PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[PositivelyMommy]

Here is my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1750486&page=1#Post1750486

Basically, H had A and left. I waited and waited and db'd my as* off. He's decided not to come back. I have started new career and planning to move home to be with my family, far far away.

Coming to grips with things. Little or no chance or recon. Trying to build a new, happy, full life. Not bitter but loving detachment.

[PositivelyMommy]

My MIL called me this morning, it's got me so worried that I have come down with a migraine.

So as I wanted and suspected H has told her that I will not be bring kids to visit her next month. Good. She was so upset on the phone and laid out the guilt trip. I stood firm.

I had originally thought she called bc we told the kids about Daddy moving out and she would want to know how the kids are doing. NO. She called to tell me about her loss. About her feelings and to guilt me into changing my mind.

Well, the old PM would have caved. Not the new PM.

MIL: I am so sad you are not coming to visit me. H's cousin cried when she heard that the kids won't be coming. I have planned so many activities for the children.

Me: I am sorry but circumstances have changed and I can't afford to spend one month away from here. I have jobs now and new opportunities on the horizon, I need to be here.

MIL: Oh, I want you to have opportunities.

Me: Anyway, the kids have TWO parents. If H would like to take the kids to see you, that would be OK with me, in fact, I would be ecstatic.

MIL: Oh, but he is SO BUSY.

Me: Well, life happens. H is always waiting for everything to stop before he takes time out to spend with the kids, it doesn't work that way. Life happens all the time. Or else, you can fly out to see us, that is an option.

MIL: Well, can't you fly out here ? I can take time off work to look after them while you work from my house.

Me: Sorry but if I come out with the kids then they would want me all the time. I won't be able to write if they are forever wanting my attention.

MIL: How about you fly them out here and drop them off and then I have them and then H flies in and picks them up and brings them home?

Me: I don't know if H will have time. I have called the airlines to ask them options on what to do with our tickets. Everything is up in the air right now, we haven't made a decision yet what to do. Anyway, we just told the kids Daddy lives elsewhere, I am not sure if they want to spend one month far away from Daddy, let alone away from the BOTH OF US. I don't want them to feel dumped!

MIL: But you took the kids on two holidays already and now you are cancelling on your trip to visit me.

Me: I understand how you feel. I am very sorry but I need to write and finish my work. I can't be away for a long time.


So as you can see the whole convo was centered around her and her needs. I am beginning to recognize this now. She didn't even ask about the kids and how they were feeling about our HUGE announcement. I am trying to be compassionate. I know she was looking forward to this trip. But I feel I have been giving to this family for years and years now and it is time I start putting myself first.

The truth is I can't deal with H's family for a whole month, pretending to be having a good time and not feel the hurt especially with the kids around me. They will be watching me closely and frankly I am tired of pretending. It would be a huge mental burden on me to be with them. Also, it's a lot of work to take two kids to see all the sights and see all the relatives and huge distance to travel etc. Thirdly, I do have work opportunities opening up here and I DO need to work on my book. I need peace and quiet to write and I won't get that if on holiday with kids to visit in-laws!

My parents, friends, IC agree that not going is going to be better for my mental health. But I am a people-pleaser so it's very hard for me to say no.

I guess, H and H's family HAVE to realize - they have changed the sitch. They have to find workaround solutions for the things they want. I can't cater to them all anymore. I have to start doing what makes me happy without H in my life.

This is the first loss/inconvenience that H and his family has to suffer. They probably think I am a bit*h but I need to get over caring about what people think of me.

There would be no peace of mind if I visit them now. In fact, what I REALLY want is to visit MY family. They are used to looking after the kids for a few hours a day. I could write and I can also have peace of mind being with my family. Also, they are very supportive of me and I know everyone there will be on my side with MY best interest at heart. So who knows, maybe I will be changing my tickets to my family's destination.

BTW, here is some background.

My MIL and I were very close. When H called her twice a month, I used to be on the call as well. I was the one who would be showing her around whenever she visited because H was travelling or working most of the time so I looked after her.

She was the FIRST PERSON I called when I found out about H's A. Even before my parents. I called her almost weekly. She came to visit use last X'Mas. She mentioned on the phone beforehand that she was nervous abt meeting OW. I just said, 'My heart would be broken if you did that.'

So she visited and she met with OW. My heart and my trust was broken. It hasn't been the same for us since. I don't call her anymore and she doesn't call me to find out abt kids. We had no contact for more than three months. I felt betrayed all over again. First it was H with OW, then it was MIL with OW. I knew that if MIL appeared to accept OW then that would be it for my M because my H would think it was OK.

So here we are, I feel resentful that she met with OW, eventhough she was staying at MY HOUSE when she visited. She, in effect, gave H permission to behave this way.

I don't want to spend a month with a person who I resent. I have done that one already with H and it was not pleasant. I don't want to go thousands of miles just to fight with her. What would it achieve except more heartache?

