Ive now seen a soliciter and apparently he has one instructed too.We are due to exchange financial details prior to settlement on 22nd.My heart is truly broken-all our dreams and 29 years togetherness reduced to practicalities. I know he is feeling the same- guilty too despite being with OW. Am so tempted to write and say I can forgive everything except his ashamed silence and withdrawal at the end.Snodderly , you are right I long for closure and a final goodbye ;this is all wrong.
Well financial details have been exchanged but all is quiet. Im at peace with my descision to move to settlement even though it will end my marriage. I need a home- am 60 in a fortnights time- and cant manage financially without a split of the assets. I think of him every day and my heart aches just to speak to him but there are no tears left.I feel sure that we will connect again at some level in the future but now he cant face talking.Ive been having dreams about him and am obviously trying to process this- in the last one he was wrapped in cellophane(!)but seemed to be indicating that we could communicate and I woke feeling optimistic. In the meantime, my life is placid with work and family.We would have been married 30 years this December.
A, I'm very, very sorry that things turned out the way they did. But, you needed to do something to protect yourself, assets and your future.
I agree w/you...at some point in time, you both will meet again and that's when you both will be able to sit down and have a conversation. The conversation may not be what you want to hear, but it will be a conversation that will allow you to see into his soul.
For now, take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish I had found your thread sooner, but alas, tonight is the first time I've seen it. I actually read the first and last pages. On your first page, you asked if there is anyone who is in a similar sitch as you. I, am 56 years old, so I consider myself pretty similar to you, with all the financial difficulties etc.
So, some of our sitch is very similar, however, my H has not filed for divorce. I, was very confused myself last year at this time, and really just a total basket case. But throughout the year, I would ask for help and people seemed to think I was their punching bag. Perhaps they didn't know it, but many times I was more hurt by certain posters than helped, and often walked away from my computer completely distraught. As early as a week ago, it happened again. I've been insulted and verbally abused here. So, I don't post too much anymore. I guess my philosophy of life is different than most.
Now that it's been a year, I can look back and see that, although, my H NEVER calls me, and RARELY comes home or passes our house, I wonder if he's been lying to me all along. I cannot read him like you can read your H. He says one thing and really does something else. My feelings have NEVER been on his respect list, though now I really don't expect it anymore. My H has been much meaner than most.
The last time he spoke to me, he said he never reaches out to me, and to be true, he really does not. I can see that this time away from home has taken its toll on him. And, he has sent his marriage settlement agreement to me -- through his attorney -- a month and a half ago, but he still has not filed for divorce.
I have never had the great help and respect of a good advisor on these boards as you have, with snodderly. I was all over the place when I was first going through this. So, some of it was probably my fault. I didn't know any better, and now it doesn't matter. I've read some of snodderly's stuff, and she/he is very good. I think you can't get a better friend/advisor than that.
I hope some of what I said here soothes you. To be true, I feel your pain. I hope this message finds you well.
Poet thanks for your reply-I dont check in every day as I used to-(a good sign I think) so only read it today. Truly, it is very hard to begin a new single life at nearly 60- I honestly thought we would grow old and care for each other together. So sorry to read that you havent had the support which I have had from this site- especially snodderly whom you mentioned -always grounded-never over emotional but calm ,practical and wise.Its been 2 years next week for me. Why do they not ask for a divorce? Ive decided in my case 3 reasons- 1- To keep all options open-he has been ambivalent from the start 2- Financial reasons (though he vehemently denies this) 3- He wants me to be the one who ends our 30 year marriage,it absolves him and diffuses some of the responsibility. Do you think any of these reasons apply to your situation too? How much communication do you have with him? Did he say what the reasons are that he never reaches out to you? Poet, it really sounds as if your H, like mine, is totally confused, unhappy, scared and resentful all at the same time. Ive been amazed, reading other posts. , how they all say similar things.I hope you are bearing up- its awful being in a kind of limbo- and if youre being lied to, even worse. Im thinking of you anyway.Love and Peace Caroline x
I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I -- like you --am trying to get back into the journey of living, while living apart from my H. And, so I don't check every day either. I guess if we both check in once a week, maybe we'll catch each other.
Anyway, to answer some of your questions, my one year anniversary of being separated is coming up next week. Our M anniversary is May 26th, which is Tuesday, and he left on May 29th. Nice huh? After much terrible fighting etc.
In answer to your question, "Why do they not ask for a divorce?" My H didn't ask me. He just announced it that he was going to get one, and then left. He never tried to work on our M, although he says he did. He was in a great big hurry one year ago, but that was when he was seeing OW. I don't think he's still seeing her, and although I caught him with her, he claimed she was just a "friend."
