OK for men with wives having an affair, has OM...

[FightingFit]

Augustus

I think you just need to step up with your wife. Lay it down and I have two questions for you, the concerned husband

1) why dont you insist altogether that she CHANGE her number and NEVER have contact with him again, for your sake

and

2) why dont you confront this bloke and tell him where to go???

[FightingFit]

FF,

While I sincerely apprecaite all that Puppy has done to help me through my sitch, I am grateful that you have been willing to open up and show us guys the other side as well. Just reading your thoughts, feelings and insight has been great.

My sitch is outlined under the thread "relapse - new affair". Puppy (and others) have been very helpful for the past week. (God, it's only been one week since I confronted W about the A).

As you can see from my last post, I'm wondering deeply about what to do next. I have some many conflicting emotions, but after relapsing myself over the weekend and "waffling" on what I need to do, I know I need to confront. But when?

I appreciate any help, suggestions, advice you can provide as I work through this.

I read a bit about your sitch. Im only going to tell you what I feel instinctively might get you some fast results to end this affair. remember tho if you take this advice to do it lovingly and firmly but in no way angrily or vindictively.

I think its time you sat your wife down, tell her how much you love and adore her and how much you want your M back AND how much you KNOW shes trying and struggling; but then comes the medicine...

Tell her you realise you cant fight cleanly or do this alone anymore; your FIGHTING FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE HERE and your KIDS and your FAMILY, and you have decided that, if necessary, you will take it up a step, and enlist THE FAMILY to help you through this - by that you mean HERS and YOURS. shes gunna be horrified. be calm tell her this is not about "dobbing" on her but about YOU doing whatever it takes to bust this and get her focus back onto you and the M, if thats what she TRULY WANTS.

Then do it... frankly I think ALL AFFAIRS need to be dragged out INTO THE LIGHT. LET THE BE LIGHT! stop letting it be a dirty secret; how the heck do you think you are helping her by keeping a secret like that. Affairs are LIKE MUSHROOMS - the grow an thrive in THE DARK!!!!! let there be light.

If she hates the idea of justifying her behavior to her family then maybe she should be thinking about that... remind her of this: if you have to hide a relationship then you probably shouldnt be in it

[FightingFit]

FF could you lend your expertise to my sitch for a minute, please? My H started having an A in Oct/Nov of 07 and moved out Dec. 07. He and the OW have a 6mo old baby together (he lives with his mom) and now he wants to come home.

My problem with this scenario is he will always have to have contact with her and despite what he says, I know it is still at least an EA. I'm seriously disheartened and the damage he has done and continues to do to me emotionally is/has taken a HUGE toll on me. I don't seem to be able to make him understand that he is killing what little feelings I have left for him by his reluctance/refusal whatever to end the BFF/EA chat with her and only have contact that relates to their D.

Any thoughts, help, suggestions, 2X4s? I'd appreciate the insight.
thanks,
S&S
Pup, swing away...

Well sometimes we spend so much time thinking and so much time discussing we make things a lot more complex than we have to to understand our own mind. so I would, before giving you any ideas, ask you the following very simple questions:

1) Do you want him back? no ifs or buts or whatever just simple outright, do you? we can think about the "only ifs" after thats answered. Do you WANT him back??? OR, did you really just want HIM to WANT to come back? and now its happened, your thrown for a loop?

2) Who broke up the relationship him or her. Thats a pretty important question.

3) Is H running from her, or running from what sounds like the sitation of an unplanned pregnancy an a new child? Do you think he'd still be there, if the baby hadnt come?

4) You are going to have to live for the rest of your life with the fact your man had a child with an OW. CAN you do that and do you WANT to. BEFORE ANSWERING, remember that no matter HOW bitter you feel about this (an who wouldnt) what i am really really asking you is, is being without him a better alternative than having to live with that.

