you. because he WOULD try to get the focus off him, you know that right? Most people when pinned to the wall do.

One benefit confronting the OP has is that it does make things awkward and uncomfortable for THEM, the OP and the cheating spouse, and it also opens the OP's eyes up that your not some weakling lying down and just taking this; your fighting a battle and by confronting them, your donning the armor and showing your lance so to speak. That CAN make some OP's pause. Most OP's hope the spouse will just shut up lie down and GO AWAY. Their reasoning is "why cant they just accept it?" its their mantra. YOUR reasoning back is, "why should I accept it?"

On the other hand you need to realise your spouse is going to be furious at you, and how much damage that is going to do to your relationship if your trying to save it. Believe me all her comfort will be for the OP - I discovered that first hand when I did it. DO I regret it? no. Am I still married ?? NO. so by all means think about it but get a lot of views and come to your own decisions - in HINDSIGHT (its a wonderful thing!) I wish I had TOLD my cheating spouse I intended to confront OW. Really made it clear - then done it. I think doing it behind their backs infuriates them. Of course shes going to say no way etc, but at least she knows its coming - and so does OP. Let him stew for a fair bit; Id announce my intentions then do it a week later out of the blue.

If you intend to confront him never do so via email. Phone is good if you can. if its in person make it in a very public place, an if NECESSARY, have someone with you for support - not interefering or even listening but just there hanging back and ready. A brother for example. NEVER get physical. And if you think it might come to that then just dismiss the idea. Nothing would drive her to the OP more than if he was all beaten up on her behalf. Remember your aim would be to show your colors and ruffle up HIS feathers and confidence - not the other way around. By being calm collected and cold in your attitude, you demonstrate self control and derision.

then never relay to your spouse what went down or what was said - let OP do that, he'll change his story a million times and you going clam over it will drive her crazy. Just say "it was between him and I get the story from him". She'll go NUTS wondering what you REALLY told OP. And GRILL OP mercilessly. Let that give OP pause over just WHAT shes hiding and from WHOM. (she has lied to him, trust me on this.) Cheaters are always desperately scared of the idea of the beloved OP finding out some hard truths and then they end up with no one. (In reality, dont tell him anything at all, let her just imagine you might have.)

Remember first and foremost your message to OP - your so weak you have to eat off my table and take my leftovers. Because thats the basic and true message, to ALL OP'S. And I find its the one thats the most galling to them - the truth hurts.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

FF,

I have always been of the "never confront the OM/OW" school, for several reasons, but your posts have made me re-think my position. I'm beginning to think that IF you think you can keep your wits about you, that there might be some value in this, especially if -- as you say -- this is someone you know.

And I must say, the "evil Puppy" side of me just LOVES this whole dynamic:

then never relay to your spouse what went down or what was said - let OP do that, he'll change his story a million times and you going clam over it will drive her crazy. Just say "it was between him and I get the story from him". She'll go NUTS wondering what you REALLY told OP. And GRILL OP mercilessly. Let that give OP pause over just WHAT shes hiding and from WHOM. (she has lied to him, trust me on this.) Cheaters are always desperately scared of the idea of the beloved OP finding out some hard truths and then they end up with no one. (In reality, dont tell him anything at all, let her just imagine you might have.)

[pauld2100]

Sorry flight,
No she never cheated but we did seperate twice before. Last time I had left and moved out. 5 months later she was back. I did hold off for a while and she was doing things that helped. After we got back together I was hit by a drunk driver about 8 months after we moved in with each other. She was very respectful up untill about 4 months after the accident, I was permanently injured. The disks in my spin are never going to heal, as I went through this I started loosing my company I had built and was making allot of money at the time about 10,000 a month within the first 6 months of being back. She seemed more worried about the money at times and I was a bit suprised at her panic attacks and fear of what was going to happen. I was in a lawsuit and could only do what I was instructed to do by doctors and lawers. She didn't like the fact that I was in this sitch and I wasnt either but had no choise... theres more to tell you are really awsome for helping BTW

[pauld2100]

I guess at this point I wonder if giving her an ultimatum is a good idea, or just start moving and that will certainly be a big change! she is also struggling financialy as well as me. She has like I said shown very small signs and then jumps right back to her safe zone IE not getting back together! I was thinking of just e-mailing and letting her know I will be moving? she has insisted that I shouldn't come by so I will do what she asked. and let her know I am moving on... Since our last meeting, where I did get sucked in with her out of the blue kiss! She has not contacted me for anything so I am not sure what she is up to... Could be that she has found OP?!?!? She did for a while in the beginning check up on me but this has also slowly dissipted. I have called her out a few times on things that are so obviously disrespectful and that seems to have made her rebel more. One thing she used to pride herself on is being truthful, only when she was in the right frame of mind. But at the beginning of this slpit the excuses were all really just BS even when it was clearly not true... Like she was being driven but her feelings... She had to do this in her mind.. With her friends standing by her, also telling them what ever she did about my shortcomings. I never called her on that part, IE talking about me with other people that don't even know me. and some that do. I know she feed allot of negatives about me and when she was upset about something thats all they would hear! I was very respectful to her friends and never had a cross word with any of them... As for her feinds at work I met only a few of them for a total of seconds if I added it up...

Thanks for the help!!!!

Hope to hear from you soon, I see you have allot of intersted parties... LOL
Good work flight!

[pauld2100]

I believe you are right about my being to good for her! not to be conceited in anyway, just knowing my vaule... I think she subconciuosly knows this also and or is simply board. I did disconnect aslo before I left... And slipped a little.

[pauld2100]

I know my sitch is as bad as they come, I have read about allot of them that were in exactly the same thing. Even some that there WAS had fallin for OM/OW and managed to save it also. My W hasnt found anyone she is dating and looking for something else.
I have never seen her so upset.
In the first days crying about us spliting up and wishing we could stay together but at not long after started acting like this. The excuses were there also. Not doing the dishes and really petty things that were not justification for this.
I think she was worried I was not attracted yet we had a SL right up to the end, also complimented her offten. So emotional or physical or fiancial? A combination of things I think.
She asked me to prove things to her in the beginning and I was all about keeping us together and she simply got more upset, I was only tring to keep our family together but she see's my intention as "me getting my way" I did fear loosing her also and that showed through. I simply didn't want this to happen. So this was not like she just started having an A just went nuts and started dating, with the other divorcee girl after we seperated. She even gave me warning, so I went into panic mode myself. Every kind thing I did or attemt to rekindle was noticed a little at first but after she got on a dating sight it was like she was gone in mind. Not worried about me to much at all, and what I was doing.

[Veryconcerned]

Fighting Fit or anyone else who has some insight:

Can you check out my posts under Newcomers and give me some insight?

I need your guidance, please!!! WAW? is the post name.


I am not sure how to thread or anything like that.

Thanks!