I also wanted to ask if anyone else has felt this way. I think one of the reasons I cant let go of my xh is because I have it in my mind that no one else will have me. That he is the only one that can ever love me. I honestly think this and so I fight soooo hard for him. I believe he could do anything to me and I would fight to win him back. I know this is becuase I think he is the only one that can ever love me. If he cant love me than how can someone else? Just being honest.
I want to reach out to my son, but he pretty much as shut himself down and doesnt want to discuss his dad. If I even ask him if he talked with his dad lately he gets upset.
Stop asking....stop putting him in that position. Let him know you are there for him if he needs you and leave it at that.
I also wanted to ask if anyone else has felt this way. I think one of the reasons I cant let go of my xh is because I have it in my mind that no one else will have me. That he is the only one that can ever love me. I honestly think this and so I fight soooo hard for him. I believe he could do anything to me and I would fight to win him back. I know this is becuase I think he is the only one that can ever love me. If he cant love me than how can someone else? Just being honest.
This is good. Honest is good. THIS is what you need to focus your energy on. You are worthy of someone else's love. Keep working on you.
Down the road, if your ex ever did decide to come back, you wouldn't be ready. Work on this, I'm not a therapist, and this is not a diagnosis, but it sounds an awful lot like Co-dependency.
Renee, Stop trying to talk to your son about his father. Your son doesn't want to hear it. Instead, talk to your son about his interests and what he wants to do with his life. Believe it or not, but your son is suffering too....not just you. Start taking some time and look at the bigger picture.....you have two boys living with you that need/require your attention....they are tired of hearing about your xh and how you miss him. It's time to start focusing on them and what they need from you.
Friendship is something that may come about 2-5 years down the road. The cooling off period, as they call it hasn't happened yet and the more you push for contact, the longer it will take. You have to give this man time for the euphoria of breaking loose from his marriage to cool off. The newness of a new relationship w/a younger woman has to wane. It won't happen if you in any way interfere. BTW, the counting the months since all of this began doesn't help...it makes it seem like years and years. It's hard to break the habit, but you need to look forward, not backward.
A lot of children live in fear of losing their parent when they walk out the door. Some feel like they are at fault for the parent living, others know that the parent will not spend time w/them or provide for them (such as your son in this situation). The only thing you can do is be there to listen, do not ask questions. Your son may not feel safe in opening up to you because you've reacted in a negative way around him. It's important for your son to have a "safe" person to talk to about his situation. One thing you will need to learn on this journey is to strengthen your listening skills. Listening is one of the tools of the trade when dealing w/people, especially those in crisis. Your son needs you to listen, not ask questions or provide comments...listen to him and learn not to have knee jerk reactions.
His father will regret all of this as your son grows up because there is absolutely no way to recapture the time lost during this crisis.
You will always have thoughts about him. In time, they may fade, but something, i.e., music, film or something the two of you use to do together will pop into your head. However, if you are sitting around just thinking about him all of the time, well...thoughts of him will never fade. That's why it's very important that you find things to keep yourself and your mind busy. No one is saying to stay angry at him.
BTW, I have not seen anyone be "harsh" with you. They have all given you honest answers...answers/responses that you did not want to hear. You must remember, we all have been down the road you are traveling and everyone has attempted to guide you in the right directiion. No one, I repeat, no one has given you wrong information.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly I wasnt trying to point out that anyone has been harsh with ME. I have heard people be harsh, and not just on this board. Also I dont talk about how much I miss my xh to my son. I did this at first, but I stopped that immediately. All I do is try to get him to talk to me about anything. I have asked him if he has plans with his dad and I have at times told him he should go spend the day with his dad. BUT I d.ont pursue this daily. I mainly just try to talk to him about anything. I will ask him what his plans for the day are or I will ask him what he would like to eat. I ask him about the job hunt, just anything, but he shuts me down. I then just let him be. He says his dad is looking at getting him a job somewhere so I will let them handle that. I try to not pressure him, but we sure could use the income. I would love to just sit at the dinner table and discuss the day but that aint happening anytime soon.