5) Would you be prepared in any way to integrate this child into your family or does the idea totally alienate you. What about the rest of your family

6) WHY DOES H WANT TO COME HOME NOW

oh and I forgot and this is my BIGGEST QUESTION

have you SPOKEN TO THIS OW YET???? wow do i think thats a conversation you need to have dont you? If its truly OVER then Id want to hear it straight from her, not him

[FightingFit]

SOMETHING WOMEN CAN RELY ON WITH THEIR HUSBAND, WHEN HAVING AN AFFAIR

the h wont want to tell anyone, he'll be ashamed

keep in your mind at all times that affairs thrive in the dark. put aside your masculinity and TELL. but do it without vindiction, or wait until you can.

Answering questions is very hard to do for anyone having an affair even if they deny its happening. lets face it, if you deny it, then HOW are you gonna explain that R if it ever comes to be... everyone would know you were a liar

so always try to put aside any feelings of shame or "this is our biz" and very much firmly assert to your wife you intend to enlist family help

I think men avoid this bc they are afraid of being asked particularly by other men, why they are putting up with it. but your man enough to cope with that question right

this isnt an attack on you as a man and nor are you weak for fighting for what IS YOURS and your FAMILY. say so!

[Good_guy]

FF, thanks for that advice. Below is what I just posted on my other thread. I've already started to expose the affair to friends and family, close confidents of mine. I would hope that after we talk more about the "John thing" (see below), that I will be able to start the exposure thing. I understand and know that it needs to be exposed. What I struggle with is the level of exposure - I know I can tell her close friends and relatives. It's the casual friends and family that I am concerned about. It's that fine line between being horrified about being exposed and the hatred that she would have for me because her sister who lives in another state and is a devout catholic finds out, when her knowing would do absolutely nothing to help us heal.

It's enlisting those who can help, rather than telling the world and seeing what happens.

Thoughts?

Setting boundaries - yesterday I told W that OM is no longer welcome in my home (used home, rather than house for a nice touch). That W should tell him that he should know this and should not plan on attending my Daughters open house this weekend.

Response that I was "way off on this John thing we are not having an affair just good friends".

I've responded with an offer to talk about this "john thing". Still waiting to hear back with her reply.

My thoughts to this "talk" include my issues with trusting her - that until I can trust her again, everything she tells me is essentially a lie. She needs to know that its not an acceptable relationship, regardless if she thinks it's an affair or not. She needs to prove to me its over. I can not take her word for it.

I want her to understand that until she understands what is causing her unhappiness, she can not address it. I don't to push counseling, but am thinking if I talk about understanding what is causing her unhappiness, she might realize that she needs to better understand the true causes behind it, rather than what she thinks are casuing it. I'm sure some of what she said when confronted about the A was just lashing out - she was caught, and she knew it.

I will not talk about us, our living arrangements. Only about my trust issues and her unhappiness. Until she is willing to openly and honestly adress thise issues, we can not talk about anything else.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would only recommend exposure to a close-knit circle of people that you are CONFIDENT would be supportive of your marriage:

- OM's wife or g.f.
- your wife's parents
- your wife's siblings
- your own parents
- your own siblings
- wife's best friend, if she has a very close one, and if you are CERTAIN she would be supportive. I say this again because nearly all affairs have an "enabling best friend" at the center of them!
- wife's/OM's employer, if the relationship is taking place at work or if they are co-workers and ESPECIALLY if there is a supervisor/employee relationship
- your adult children, if any

To expose to a wider circle is not advisable. They will not have the influence over her anyway, and there will be more damage to try and repair later on if you reconcile.

Do your exposure all SIMULTANEOUSLY -- not sequentially.

Puppy

[Good_guy]

Thanks puppy - always appreciative.

[Sugar and Spice]

have you SPOKEN TO THIS OW YET???? wow do i think thats a conversation you need to have dont you? If its truly OVER then Id want to hear it straight from her, not him

We have had VERY limited contact simply because she will not speak to me. She texts ugly and hurtful things, but the invitation I extended to talk has thusfar been declined. I'm the last person she wants to talk to...EVER!!!

1) Do you want him back? no ifs or buts or whatever just simple outright, do you? we can think about the "only ifs" after thats answered. Do you WANT him back??? OR, did you really just want HIM to WANT to come back? and now its happened, your thrown for a loop?

I would have to say yes. I am the type of person who would regret not giving it that last try, even if it put the final nail in the coffin.

