Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Journalizing a little

Tried to call W today at work to find out when i would see S3 again, was told she was out sick. Thought to myself, no problem she is probably staying out today to watch him because my mother who always watches him is really sick(start of pneumonia). Call her cell - no answer, left message - she called back after I got home from work, she was really out sick and feeling miserable. Offered to watch S3 for her tomorrow(I would take day off of work or even half day if she dropped him off at preschool in morning). She told me she doesn't really feel like she will be able to work tomorrow - i told her so stay home and I'll get him first thing in morning. She said OK and i went to get ready to go for a bike ride. About 30 mins later as I was heading out door, she calls back, can he just sleep over the house tonight? I told her sure - when do you want me to get him - her answer right now. Told her I would - asked her if they ate any dinner - nothing - offered to pick her up some dinner or get her any medication if she wanted - she declined said she had some. Get to W's place - she answers the door - still in pajamas - looking exhausted and worn - i felt so bad for her - could tell by touching her head she was running a fever. Asked her to try and get some rest and feel better - kissed her on the head and took S3 and left.

How come it sounds so much easier to detach and GAL - and not show that I care for her as much as I do?
I'm afraid that she may see it as trying to pursue her and just pull away more.

Found out tonight that she may have disconnected the text messaging option on our cell phone plan - seems like definitely on my phone, about 75% sure on her phone also - she said she was thinking about it - didn't think she really would - it was one of the things that led up to me being so jealous with her always texting a guy that she works with(claims she always talked about me with him) - maybe that EA is over with like she had told me a month ago(that she has nothing to talk about with him anymore since we separated). I could be wrong though she could also have limited who can text her - not going to question it for now, just going to let time take its course and have patience and view this as a positive step in the mean time.
It does seem like communication between us may be starting to become a little more frequent - nothing about R or M - last thing I want to bring up. Besides right now its all about getting to be where I want to be in my life and being the person that i want to be. I can't change her, but I can change me, my attitude and goals, and from there she may follow suit and change also.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Yesterday was a great day with S3 - perfect use of a sick day -
He spent the night prior, W called in morning - making sure I bring him to pre-school and put his jacket on him - OK no problem. We had breakfast dropped him off at school, went home did a few things around house, had to pick S3 up at 11:30 am. Get to the school a little early - waiting in parking lot W calls again - don't forget to pick him up - told her i was already there - offered to get her lunch - said no thanks nothing tastes right - OK hope you feel better.
After picking up S3, we went down to beach until he decided he wanted lunch. We picked up McD's went home ate, S3 took a nap - W called again - to see how day was going - told her fine - he's sleeping. When he woke we went and played on swing set W called again - asking me if I could keep him overnight once more and bring him home before work in morning - sure no problem - get some rest and feel better.
Seems like the W doesn't think I can take care of or manage being with S3 - I started feeling like she was checking up on me, but it was still nice having the short conversations on the phone with her.
Dropped S3 off this morning - W looked much better, just complaining that her back hurts. Told her maybe she should only go in for a half day work - do payroll and leave and get some more rest - she agreed saying that is a good idea.

Haven't heard from her anymore today - haven't tried to call her - but I can't wait work to be over and the weekend begin - S3 is spending the weekend with me.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

So far it has been a great weekend with S3. Picked him up Friday evening after a short bike ride after work. We just played and had dinner Friday night. W called around 9:30 pm Fri night, said she is not going to work sat - found someone to work for her. Said she still doesn't feel well - offered to bring her breakfast in morning - she accepted - her usual onion bagel and a coffee. Spent the rest of the day playing with S3 after dropping off breakfast.

Sunday morning now - home phone and cell phone keep ringing the W keeps calling. Never answered it, or called W back - busy just hanging out with S3. Around 1-1:30 pm W shows up at house. Wants to know how S3 is doing, she's worried that he might get sick from her. Complains that I don't answer the phone or call back. Simply told her that he is fine, and that she is going to have to just learn to trust me with him that I am capable to taking care of him and if he was sick I would take him to doctor.
With that said she left.

WTH - this is what she wanted - is it that hard for her to trust me with our S3, that she has her mother drive her over here to make sure that everything is ok?

