You need IC, stat. A professional would tell you in no uncertain terms how unhealthy this is, and you might just listen to him/her. That woman is poison.
I agree andabelle. Why do you say she is poison. I mean I basically know why, but just wanted to hear your version. What exactly bothers you about her?
I have occasionally been forced to interact with my H's former OW (the OW who preceded the one he's boinking now), whose mutual EA with him was 8 years ago (they are still on the same bowling team, can you believe it??? he flatly refused to cut ties with her!), and the best I can do is to grit my teeth and act civil to her. I feel a little sorry for her H, who is the same age as my H (she is 15 years younger), even though I don't respect him because he was still M to his first W (I think they were already separated) when he and OW started dating, right after she and my H "broke up." I don't think he knows about her R with my H, because he is very possessive of her but seems perfectly friendly to my H and apparently hasn't objected to them being on the same bowling team.
Ah, I see that I have seriously digressed...sorry about that. The point I was trying to make is that even though the R I was talking about (H and former OW) was (as far as I have been told, although I'm definitely not taking it as gospel) an EA and not a PA, I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. I cannot remotely imagine being friends with anyone who slept with my H while he was M to me; I don't care how nice she seems to be. I hope I won't step on too many toes by saying this, but nice people, decent people, people with integrity...don't participate in adultery, in my world. Maybe I'm naive, but I'm utterly convinced that those two things are _completely_ incompatible. And yes, that means my H is not a nice person; hopefully he will be different some day and will regain his integrity, which at the moment is completely shattered.
I agree, if you feel that you need to keep up a R with this former OW, you would be best served by some serious counseling. Maybe she has repented and wants to make amends, but I can't see anything good coming out of your having a R with her, and I see a LOT of potential for really ugly stuff. Do yourself a favor and replace her position in your life with a woman your H hasn't slept with...surely there must be a few of them.
I hope I haven't offended...I wish you only the best.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Dawn I do agree with everyone that has posted to me. I do want to clear up that she didnt really have a relationship with my xh. They only went out for 3 weeks or so, on weekends. She had no idea we were still married. After I spoke to her she did stop seeing him but they remained sorta friends, because they work together. We met one day when she came into where I worked and then started talking on the phone. She told me alot of stuff that my xh had said, mostly lies. I then visited her home and met her 2 young kids. She was and has been very nice to me. She is divorced and her xh did her the same way, so we alot to talk about. I do have to admit, it was the hardest thing to do, sitting across from her and knowing my xh slept with her. Everyone says dont blame the ow, so I tried not to, it helped because she was nice to me and understood how I felt. Lately something has changed. I have been thinking alot about what happened with her and my xh. I am not as comfortable as I was in the beginning, which is odd to me, because you think it would be the other way around. I would have thought the more time I spent with her the more comfortable I would become. I think this shows how upset and torn apart I was. I was willing to be friends with a woman that selpt with my h. She works with him and is constantly telling me how he dresses and what he says and does at work. Even if I dont ask, she still tells me. I personally think this is why I have continued the relationship with her. I dont talk to or see my xh, so she is my connection to him. I have recently decided to cut off my relationship with her. I dont want to upset her, because she does still work with xh and I dont want her to make up lies and carry tales to him that might not be true because she is upset with me, so I am slowly getting away from her. I guess this makes me pretty pathetic doesnt it.
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hi I dont know you, but ive read a little, about your friendship with this OW (brief as it was.) unlike some, im gonna give her the benefit of the doubt here and say perhaps she really is a good person who really does wish to be your friend... you say she didnt know he was married... ok. then it makes sense to me that being your friend would be good REVENGE for her hey, so I actually believe that.
thats the only reason you should ditch the friendship... I think she might be, even if UNCONSCIOUSLY, out for a little bite, out for a bit of revenge, on your h. this could defintely be true if she didnt know he was married.... um, that would ENRAGE me. if shes basically NEVER done anyhting like that before and is a good person imagine how you'd feel. FOR SURE you'd be bitter, to be put in the role of bad guy when you never ever once saw yourself there. I think shes trying to make up to you, by telling you all about ex. in her mind, its both revenge on him, and reparation to you.
so fine her motives are probably ok all in all.
but still not healthy at all for you. only bc, it keeps you dwelling him him, and all you two have in common is HIM... omg how he'd LOVE THAT. what an ego trip eh?
if you think shes quite nice and like her enough then be totally honest with her and say that you truly apperciate her efforts and no longer blame her but feel its really unhealthy for you to be friends with her and talking about x. and it is. i bet you feel rotten after your together. enough answer
you sound like a really kind hearted, lovely lady and of course in your mind this woman has done nothing really wrong if she didnt know he was m, but for all YOU know, shes either still stuck on him or AT LEAST fixated on some kind of twisted REVENGE and thats not right now is it.
get away frm her for your own health... she can deal with her own too...
xoxoxo
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Renee, Your xh did have a relationship w/this woman, even if it were only for three weeks. His relationship was both emotional and physical....