2) Who broke up the relationship him or her. Thats a pretty important question.

Depends on who you ask. I would have to say at this point it has been/is him. What has actually been done, that is. Why?

(3) Is H running from her, or running from what sounds like the sitation of an unplanned pregnancy an a new child? Do you think he'd still be there, if the baby hadnt come?

I think real life is/has seeped into the fantasy and its not pretty. He has no intention of not being a part of his childs life and so he isn't running from the responsibility of the baby. No, I don't think he'd still be there if there hadn't been a baby, but on the flip...who knows how much worse it could have been. They share a major addiction to gambling and that has fed the R for a long time.

4) You are going to have to live for the rest of your life with the fact your man had a child with an OW. CAN you do that and do you WANT to. BEFORE ANSWERING, remember that no matter HOW bitter you feel about this (an who wouldnt) what i am really really asking you is, is being without him a better alternative than having to live with that.

5) Would you be prepared in any way to integrate this child into your family or does the idea totally alienate you. What about the rest of your family

As for #4, I already live with that. It can't be changed and even if we D tomorrow, I have children with him and so this is not a reality that is ever going to change. They have a new 1/2 sister...it is what it is. #5) I have always been very clear on none of this being that poor childs fault. She is going to have enough to deal with, without me trying to make this about her. The only way it could ever work would be for her to be integrated into our existing family. I don't want to be her mother, but I would have no issue with being a part of her life and watching her grow up.

6) WHY DOES H WANT TO COME HOME NOW

He says because he wants to give our M another try. That he feels like we owe it to ourselves (each other) to try and make it work.

[FightingFit]

Hi Sugar

given all you have said and the committment you have shown, I think then for you, you have to try all you can to sleep peacefully at night, no matter the outcome.

I think the fact this OW wont speak at all with you MUST be an indication its not OVER for her and shes still FIGHTING, for your H. thats a bit of a concern for you and extra worry you dont need while trying to rebuild, so I guess you have to talk about that with your H. and about the fact that tho he may feel guilty and so on, you wont be tolerating long chats and talks etc or him visiting her all the time - if its over its over. I would suggest to him he gets a special phone "just for her" and that nothing is hidden on this phone, and shes told very firmly shes only to call about the baby.. an if she cant do that then firmer boundaries will ahve to be set, to protect the marriage... you deserve some respect here

I think given what it looks like (with ow being so angry an such) its really likely your H does want to be truthful and true to you, or why else would she be so p'd at you.. btw pls make sure she cannot contact you if she wants to just send nasty putdowns to you... um she put herself in this sitch! shes just going to have to know she cant reach you EVER. I would also say OW cant have ANY email contact. only the special phone thats IT. ie really limit how she can get to your family cuz if shes an angry woman she'll just make so much trouble...

H has to realise this stuff fully with you and agree with you on it and limit the contact, and tell her truthfully its to get his m back. he has to MAN UP here and TELL THE UGLY TRUTH. remind him he was quite HAPPY to do that with YOU once.

I hope it all goes well for you; you sound pretty together, and up to spark on the OW's tricks... its a matter of divide and conquer for her, so thats why its imporant for that possibility to be completely removed... i think if it is, you two have a great shot at this
xoxoxo

[FightingFit]

Good Guy, I concur with Pup on everything, of course telling randoms is not a helpful thing, just close friends and family is all that is necessary...

and I absolutely think you are right about setting boundaries re the OM, no matter who she claims him to be and in what capacity, um, i have never had a "friend" who would want to impinge on my marriage or come into my family home... some friend eh? nah

I dont know about making statements like "everything you say is a lie", thats a little brutal (even tho true), id more use logic like above with her as in, how much of a friend can he BE to cause so much trouble, and odnt tell me he doesnt know bc YOU as his FRIEND must be telling him so he KNOWS how I feel right? um lets rethink the word "friend". I wouldnt want to come anywhere NEAR a friend of mines maritial problems thanks... this is why I find it hard to BELIEVE you.

xoxoxo stay strong but do it calmly and logically and not accusingly or hatefully, and those little steps and statements will sink into her one way or another.