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Looking back at the Weekend with S3

Had a really great weekend.
Friday night W's uncle called invited me over for movie and pizza with family - declined even though he and I are pretty close, told him I would be uncomfortable with W's dad, grandmother and other aunt being there at this time. Agreed to meet for beers one day during the week.
Saturday night the W called me - actually talked for 20 mins - more then what we usually talk in a week lately.
Yesterday took S3 for a bike ride - we rode to where the W is staying (her mom's) - called her on the cell from around the block - she came outside and was thrilled to see him.
Before you jump on me - I know this can be seen as pursuing - wasn't met to be. She actually spent some time outside with S3 and I - almost 2 hours. She even put a towel in the grass for us to sit on and brought out a bowl of grapes. We just hung out and I tried to keep a PMA and "act as if" attitude and spoke about everything except for us. My S3 had butterflies that she suggested he let go, so he did that - kinda awesome watching him hold them and fly off of his hand.
He left before spending too much time there - hugged her goodbye - she actually hugged back a little for a change.
That night when dropping S off at W's he began to scream and cry - he wanted to stay with me. Pretty much just dropped him in the house and ran off - didn't want the W to see the tears it was bringing to my eyes the way he was acting.
All of that after the S3 saying over the weekend that mommy misses and talks about you, and that he wants to live at home with daddy and mommy again. Asking him where he hears that from and he says mommy - now I know he is a good story teller because he has told some good ones in the past. Believe 50% of what you see and even less of what you hear.

Now here is my backslide from everything that I have been working on. Last night I left the W a card on her card with an appointment for a day at the spa - I figured after being sick for the past week and stuck inside she could use the relaxation for herself. I booked her the appointment and just left her the card with the date and time. When I spoke to her earlier she did appreciate it, but has to work when I booked it for to make up for all the time out sick
I told her to just call and reschedule - that they will take care of her. Then she asks me what the head to toe package is anyway. Told her it would be One Hour European Facial, One Hour Massage, Spa Pedicure, Spa Manicure. Told her she deserves it and too just relax and enjoy it.
And after seeing her hands and feet yesterday she could use it - well that's what I thought didn't dare say it.

Back on to working on me, have tickets to baseball game for Friday, it's the W's time with son, hoping she will let me take him - but I'll address that with her over the next couple of days.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

I think I'm just too nice of a person lately towards the W. I asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner for fajitas one night - she declined - no big deal. Last night I made the fajitas for myself. Called the W, knowing how she has been sick, and offered to bring some over for her and S3. Surprisingly she accepts. Dropped off dinner for her gave S3 hug and kiss - told W hope she feels better and left.
Went home and ate - a little while later W calls - she thanked me for bringing her over the meal, and said it was delicious. She stayed on the phone for a few minutes, just asking how my day was, and what was going on at work. After talking to her for a few, she beat me to ending the conversation - saying I'll talk to you either later or tomorrow.
I'm starting to feel like things may turn around, but until she says something, I'm going to continue to focus on my changes and enjoying myself.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Called the W today while at work to find out how S3 is doing. We only spoke briefly - she took him to doc this morning - he has an ear infection and a cold - on medication. And she is still sick and not feeling well at all.

Then she turns the conversation on to me - saying do you have any idea how much I hate you? I tell her yes and i understand why you do. Then I get a you ruined everything. All I could do was agree with her and change the subject by telling her I would rather not discuss this now while I am at work, and later would be better.

End of conversation - I hate this roller coaster and that she keeps bringing up the past and throwing it back in my face.

I know its only been a little over 3 months that we have been separated, but does it ever get any easier if so when?

Or is it that I am just doing something completely wrong? I don't try to bother her - I give her her space, and every now and then I call to see how her and S3 are doing.

[Coach]

Then she turns the conversation on to me - saying do you have any idea how much I hate you? I tell her yes and i understand why you do. Then I get a you ruined everything. All I could do was agree with her and change the subject by telling her I would rather not discuss this now while I am at work, and later would be better.

Next time listen better and think before you speak:

saying do you have any idea how much I hate you?

No I don't know how you much you hate me. I am sorry you feel that way. I can understand some of the reasons why you are upset.

you ruined everything.

I understand you are hurt but I won't accept that I ruined everything. I am still willing, able and capable of restoring our M from my end.

but does it ever get any easier if so when?

when you realise you only control yourself - feelings, thoughts and actions
when you understand why you take the actions you are taking
when you detach - when you realise it's not all up to you
when you let all the negative emotions out - anger, fear, frustration, bitterness, guilt, shame


You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach

[xalelle]

These ups and downs are textbook for WAS. Just accept it.