[Can it work]

Hi PM

In your conversation with your MIL you sounded incredibly strong. Well done for that. You did the right thing completely. It's time to stop answering to his family now. You gave her the perfect solution to have your H take the kids out. She's obviously of the opinion though that what he's doing is obviously more important than what you are. That's most definitely not the case. You've done so well getting yourself to where you are and shouldn't be expected to just drop everything just because your H's family is feeling hard done by.

Well done, keep it up. I hope you're feeling better in yourself?

Kev

[Esox]

PM,

It is indeed your choice on what you tell your children. It is doing them no service in keeping this from them. Their father is having an affair. He is leaving to pursue the affair. That is the truth. He isn’t leaving because Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting along.

I know that it might seem mean to tell them the real reason that their life is being shattered (I used to too). But it isn't. Some physiologists do indeed recommend informing the children about a spouse’s affair. Dr. Williard Harley comes to mind. In fact he thinks it is beyond cruel to keep this information from them. Their Dad’s choices to violate his marriage will affect these kids for a very long time. I, and quite a few professionals, think that kids need to be shown that it isn’t ok to violate one’s wedding vows.

But regardless, I wish you well.

Congratulations on standing up to your MIL! Your husband should take them to see his mother. You have other things to worry about now. Like your livelihood.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev,

Thanks very much for your encouragement. You put it quite succintly. Yes, they feel hard done by, exactly!

They are just now, for the first time, experiencing the consequences of my H's actions.

I have hosted MIL last X'Mas, gave her and my H all the access, no inconvenience, no tantrums, all their needs taken care of.

Well now, I am ready to take care of myself, that's why the title of this thread is 'New Life for #1'.

It might not come out of a good place because I am feeling a bit of revenge. But I feel that they have also contributed to the breakdown of my M because they never encouraged H to spend more time with our children. MIL always asked H about his work, not his family life. So he always think his work is more of a priority.

So now, everyone thinks this way. And why does everyone think H's happiness is more important than mine or my kids' anyway?

Why do we have to please him and make sure HE is happy anyway? He has everything he said he wanted last year. His own life, space (meaning no opposition to having OW), his own apartment, he can work all he want and come back to see the kids at his own schedule. No fuss, no muss.

Well, time for things to change. I am starting to put me first and I feel a heavy burden lifting.

So in answer to your question Kev, yes, I do feel a little better.

My D7 have been telling her friends that H has moved out so of course, other parents are asking me about it. And I DON'T HAVE TO LIE. How refreshing! I feel authentic, so easy to tell the truth. RELIEF!

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Esox,

Thanks for your kind advice.

I used to think that way as well. In fact, I would have been the first one to say that telling the truth would always be the BEST POLICY.

However, I have had a change of heart because I am not sure it is ALWAYS in the best interest of my kids. I really don't want the kids to hate their father. They are hurt already. It breaks my heart to see them hurt anymore.

I am sure one day they will find out about OW. And one day, they may or may not blame me for lying to them now. But I hope they will be mature enough to see that I am trying to act for their best interest. I don't want a bitter separation/D. I want life to be more smooth is a very bumpy situation.

[Esox]

PM,

I can tell you are doing what you think is best for the kids. I I respect that. Just remember though, the affair is what is hurting the kids. The truth of that isn't what will cause harm, it is the action. His affair. Besides, if his affair is such a wonderful thing wouldn't he want the world to know of his new love?


I guess I just get miffed when I see someone treat his spouse and kids as disposable.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Esox--

I know where you are coming from and it is a hard decision to weigh. I am in PM's shoes, too, and I cannot expose the A to my younger kids. d17 does know, but the younger ones are 9, 6, and 3. I can't do that to them. D9 is smart she is going to figure it out--probably in the not to distant future and I would not want to be my DH for all the money in the world when she does. Her wrath will be unbelievable.

Our kids will understand that we were trying to protect them from Dad while giving him every opportunity to man up.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks for your empathy Esox.

My H has separated me from my kids in his mind.

He thinks he is a good dad and I see him trying harder than before.

But he just thinks I am disposable, not the kids. It's convenient how he compartmentalized the three of us in separate boxes.

He says he wants me to be happy but he can't stop himself from causing unbelievable pain. He thinks he is just trying to find 'joy in his life again'.

I now know I am disposable to him. So am questioning why I would want THIS MAN back. I definitely deserve better because I am a damn good wife, mother and DIL. It REALLY is his loss. Too bad.

[Esox]

Strg,

You are right, your kids will eventually learn about your H's affair. And I'm sure they will know that you were just trying to spare their feelings. I just worry what message this sends kids about marriage. Marriage is a big thing, it is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. You don't just leave when someone 'better' comes along.

PM,

Your husband is a terrible father right now. The best father is one that respects and loves his kid's mother. Divorce harms kids. And a good father will do everthing humanly possible not to harm his kids. Check out the The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce and see the outcomes the researcher observed . . .

He will never find longterm joy in someone else. Eventually he will ge tired of her as well when the chemicals of infatuation wane . . . and they always do.

And you are not disposable. You will meet a worthy man that will love you to death. Perhaps it is best that this one is going.