< Maybe it is a guy thing of not wanting to speak anymore with our X's Maybe. I think its due to the extent of hurt and betrayal caused you. I've gotten to thinking that way after giving the W over 2 years of my sincere hope that she is not the scum bag she turned out to be; now I have no doubt about her. She once said "let's be friends". What???
I don't think it's so much a guy thing. I really struggle with talking to H. Most of me would just like to tell him to F off and never come around. We have D's though. <Sigh>. So much for the easy road for me.
If you still miss your H (and I know you do) you aren't ready to date. I was taught that I should always wait a month for every year I was with someone before dating again. I don't have any clue where the time frame came from, but it always worked for me with boyfriends. It gave me time to sort out my stuff before moving on. With this mess, I may need more than a month per.
It's not a guy thing, it's called human nature. True men and women communicate/think differently, but when it comes down to it, there are some things that can only be chalked up as human nature.
When someone you know, love and have been w/for some time does the things that they are doing, it is very hard to digest the information. They become foreign to us because the behaviors are so out of character from the people we knew. We've been hurt and rather than lash out at them, some of us tend to step back and just not have that much contact w/them and when we do, it is uncomfortable talking to them for they are different in personality and yes, we aren't even sure how they will react to what we are telling them. So, no it's not just a "guy thing", it's the same w/both sexes.
If you are still missing your spouse a lot, then you are not ready for the dating scene. You first, need to find a way to heal and accept that he's gone for a while, in some cases forever, and then find your balance once again. Once you can be happy living on your own and like the person you are, then you are ready for dating. You do not want to carry all of your old baggage into a new relationship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think it is easier to just step back. They are totally different, many times irrational and emotional and extremely self absorbed. The LBS is the last person they will listen to in most cases anyway and there is a level of discomfort there. You have no idea what they will say or do next.
I like to look at them like a unpredictable tornado. If you were to see one coming are you going to try to reason with it? Pretty pointless. Just get out of their way, and let them whirl.
Guys I would love to play video games or watch a movie with my son, but he has never been one to interact with me.
Don't take this the hard way. I chalk it up to age. My girls are 15 and 18 and used to do everything with me. Now it is not "cool" to be seen with your mom. They gave up on their dad too. When they go in a store with him, they make him walk around by himself the opposite way they are going.
Quote:
hoping he will want to go spend time with his dad.
Don't push him. He will do things with his dad when he is ready. Maybe he has tried and been turned down by his dad and he is dealing with that.
It is hard enough for your son to adjust to you and your xh being divorced but now there is girlfriend involved and it will take him time to accept that. You know how hard it is for you to accept it, he is probably going through the same thing. He had a lot thrown at him at once.
My stbxh started dating his girlfriend and moved in with her within 2 months. Even though we had been separated for almost 4 years it was still hard for the girls to adjust. They are still having problems. Every step takes time.
Quote:
I sometimes wish I could close that door forever with my xh. I wish I didnt still care.
There is a part of you that will always care. As much as I have been through with my stbxh, I still care. There will be a part of me that will always love him no matter what. What is that cheesy line they use...I love him but I'm not IN love with him. There are times I think I hate him but deep down I know I don't. I just don't agree with some of the things he does.
One of these days all of these men and women who walked away will realize the mistake they made. Some may find out in time to save marriages or to remarry but others will find out it is too late.
Quote:
if you have someone else, of course its easier.
It isn't easier in the beginning. When I first started dating again it was tough. After being with someone for so long you feel as if you are cheating on them. It is totally different than the "teenage" dating from long ago. You also have a wall built up because you are afraid of rejection. It takes time to have that wall knocked down.
Quote:
I dont want to be alone, but nothing has come my way. Plus everyone says I am NOT ready, and maybe I'm not.
No one wants to be alone but sometimes that alone time helps in the end. It makes you appreciate someone when you get them. I love my alone time. I never had "me" time before as my stbxh and I did everything together. If he wasn't around then I had the kids.
You will know when you are ready to date. You can't rush it. Everyone does things at different times. You have to finish grieving your marriage before you can even think of beginning another relationship.
Hey everyone, thanks ONCE again for your advice. I look forward almost everyday to what you all have to say, so please keep posting to me until I am out of the eye of the storm.lol
Yes T2SP I agree with you alot. My xh also moved in his new gf around 2 months. Although it was surprising, because he was saying "her time was almost up". He said stuff like that alot, then he started saying, if you are with someone long enough they start to grow on you. As far as dating, I went out to eat with an old boyfriend, now friend, and felt soooo quilty, like I was cheating...so yeah, I know what you mean. My son is the type of child that will hide his real feeling toward his dad to be close to him. This is because his dad was his hero growing up...I think anyway. His dad was always involved with son, fishing, hunting, fire dept, police dept. My son was fassinated by his dad. He sees that is dad has abandoned me and is soooo afraid he will get upset and stop talking to him also. He use to say and sometimes still does, mom just dont make dad mad or he will stop calling me. So sad if you ask me. I know my son is scared. No child should ever feel that they might lose their parent while their parents are living.
I understand everything you are saying about your son being afraid of his father getting mad at him. I went through the same with my girls. Whenever something was bothering them they complained to me. If their dad made them mad, I had to listen to it. Not that I minded. It took them about 2 years to finally stand up to their dad. They got to the point that they didn't want to walk on eggshells anymore. Now, he knows they mean business.
Just be there when your son does finally open up. He will one day. He just has to do all of this at his own pace.
Guys I would love to play video games or watch a movie with my son, but he has never been one to interact with me. He always did manly things with his father. His father was his "Hero". I dont grill my son about anything, I very seldom ask him about his plans with his dad. I do that every now and then, hoping he will want to go spend time with his dad. I have no idea, if his dad even asks him to, but I wish he would get out of the house. I have, in the past begged my son to do something with me, go out to eat or anything. He just doesnt want to, so I let him be. Yes I do think we both need ic but that aint gonna happen, he is too much like his father in that aspect, he, in his opinion, doesnt need anybody to tell him how to think or live his life.
Kerry and Brave, I sometimes wish I could close that door forever with my xh. I wish I didnt still care. Maybe it is a guy thing about not wanting to talk to xh, but maybe its the guys that have been dumped on and walked away from. Kerry you are dating still? That helps alot, I would imagine, for you to close the door. Brave, same with you, if you have someone else, of course its easier. I, on the other hand, have not been out with anyone. I have talked to some guys, but either they are sep, NOT DIVORCED, or they are after one thing...in my opinion. NOT HAPPENING WITH ME. I dont want to be alone, but nothing has come my way. Plus everyone says I am NOT ready, and maybe I'm not.
Hugs!
I do have someone else, but even if I didn't, I wouldn't have anything to do with her. After all she has put me through, I have too much pride in myself to ever have anything to do with her in anyway. I guess maybe that is a guy thing! LOL
BH, what I want to know is how can they go on with their journey if they are living with another woman/man? My xh seems to be happy with his life. He must be, he has given up everything he loved for her. How can he see the problem he has living this way with her? I may have asked this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. I dont know how to look up my old threads. I would love to list them all but dont know how.
BH, what I want to know is how can they go on with their journey if they are living with another woman/man? My xh seems to be happy with his life. He must be, he has given up everything he loved for her. How can he see the problem he has living this way with her? I may have asked this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. I dont know how to look up my old threads. I would love to list them all but dont know how.