Think about this - perhaps part of the statement "do you know how much I hate you" is "do you know how much I hate that you are now who I wanted all along, but you werent when I wanted it" - it is very possible this is just a variant of the very common WAS "why do you try now? why after I have given up do you become what I wanted all along?"

I suggest you keep working on yourself, try to detach a bit more - I know it is hard with S3 involved, but do the best you can to distance from W. No more offers of dinners, no more taking care of her. Take care of you and S3, become the man you want to be. Either she will start to notice and the anger will back down, or you will just become better and move on.

Your W still shows lots of positive signs - read other threads here, you will see lots of threads that recover Ms that have these fits of fury, they are par for the course.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

These ups and downs are textbook for WAS. Just accept it.

Think about this - perhaps part of the statement "do you know how much I hate you" is "do you know how much I hate that you are now who I wanted all along, but you werent when I wanted it" - it is very possible this is just a variant of the very common WAS "why do you try now? why after I have given up do you become what I wanted all along?"

I suggest you keep working on yourself, try to detach a bit more - I know it is hard with S3 involved, but do the best you can to distance from W. No more offers of dinners, no more taking care of her. Take care of you and S3, become the man you want to be. Either she will start to notice and the anger will back down, or you will just become better and move on.

Your W still shows lots of positive signs - read other threads here, you will see lots of threads that recover Ms that have these fits of fury, they are par for the course.

Thanks xalelle. I have been reading a lot of the posts on this board.

I'm trying to take your advice and detach more from her. Been doing good at it since Friday - had to call her in regards to finances. But have not initiated any contact since.

Saturday afternoon out of now where she shows up at the house - all I could think is oh great what is she going to start about now. I pretty much just shrugged her off and played with S3. Asked her what she wanted - said she was just stopping by after doctor appointment(finally took someone's advice and went after being sick for 2 weeks). Saturday was a short mountain bike ride with my best friend, one of the few people I would trust with my life. As we were talking and riding he said that it was nice to see me being more of me and having fun and being happy like i used to be. The he tells me the W contacted him. They talked, all he would tell me is that she was asking him why am I doing all this now? He only answered her saying I don't know, but I am glad that he is, that he misses all the fun that we used to have together. I asked him from that point to try to avoid any conversation about me with her when she contacts you, don't care about them talking just leave my life out of it.

Since I was going out shortly, it forced her to leave - no arguments or discussions between us. It was nice to see S3, but I just feel on edge when she is around, and really don't like her just showing up.

Sunday as I was getting myself ready to go mountain biking - something I haven't done since getting married, my cell and house phone would not stop ringing - she called each phone 2-3 times. I just ignored the calls and let them go to messaging(none left). I did call her back when I got home to make sure everything was ok - no answer - just one call and left a message.

Guess I'll see what happens next.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Well spoke to W while at work - found out what she wanted -
W wanted to know if S3 could sleep over Wednesday because on Thursday she needs to be at work extra earlier, Of course he can I told her(thinking in my head - more time for me with S3)

Then she tells me she stopped by the house again yesterday when I wasn't there. Asked her why? her reason was S3 wanted to see me, and that she needed somethings. Then she mentioned about when the last time I spoke to a girl was - it was a few days ago - why? just wondering - then she slips and says she went through the call records on the phone. Now she accuses me of having an A with this girl, this girl who I have known for about 15 years, that is the reason that I met my W - she introduced us - even though she had a crush on me. She has just been a good friend for me over time and since all of this has happened - my BF is hit or miss for being around to talk to.
She then says oh its been a few days since you spoke, is that because her H is home from marines? Tried to explain to her not at all - that he have spoken quite a bit since he has been home.

Then she went off on a rant on how can I go bike riding 15 miles a day, but not make an attempt to see S3 except every other weekend. I told her that was the arrangement the lawyers had made, and its hard enough to let him after a weekend, that it would be even harder seeing him that much more. -- Probably not the right answer - just needed an answer.

Wish I would've found a way off the phone before she started on her next bit - Why all of this now? Why are you exercising, eating vegetables, and healthy foods?
All I could say to her is because I'm trying to change to be a better person, and stay healthy.

W then said the all too common phrase - its too little too late - she used an analogy and said its was like a wilting flower - every time the flower wilted, i gave it enough water and sun light to stand up, but now I've pushed too far, and the flower is dead, and no water or light can bring it back.