Snodderly I was afraid you were going to say 2 to 5 years. Boy thats a long time to wait to be friends with someone you have loved for over 20 years. Someone you shared your whole life with, someone that knows you from top to bottom. And when I mean wait, I dont mean sit around do nothing kinda wait. It just seems so long. If my xh does speak to me, its always at work and always quick.lol
Not only do you need to be speaking to someone, but your son does as well. He may be depressed and needs some assistance in that area. He shuts down because he may feel like you are grilling him about what he's doing, etc. No more questions about plans w/his father, etc. I know that many people shut down when asked about finding a job. Your son may feel like everything his hopeless and he needs counseling to help him. Sitting in a room all day, playing computer games, is an excape for him from the real world. He's depressed about a lot of things.
Yep, it takes about 2-5 years for the cooling off period after a divorce....I read that somewhere when I was going through the divorce. My attorney said give it two years and he would be contacting me. He was pretty much on target w/the timeline. The walk away has to go through the extreme euphoria of freedom in order to realize that you and the relationship weren't the problem. Now, whether or not they reconcile totally, that depends upon the couples and the situations. I certainly wouldn't sit around and wait on your xh. Eight months isn't a long time at all in the timelines that most of us have dealt with...you are still a "youngin" in the scheme of things. That's why it's important not to count the days, weeks, months...it makes it seem forever in a day.
Yes, I understand very much so about the calls at work and him making them quick. Mine use to do that as well....it's their way of contacting us and they know that we cannot keep them on the phone or discuss personal issues w/them while we are at work. BTW, no more driving by his place....you are stalking when you do this!
Make today the first day of a new chapter...do something different, even if it's cooking your son his favorite meal...it's time to turn the page in your book and start looking forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do you play video games? I ask this b/c it might give you a way to connect with your son. If you don't, do you both read or watch movies? I use all these avenues as a way to talk with my D's about things. Just everyday stuff. it takes their minds off "reality" for a minute and mine love to "teach" me about gaming (I stink).
Renee, you have to live your life from this point on thinking that your XH will not talk to you any longer. I'm not trying to be negative with that remark, just trying to point out to you that if you continue wondering what if, or when, you will let your life pass you by. Move forward and if he wants to talk to you in the future, and if you want to talk to him, great, but if not, at least you won't be wasting your time. I for one refuse to speak to my XW. I am not bitter by taking that stance, I have just closed the door permanently on that chapter in my life, I have totally moved forward and I want nothing further to do with her. I'm not suggesting that you do the same, but I do believe that you need to move ahead.
Maybe it is a guy thing of not wanting to speak anymore with our X's. Braveheart, my brother and my father all have no contact with their X's. If it were not for the kids, I would be so very happy to never ever speak to my XW again.
As Snodderly says Sun, do you want to continue waiting around thinking for the next 2-5 years that your H may (very small chance) decide to come back?
Guys I would love to play video games or watch a movie with my son, but he has never been one to interact with me. He always did manly things with his father. His father was his "Hero". I dont grill my son about anything, I very seldom ask him about his plans with his dad. I do that every now and then, hoping he will want to go spend time with his dad. I have no idea, if his dad even asks him to, but I wish he would get out of the house. I have, in the past begged my son to do something with me, go out to eat or anything. He just doesnt want to, so I let him be. Yes I do think we both need ic but that aint gonna happen, he is too much like his father in that aspect, he, in his opinion, doesnt need anybody to tell him how to think or live his life.
Kerry and Brave, I sometimes wish I could close that door forever with my xh. I wish I didnt still care. Maybe it is a guy thing about not wanting to talk to xh, but maybe its the guys that have been dumped on and walked away from. Kerry you are dating still? That helps alot, I would imagine, for you to close the door. Brave, same with you, if you have someone else, of course its easier. I, on the other hand, have not been out with anyone. I have talked to some guys, but either they are sep, NOT DIVORCED, or they are after one thing...in my opinion. NOT HAPPENING WITH ME. I dont want to be alone, but nothing has come my way. Plus everyone says I am NOT ready, and maybe I'm not.