Whatever her motives are, be it just being a friend or actually getting revenge, you do not need this woman in your life right now. You need people who are positive and are not bringing gossip back to you about your xh. You cannot move on with this type of gossip going on most of the time when you are w/her.
Meet up with some of your church members, do something different w/your time. Yes, I know you work odd hours and are tired, but you know what? One step at a time and when you do start doing something different, your whole attitude changes and you start looking forward to each day.
Start taking back the control over your life...leave people on the curb who are bringing you gossip and keeping you focused on your xh...it's not healthy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are are right and I know what I need to do. It will be so much better when I have more money and more time to do things at a normal hour of the day. You know what someone said to me last night...they said that they were thinking back to when me and my xh got maried 20 years ago. He was driving an old crappy van and living with his mom when I met him (nothing wrong with living with mom), but the van was crappy. We got married and accomplished soooo much. Nice home, nice vehicles, a nice life basically. Now is back to driving a old car again. Not that an old car matters, but its like he has stepped back in time and reversed his life.
I dont know if I ever told you all this, I forget details sometimes, and here details are VERY important because people need both sides of the story to give a correct opinion. After my xh dropped the bomb we live together at right 3 weeks or so. We didnt sleep together. He even told me he wanted me to keep coming to him for my needs. He said he wanted this, because that causes people to go elsewhere. I was like WHAT? This did not make sense to me at the time, because he just told me he wanted to seperate. That shows how mixed up he was. When we finally seperated into different houses, he cried. I cant help but believe he did not just walk away and this is a mlc. I know it doesnt really matter except maybe I have a chance at saving my family one day. Either way, I am going on with my life. I do still think about him and pray for him every day. I do still love him, and alot of my family and friends dont understand that and think I am crazy. I am sorry guys but I still want my family back. If this makes me crazy then so be it. I cant help it. I dont sit and constantly dwell on this. I get out and go and I have a life. I just want my family back soooo bad. I am sure you all can understand. I am off to Church to praise my GOD!
Not only go to church to praise God, but also ask him for guidance and assistance in finding your way. Ask him to provide you the strength to reach out to others in our church for assistance. Ask him to assist you in letting your xh go so that the both of you can go on your separate travels in order to meet back at the fork in the road at a later time.
Ask him to provide you with the stength to help you with your son and nephew. For those two young men need you now more than ever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Snodderly you always are here for me and know just the right things to say. What I like about you is you are honest with me but in a nice way, not so harsh. Trying to make someone realize what they need to be doing is ok, but coming off so harsh sometimes can be so upsetting...especially when your world is already turned upside down. I had a good Church Service tonight. Tonight they had sort of a Bible Study. It is nice sometimes to just hear God's Word. I do reach out to others, I have never had a problem reaching out. By the way I write, you should know that by know.lol I have asked GOD to heal me. I also pray for my xh, son and nephew as for many others as well. I do hope soooo much that xh and I get a chance to speak again one day, to sit down and have dinner together and become friends. He use to agree with me that we had to become friends before anything else could happen. Maybe he was just agreeing for the sake of hushing me up, I dont know, but its the truth, we have to become friends. Snodderly its been over 8 months since my xh left. A very lonely 8 months. I sometimes cant believe its been that long. I still cry every now and then. I dont usually cry myself to sleep. The nights seem to be the loneliest time of the day for me. I did ask my paster tonight if he knew of IC, he gave me a name, he said he didnt know how much it costs but he thinks it goes by your income. I hope so. I want to reach out to my son, but he pretty much as shut himself down and doesnt want to discuss his dad. If I even ask him if he talked with his dad lately he gets upset. If he knows I am praying about our family being restored, he will tell me that hes never coming back and to get real. He wont ask his father for anything! He is scared to ask for anything. He always uses a very very nice tone with his dad and when he does work up courage to ask for something he says stuff like "that ok dad dont worry about it.", when his father tells him no. I dont want my son to live in fear of losing his father. When I was calling my xh, my son would say mom stop it you are going to make him stop talking to me to. He is so scared, I know he is. He says he talks to him almost every day, so that is something. When do the thoughts of the past stop? Am I not moving along as others have? It seems that no matter what I do and no matter how much I do, I still think about xh and still love him. I cant get angry and stay angry at him. I dont have it in my heart.
I don't think he knows about her R with my H, because he is very possessive of her but seems perfectly friendly to my H and apparently hasn't objected to them being on the same bowling team.