I am just sitting here relaxing and some things just crossed my mind and I wanted to post them.
For one, I CANNOT believe that my xh has given up the one thing he loved most other than his family and that is his love for fishing. During the years we were married he always took time off to go fishing with his buddies for a week...guy time! He also would take my son for his birthday when he was old enough. He would ask me on Thurs. nights, do you care if I go fish this tournament. I would always say, you know I dont care. His buddy would pull up with the boat and we had this little thing we always did. I would say if you dont "win" you are not going back and he would say OK and laugh. He started winning, so we did this for luck. He said fishing relaxed him, gave him a release from the stress of work (police) and Fire Dept. (where he was a vol. chief). My xh did have alot of responbilities, but I always thought he enjoyed it and I think he did, but when he lost his job he became very very unhappy inside. He didnt show it but he was sooooo disappointed. He would say things like "its the best thing that ever happened to me, I am sooo stress free, and me and Renee have gotten along better than we ever have." He would say this and I would agree. I know he was trying to save face and be strong and not let it show. I really dont know why he put the part in about us getting along better. I guess cause alot of people know that being a cop and or fire chief can add stress to a marriage, not to mention everything else. He was so hiding it though, it didnt lesson the stress but made it sooooo much greater. Although I wont tell him now, (maybe someday), but he has disappointed me so much by running away. He could have been jobless and we could live in a camper in a park and I would never have been this disappointed. He ran away from the stress and responsibility of it all. He said to me a few weeks ago that he thought we had a pretty good marriage, and that he never planned on getting remarried at all, especially not this soon. He said everything that happened to us was 50% his fault. Ok just wanted to write down my thoughts. Thinks for listening.
Renee, Depression works in mysterious ways...they do not think clearly and it's fight or flight and many of them will run away. I just recently had a high school classmate, diagnosed with severe depression hang himself....good job, lovely family, debt free, etc., but the one thing that threw him over the edge was laying people off at work. There is no rhyme or reason to their way of thinking when they are depressed. The only way out for most of them is to run, but running doesn't solve the problems. Some will understand this as they muddle through their day; others won't.
Your xh has admitted that he was 50% at fault for the failure of the marriage....that's something....most won't admit it. There may come a day when you'll have the opportunity to talk to him in a very rational manner about the walking away, but it's going to be a long time and you will need to follow his lead on that. For now, you need to keep a journal so that you have some place to keep your thoughts written down and refer back to it from time to time to see where you are in the healing department.
It's a holiday weekend....I do hope that you have planned some things to do w/your son and nephew. Your focus on your xh needs to start taking a back seat because your family needs your attention and you need to take care of yourself. Allow God to work on your xh and help him find the answers that he is searching for so that he can heal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly thank you for stopping by. I thought you were not going to post to me anymore. Somedays I feel like I am healing and then others I dont. It just comes out of no where and I end up depressed. I had to work today but tomorrow I plan on cooking out somewhere with somebody. My focus is still on xh, not so much other woman, as for I have realized something. My xh is living and engaged to a woman that I think he is settling for. I have come to the conclusion though that he is in love or fasinated with another. I, as you know, have decided to stand for my family and marriage...but the sad thing is, if my xh and gf broke it off today, I dont think our marriage is what he would pursue. I think it would be this other woman, that he once went out with. Let me tell you a little further into this........ Awhile back I said to you all that the "ow" was trying to befriend me, well this is the woman I am talking about. She is the one that I emailed early on in my sitch and after speaking with me, she stopped the relationship with my xh.(She didnt know we were still married). She says she was going to anyway but just moved it up. She has since been calling me and we have got to be friends. We will go out to eat and she will always pay. She is constantly doing nice things for me. She wants me to heal and move on. She DOES NOT LIKE my xh at all and, to me and others, has not got a very nice opinion about him. She really is nice. I dont usually befriend someone that has slept with my h, now xh, but she seemed nice. Just lately though It has started bothering me a little. I still think alot of her but some things are starting to settle on my mind. For one, I am beginning to think alot about her "sleeping with my xh", and lately I have realized my xh probably would run to her, instead of me, if she would take him back....and she agrees! I think this bothers me more than I think. I also think I became just good friends to her to hold on to a little piece of my xh. She works with xh, therefore keeps me informed. I know this cant be good. She saw my xh and gf last night and said my xh was peering over my xh and looking at her several times. I cant figure out why she tells me this. I mean the part about how my xh is still into her. (not in so many words, but you know what I mean). Its ok to tell me how much he was wrong in what he has done but all this stuff about her hurts me. I did tell her how I felt and she said she was sorry, that she would never have him. BUT he would have her, at least I think he would. I think I have gotten use to her keeping me informed about him, without even realizing what I am doing. She told me lately that he looks miserable. I never get to see him, so I am using her eyes...so to speak.