Your #1 statement, is probably true in that my H never actually filed. He put together a marital settlement agreement and had it delivered to me on April 2nd. He came home one day and said, "just sign the papers," like he expected me to just cave in for him. But as of yet, the papers are not signed, and I have no intention of doing so at this point.
2. I don't believe in my case that it's for financial reasons because he did bother to tell me he spent $1,200 (in April) on his attorney, so I can only conjecture that he spent that money on getting his marital settlement agreement completed. And since in the state of Florida, it costs $500 to file, I can't see how he wouldn't be willing to spend $500 on filing if he would be willing to spend $1,200 on the agreement. It just doesn't make sense. What's $500 more, right?
3. Well, I guess you could look at it that way, but really... if you think about it, the judge is going to see that he is the one who left you, and therefore would probably want/make him pay for the D. It's all only conjecture, but it makes sense. D is a senseless rampage that a person, the WAS wants. But, it's the judge who has to make sense of it all, and that is the bottom line. I don't think #2 and #3 apply to my situation only because I think my H is socking away his money (he's always been secretive, and I can reasonably see him hiding enough to do well after our D). And #3 is just a ploy to ease their own guilt.
Someone on these boards once told me to do NOTHING that will allow him to ease his guilt. So, that also applies to us not to file, don'tcha think?
A, Your three reasons for why some of they do not request a divoce quickly are good ones. However, I also think that if you leave them alone, as you have, they do not feel like they need to lash out and end the marriage quickly. The more you push, the more they will shove back. You've left your h alone and he's felt threatened in the sense of needing to keep you away from him. You've allowed him the time and space he required to work on himself, or should I say "grow up".
Many do not reach out until much later...why? Depression and withdrawal, i.e., they go hand in hand. I wouldn't be too concerned if you didn't hear from him for long period of time. I didn't hear from mine for over 2 1/2 years. Then, because of the circumstances, he begged me to be friends w/him. We touch base periodically now, but the conversations are usually about family and when he inquires about me, I tell him I'm fine and do not share anything of my life w/him. He knows he royally screwed up, but unless he's willing to do the work, he'll never see the light of reality again.
They all have the same script and use it almost word for word. Actions are a bit different, but the script is always present.
A, I think you doing very well. Age has no bearing on being single, i.e., 60 is young in today's world. When you least expect it, life will offer up some adventures and surprises for you.
Poet thanks for your reply-hope you didnt think I was being "nosey" My H also timed it dreadfully- just as I was about to retire, sell the house and relocate to my home town and family,and days before my (58th) birthday.He said we both needed to "get a life and an adult relationship "and when I asked if he wanted a divorce he flustered and said he couldnt think of another way.Then, 6 months later when it was about to be finalised he said I had changed and asked for a hold. Naturally I agreed .I have worked so hard for the last 2 years to hang on . I love this weak and selfish man - I can see a good but confused person inside.I see what you mean about doing nothing to ease the guilt but in my case he ran from the guilt ie withdrew completely so all I c ould do was validate his feelings and be sympathetic even though he broke my heart and the pain and panic were appalling.Now, I have no option but to file because I cant afford to rent any longer- I need settlement to get a home.He is living with OW .There has been silence for 3 months. I can feel his fear and confusion 200 miles away!Snodderly, as usual spot on- I would bet that when he hits 60 in a couple of years time he will need his best friend. For now, he cant face me (or my family)Poet, I know everyone says this but its true- life goes on and somehow we will survive.Im hoping so much things are ok with you and every day gets a little easier. After all, we both have clear consciences- they have years ahead to face up to their mistakes.Love from England!
A, They can't face anyone from their former life right now. In a couple of years, yes, a couple, he'll be able to do so. He needs to sweep all of this mess under the rug and allow things to settle down before he will venture forth in the world he left behind. It's typical of them.
Life does go on and trust me, you are a survivor and you will be just fine. Age is just a number...it's what you do w/your life that counts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly. Have heard from my soliciter about his finances and it looks as if Ill be ok with a fair division of assets. There is an unreal feeling about this as if its a game we are playing to see who blinks first- I long to contact him just to know he is ok but there again I would feel bad if he is happy (without me) and bad if he is unhappy!I do get lonely but know this is down to myself.Can they really erase so many years? I could understand it if we had had a stormy marriage but it was more like best friends really.He never shared his feelings.I knew he must be having affairs but carried on.Im ok during the day but wake up upset at night-guess thats normal.Thank you for your kind messages x
