And oh yeah, sometimes I still wonder what is REALLY going on with my W. I know she's obsessed with this OM, but of course he's in another country, so she can't be with him. As I said before, she's practically throwing herself at him, saying she's never felt so loved, etc. Yet she seeks out my attention as well, and wants to tell me what's going on in her life, except of course about the giant elephant, which is NEVER discussed. She teases me and flirts and asks about what's going on in my life.
Now that I've dropped the rope and decided to move on, my attitude has shifted substantially. I went to my son's little league game last night, and my W was there. She seemed happy to see me, but I was much less enthusiastic. I was polite and cordial, but no more. I stood a distance away from her, rather than sit right next to her as I used to. She immediately asked if I had gotten a haircut, which I hadn't. Seems like she's always commenting on something about my looks when I see her. I needed to call a friend to arrange our weekend plans, which I didn't want to do in front of her, so I told her I was going for a walk. She looked puzzled and asked "Aren't you going to watch the game?" I said "I won't be gone long." I walked around to the back of the field and I don't know if she could see or not that I was on my phone for about 10 minutes. I got back to where she was and I was cheery and asked "Did I miss anything exciting?" She refused to look at or acknowledge me. Her mother finally said "No, you didn't miss anything." My W eventually warmed back up and started telling me about her day. For someone who is totally in love with OM, and wants to D me, she sure doesn't seeem very detached herself!
I dont know how to send them, maybe someone should start a thread of Music Therapy!
So you are sure that shes back on with the OM? What does everyone else think about future telling her that this is a deal breaker for his friendship? I told my H it was. I guess if its a deal breaker for you then its a deal breaker, but Im not sure if its a good idea to say it. I also wouldnt say anything until I was absolutely sure that she was in fact with him, you dont want to do anything to further injur your M, even if you end up leaving. I am a big beleiver in sort of having your M euthanized rather than beaten to death.
I dont know what to make of her behavior, other than if she is back with him, shes seeking you out for the physical interaction, not sex of course, that she cant get from him. But I just cant imagine that hes being "faithful" to her if hes in a different country?
Last edited by bluerain; 05/22/0905:48 PM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Yes, she's definitely back with the OM. I have reliable intel. She's desperate to keep that R going. She's arranging several trips for them to get together, even though he's told her he won't move here.
I don't need to tell her that her R with OM will be the end of us. She's going to see that she's losing me, because she is. Whether she comes around soon enough to catch me before I'm gone, who knows? Truthfully, I doubt it, given what I hear about her and OM. I'm not worrying about it anymore, I'm just going to live my life, and hold nothing back.
I do genuinely love my W, and I am worried about her. She is waaaay overinvested in this OM, and she is heading toward a world of hurt. I actually feel bad for her. Out of my control though.
Some men and women can do this, but I was one who couldn't. I could not want my H and want the OM at the same time. There would never have been OM if I had desired my H like I should have. I have read LBW's talk how their H's can be in an A with OW and come home and go to bed with them as if nothing was going on. That blows me away! Maybe your W is one that can do that. She wants you both or else her ego wants to "see" if she can have both men desiring her. It may be an ego game with her. She may be cake eating.
I would not "tell her" that I was dropping the rope......I would just do it! It needs to be done "before" she makes any trips to see the OM. I believe since she is doing all this flirting and trying to keep your attention that there is "something" that drives her to do it, so dropping the rope sounds like the idea LRT. I believe it is the ONLY thing that might possibly turn her back for meeting with the OM. If you have been pulling back from her, then that is why she is trying for your attention. So, just think of the possiblities if you totally dropped the rope!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I believe it is an ego game for her, and lonliness. I don't believe she really wants me, but she does want to keep me close and available. It gives her security. I am starting to have serious doubts as to her character. She claims to be totally in love with OM, yet I doubt she's being honest with him either. Does she tell him about all the time she spends with me? Puppy's law is "All cheaters lie, period!" I hate that my W has become this person. She's so vain and selfish.
The only way to know what she's really feeling toward me to to drop the rope and move on, and that's exactly what I'm doing, although at this point, I'm not sure if I really care a whole lot.
This is helping me, and I hope that it will help you...
Coach said "Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope? The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer :D! You do what is healthy and productive for you.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey future.... I've been on vacation--very much needed. How are things now? In terms of the A, I agree with the others....it will burn "hot and fast" and just implode....let it. In the meantime, maybe don't go dark....keep in touch with her as often as you can without being annoying, but make sure you definitely TAKE THE PRESSURE off. I think letting her see you and interact with you enough that she feels guilty and remorseful....I don't see that as a bad thing at all!! Let her see how great you are because you are a great guy. No more fights...not more questions, just light--no brainer interaction, no stress. I'm working on that as hard as I can right now, easier said than done, but I bet you can!
Thanks for checking on me. I don't know what's going to happen with my W's A. My gut says it will die an ugly death, but I think it could take a year or two (or longer!). I am very dark now, mostly to help me fully detach. I just don't want to see or talk to my W right now.
I had been doing exactly as you said, no pressure, light fun interaction, a little harmless flirting. I didn't see that it made my W feel guilty or remorseful at all. It had the effect of casting me as her surrogate boyfriend while she pines for the OM she can't be with.
Well, it's hard to say what she's thinking/feeling. The OM stuff will end. And when she falls apart, you will either want to help and be there or you won't. But a year or longer? No way. How is going dark working?
That's what our MC said when I saw her last week, "Stay out of her head." I guess a woman's mind is a complex place, and it's too easy for me to wrongly simplify. I know my W genuinely enjoys time with me, but I am definitely second in her mind right now, which is awfully hard to take. Do I stick with it and hope to climb back to number one? I have many advantages. I'm right here, and we have three kids together. The OM is so unattainable being so far away, and I know the attraction that gives. Do I want to deal with this?
Do you mean "No way", it won't last a year? Or do you mean "No way", don't bother waiting a year?
Well, I was dark, but I had to call her last night to discuss the custody arrangement in our separation agreement, and it didn't go well at all. We ended up having quite an argument, she hung up on me once, although I did call back and we did get back to a decent place before it was over. She was still pretty mad when she came by to pick up the kids this morning. I pulled a complete 180 and asked her out to dinner. The shock on her face was priceless. She looked simultaneously angry and touched. She said she's still mad, but she said maybe. She said give her a couple days. We'll see.