Snodderly as for spending time with my family. My older son stays in his room most of the time and only comes down for just a few min. then back up again. He usually stays on the comp. playing games. My nephew likes to spend time with our aunt on weekdends, so I am pretty much on my own. I have no one else other than my aunt and cousins near me. I have friends, but most of them have families to do things with on most occasions. (This is part of the reason why I got close to the ow, she is single too). I do intend to cookout though. Go ahead and give me advice, but be as gentle as you can.
Ditch the woman. She's trouble and she's using you and your xh to get what she wants. Anyone who goes to such lengths to tell you about your xh and that he's still into her....well..that's it for me. I don't care how nice she's been because she's after something and that something is information. If she's bringing you information, you can surely bet that she's taking information right back to your xh as well. Yes, she wants to see you move on and get a life because she is waiting in the wings on your xh to ditch the youngster. This woman does not care about you for if she did, she would not be talking to you about such things, especially sleeping w/your xh.
Renee, step up to the plate and ditch her. You are better than that and you do not need to have people of this caliber in your life. You are only as lonely as you make yourself. Start making plans w/your family and get out there and do something. Pack a lunch and go to a park, go to the local bookstore and hang out. This time of year always brings out free activities. Take one step today and tomorrow two steps.
It's time to take back your life and only you can do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree, this woman is not who you think at all, please take this advice....What about joining a bible study or divorcecare class? You then can be around others who have experienced what you have and in a much more healthy way. Please exit this relationship fast....this woman is sick please know her behavior is not normal
This woman's "frindship" with you doesn't pass the smell test. The elephant in the room screams, "What is she getting from her relationship with you?"
Only you can answer that.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Snodderly, grace and sleeper..... I agree with you all. BUT I do not believe she wants my xh, she has had plenty opportunties. She broke it off with him and when he broke up with this gf the first time, he called her and she had a chance then but didnt take it. Then xh and gf broke up for 2 more days and nothing happened then. I do agree though that this is a bad relationship, because I do not agree with the things she does. She has been with several guys since her divorce and doesnt care for one night stands. I am sooooo opposite of this. I dont understand why she is constantly talking about how gross and terrible looking my xh is. She is a VERY confident woman and tells me I need to be as well. She says " I need to get rid of the WOE IS ME attitude". I probably do. I am such a good hearted person, I try to find the good in everyone but I am ready to move on with my life. I dont think I can continue to be friends with someone that slept with my husband. I thought I could do this but now I am thinking differently. I guess you all think I am really crazy. Like I said, I think the only reason I started talking to her is because she brings me info without me even asking. I dont need this either. On one positive note, if my xh is peeking over his gf's shoulder to look at her then what does that say about his gf and his relationship...he obviously hasnt changed. My relationship is sooooo much different than he has with these women. He even told me once, if you can believe him, that they were not marrying material. They were just someone to have fun with, that if he wanted to be married he would be married to me. BUT yet he is getting married to this girl. I do think I am safe to him and more like motherly in his eyes. They are fun to him and he is looking for fun for now.
You cant move forward and on to a new life if you converse in gossip with the other "nice" woman.
And you have to stop being shocked about what your X is doing. So he gave up fishing for now - he is in love and getting married - nothing shocking there.
I get the feeling, from what you write, that whenever you get a small amount of information about your X, you over analyze and obsess about it.
You must give up all hope now of wanting your XH to return. That is really the only way for you to change your life and have, as a side effect, the possibility for a rekindling some years down the road. He is not coming back any time soon.
You need IC, stat. A professional would tell you in no uncertain terms how unhealthy this is, and you might just listen to him/her. That woman is poison.
